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Unread 01-20-2017, 01:17 PM   #1
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Default Spiritual Narcissism

Hi all, I am so glad to find this topic, I would love some clarity and insight on my relationship.

My partner and I bonded over our shared feelings about spirituality and our souls, I am very open, believe in a collective consciousness, that we have deeper powers or perception and intuition than we realise and are in constant communication with existence and the universe, creating our lives via our emotional responses and intent, I feel strongly that rather than material ambitions and drives we are here to grow and expand our awareness, to experience a beautiful life and part of that involves healing ourselves and any pains we've suffered since we arrived here.

So, initially my partner and I would discuss this all in depth, we both accepted Synchronicty and signs as true valid things, I've had some experiences in my life that are impossible to explain or believe are not some kind of message or pointer to wake up to a deeper level of existence.

After a year of this, during which time he would tell me he was my soulmate, he'd waited lifetimes for me, we would discuss in depth our feelings, emotions, perceptions - I move to be with him, within three days everything is changed, he becomes abusive, intolerant, aggressive, and slowly over the course of two years has managed to convince me that I am insane, suddenly everything that we bonded over is nonsense according to him, he belittles my thoughts, feelings, experience, he seems to see himself as some superior being, more enlightened, more aware, more insightful, that he can see the problems in the world where others can't, frequently going into long monologues about authenticity, narcissism, true self and our state of being.

He verbally and emotionally abuses me and then tells me he's only telling me the Truth and that if it hurts me then it's good because he is only hurting my ego and that my ego is a false construct and so it doesn't matter, so he will literally scream and shout that I'm an idiot, have no soul, no depth, am superficial, have no empathy, and various other slurs and hateful things and then refuse to apologise or acknowledge what he's said or done or the hurt it's caused because, 'it's only words'.

He finds it very difficult to agree with anyone or anything, always forcing his opinions onto me and others as Truths, I am just at a loss as to understand the things he says and does and because I have built up such a strong belief system in my life of the deeper subtler meaning of life, I am feeling bruised and compelled to keep trying to understand, he believes himself to be some kind of guru, interested in Osho and Saghuru etc.

He talks about love, yet is not loving, then tells me that that is because I do not understand what love is, and that his being authentic is true love, being authentic means, insulting and verbally abusing me, showing no tolerance or patience whatsoever and blaming me for all his rages and moods.

I always thought that the highest point in our life, from a spiritual perspective would be something like a moving toward zen, no longer feeling compelled to control or manipulate people, or to force your opinions or feelings onto them, but this relationship has pulled me apart.

Just last week we had a huge argument because I tried to explain to him something I felt, that our experience can't be forced and that we have to grow at our level and pace, I tried to gently explain how it was difficult for me to truly accept his words and opinions when he showed so much hypocrisy in his behaviour, it resulted in an extremely intense reaction from him, calling me sick and ill and crazy, he throws these words about frequently, yet I do not think that I behave in some erratic or crazy way, I don't drink much, I don't and never have taken drugs, I don't overspend, or act out...this whole 'ego' thing just lately is driving me up the wall, I'm not allowed to express anything I feel, even though he tells me I should but when I do he rages, if I say nothing he says I'm passive aggressive, if I talk calmly I'm a sociopath, if I get angry I have BPD....

I just, I don't know what to do anymore. Even staying quiet and doing what he says doesn't work.
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Unread 01-21-2017, 07:50 PM   #2
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Hello LeelaD: From my perspective, you are simply being both verbally & emotionally abused. I take it you have not (at least yet) suffered physical abuse. But, from what you wrote, I fear that may not be far off. My recommendation, for what it's worth, is to get as far away from this man as you can as fast as you can. And do not look back. None of this has anything to do with spirituality. This is domestic abuse pure-&-simple...
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Unread 01-21-2017, 08:07 PM   #3
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I had a very similar experience with a former "spiritual leader." The whole "let go of your ego" thing is just crap. It's a way to tear you apart and build himself up as omnipotent. This is emotional and psychological abuse, and the only way I found to get away from it is putting up serious boundaries and going NO Contact. I suggest you look up the term "Gaslighting," as well as different ways to deal with a Narcissist. These are things that helped me, there are great videos on YT that are very helpful. Most importantly, get yourself some support - a real life person who you can talk to. This helped me a lot! I was so messed up with all the things he had convinced me of, I didn't even know who I was anymore. The first person I found was a Priest, the second was a really good Therapist. I think they both saved my life. Having a person show me compassion and listen woke me up to how cruel he had been.
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Unread 01-21-2017, 11:26 PM   #4
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LeelaD, please Leave this person behind ASAP. What you're going through is abuse. He is not going to change, no matter how much time or love you lavish on him or how much you try to change your own behavior to please him. Like Skeezyks, I believe it is only a matter of time before the verbal and emotional abuse turns into physical abuse as well. Please keep yourself safe. No one should have to live like you do
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Unread 01-22-2017, 12:00 AM   #5
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Default Re: Spiritual Narcissism

Hi thankyou, yes he has been physically abusive but denies or twists it, he has lashed out at me multiple times, my main issue is I came from a background where that was absolutely normal for my mother to lash out in rages and physically attack myself and my siblings so when it happened I kind of fell into this state of being where I reverted back to that time and just fell quiet and took the affection that came afterwards, that also coupled with the fact that many things he's said I've found to be insightful and true and then everything ends up in a confusing mess....it's crazy how someone telling you something enough and so repeatedly can make it become your fear or your worry or that you believe it...
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Unread 01-22-2017, 04:20 AM   #6
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Default Re: Spiritual Narcissism

Spiritual or not - he is controlling you. Please for your own sake, reach out in real life, if you need to get away. You don't deserve his abuse and neither does your sensitive soul.
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Unread 01-22-2017, 08:19 AM   #7
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Default Re: Spiritual Narcissism

Quote:
Originally Posted by LeelaD View Post
....it's crazy how someone telling you something enough and so repeatedly can make it become your fear or your worry or that you believe it...
This is Gaslighting. The Narcissist's tool of control.

It is very easy to repeat our old patterns and fall back on old ways of dealing with things. It is hard to choose to learn new ways and to break the patterns. In the end, that hard road of doing things differently, creates a new way that is not in the old patterns. We have to choose and act to make that happen. The only way to escape a Narcissist is to put up serious boundaries and go NO Contact. I hope you reach out to people who will help you.
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Unread 01-22-2017, 08:35 AM   #8
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Default Re: Spiritual Narcissism

at what point do we stop blaming others for our 'misfortunes' ?
i found that the regular practice of meditation revealed to me how my own thoughts and emotions, patterns of behavior, even early childhood conditioning and my responses to those, actually created my perception of reality.

so often we seek out for partners people like our parent. this is not a 'choice' so much as it is a 'truism'. it is part of the function of the brain to imprint on one's caregiver as the very model of Significant Other. thus, in adulthood, we often seek out, are attracted to, and bond with people like our parent.

only deep introspection will reveal the truth of this to a person. and only a profound understanding of self-responsibility will sustain a person who desires to change, i believe. that being said, if a person finds themself in an abusive relationship and can't imagine leaving, it behooves them to consider what is the payoff.

p.s. i'm not even sure this is the proper forum for this topic,, i rather think it snuck in without a ticket.
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Unread 01-22-2017, 12:13 PM   #9
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A B U S E. I'd very hard, but I've been there and done it: You MUST get away from your abuser.
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Unread 01-22-2017, 01:58 PM   #10
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