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Old 01-12-2018, 03:30 PM   #1
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Trig Dealing with the "dark side"

"Evil", really. It's epidemic in (the women) in my family, me included. I've been aware of mine for years and the diagnosis of DDNOS helped it explain it, somewhat.

It's not anything overt, exactly. No, no, not overt -- that would be "bad", and we can't have that.

More like a cold withdrawal and ignoring. A prim properness. So the "darker", more rowdy emotions like anger, jealousy, etc. just don't show up.

This is a long post -- thanks in advance to anyone for reading. Or, the crux of the spiritual questions are in a few paragraphs at the end.

I've been in therapy on and off my whole adult life, until recently. I worked very hard to try to be aware of my "dissociated"(?) "evil" side -- and one of the problems has been that I was also dissociated from the hurt and pain that I had experienced by feeling rejected in that family. But then, I (unconsciously) adopted lots of the same ways.

Having become aware of the pain that I had from that family, as a little girl, I'm now more aware of the ways that my family members are, not overtly, domineering, jealous, engaging in one-upsmanship, etc. I'm more aware of a lot of those kinds of things in society in general, too, which I wasn't aware of for most of my life. And I haven't had ways to deal with this whole complex of emotions, in myself and others. For the last 20 years I've been pretty non-social. Now, I'm old and it's hard to learn, but. . .not sure the other choices (dissociation, denial, etc.) are so good either.

Current psychologist recommendations are just to get aware from the family. But my parents are both dead, yet the family "ways" life on inside in lots of ways. I don't have anything to do anymore with the extended family, which is very sad. Not "seeing" the dark side, I loved the "light" side of them and the (false) sense of belonging.

A dilemma I'm facing currently is that many female therapists have a similar character! Or maybe it's that the ones I stayed with have that character! In some sense I guess I wanted to "fight it out" with them. Which most seem to have wanted to avoid, or not to have understood, and I didn't know it exactly myself. Until, eventually, I would say something overtly "hurtful" in anger, from my dissociated dark side who doesn't know or care about hurting others, and who hasn't "communicated" with the rest of me about what she is upset about (probably the therapist's oneupsmanship and put-downs) and the therapists will shame and reject me! Like the women in my family!! Huh??

I'm not going to try any more therapy -- I've had years and years. And it's like it takes my "evil" side to recognize the "evil" in another. If you haven't experienced it and the damage it can cause, then you can't recognize it as an issue. But then, the therapists I've gotten involved with can't tolerate it that they are like that, too!

"It takes one to know one". And those who know, aren't talking. Except, for one, I am!

Maybe, ultimately, that's what therapy needed to do for me, to let that come out, so I could see, not just in myself but in the other? Even if the therapists can't and continue with their "evil" ways, hurting clients until -- maybe -- the clients can see it themselves? What an interesting concept. Doubt it's conscious on the part of many therapists, though. If it is, I think that I -- and perhaps other clients -- could get through it a lot sooner if the therapists explained it. What my last therapist told me was that she "didn't have the emotional resources" to continue therapy with me!

Christianity, in which I was raised but don't attend church any more, says that we are all "sinners" -- that is, our dark side will act out (or act in) from time to time, that's part of being human, that's part of how God made us. So, unlike my family (and lots of other people), God presumably doesn't reject me.

Why did my family reject me? Why did they, maybe, reject themselves? Because they were misguided? By years and years of trauma and mistakes and doing the best they knew or could figure out, which sometimes had terrible consequences?

I have been feeling very, very alone since I realized how rejected I had felt as a child. But in that aloneness, I am also aware, in some way, that I am not alone. And so I wonder if that is "God"?

I'm also reaching out, to other (anonymous) people here, not so afraid of being rejected, because if I am so what? I already have been. And yet, there is something/somebeing here with me, too, it feels like.

Does that make sense to anyone?
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Old 01-12-2018, 04:50 PM   #2
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Default Re: Dealing with the "dark side"

With dark, so shall be light. With the Yin, shall be the Yang. Harmony and Balance. Inner and Outer reflections.

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Old 01-12-2018, 06:21 PM   #3
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Default Re: Dealing with the "dark side"

Maybe reading Buddha's brain by Rick Hansen will help. I know therapists are people and as people we are not perfect. Since I pay for therapy, I try to take what I need from it.
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Old 01-17-2018, 05:10 PM   #4
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Default Re: Dealing with the "dark side"

Do you mean that you feel a sort of god-spirit? Is this spirit beside you or within you?

Some people, and I am not among them, take up religion or spirituality to cope with death-anxiety. One can use either in the pursuit of your own own “immortality project.” (I love Becker, Brown, Kierkegaard, all of those dirty rascals.) No one wants to be alone... but what you describe as rejection might be more correctly called abandonment.

There’s nothing wrong about embracing a god-spirit or even dabbling in a safe religion: Whatever helps you cope. Personally, I use macrame.

Your message indicates that your two greatest death-anxiety fears are rejection and loneliness. Dark/Evil, I’ve always felt evil. Because I am. The stuff that I don’t tell could fill the Library of Congress. I don’t see anything dark or evil in your behavior, or in your female kin, but rather a kind obstinance to think.

If you feel a spirit presence, you may want to name it, talk to it (prayer?) and talk about it with others. This seems a good place.

Good luck.

I doubt that your relations were actually evil; I doubt that you are evil.
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Old 01-17-2018, 05:28 PM   #5
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Default Re: Dealing with the "dark side"

One last thing.

Do you believe that all Homo sapiens are sinners? Do you believe in original sin? Does your god really create damaged beings? I’m genuinely concerned about others who believe that they are bad/evil at birth. Theologians might cry ‘agency!’ but I have to ask ‘when?’

I don’t believe that we are pre-condemned at birth. ‘Evil’ needs a definition as does ‘dark.’

I have done things that I consider evil (by my own definition). But I don’t believe that any person is born evil.

Take care.
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