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Old 09-21-2018, 01:21 PM   #11
WishfulThinker66
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I guess I don't understand the whole organised religion thing. Any religious situation that demands you behave a certain way and perform a certain way is problematic for me. Case in point, the demand you tithe. I question an organisation that would demand you do anything that is difficult or detrimental to you and giving money you do not have is quite bothersome. If anything they ought to be offering you assistance instead of the other way around. Just my two cents here.

Regardless though, you attend because something about doing so does in fact provide comfort and if that is the case then I encourage you to embrace it. However, if you find that it is not so encouraging a situation you might have to re-evaluate things (I have no recommendation here nor tell you what is correct).

At the very least, you should feel the freedom to talk to your advisor about your concerns and difficulties. Be clear that some of the requirements are frankly beyond your capabilities. If they cannot come to terms with your spiritual needs are you in a position to get another?
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Old 09-21-2018, 01:53 PM   #12
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Hi Wishfulthinker, thanks for your post. I think that's the trouble. ...at the moment I'm not quite sure where to attend if I don't go there. I think I've decided to withdraw a bit and have actually seen a mental health based course which I'd like to attend so I've signed up for a trial session. I think what I'm struggling with is what feels like control but it wasn't happening so much initially., its just as what I thought was friendship developed into more of someone attempting to mentor me but we don't have the same interests and I feel she's trying to steer me.
Sorry, I'm probably repeating myself. I think she can be nice to have as a more distant friend but not this close. I just didn't realise how opening up to her could become such a problem. A couple of times when I've been with people she's started to question me about things I thought I'd shared in confidence so Ive obviously made a mistake trusting but my guard was down.

Edit: I know I've got to either talk to this person directly but I just haven't wanted to as I feel out of my depth. Either that or I ought to accept that I may need to leave.

Last edited by lilacsnow; 09-21-2018 at 03:34 PM..
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Old 09-21-2018, 10:18 PM   #13
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Itís a shame youíve found a spiritual home for yourself and feel uncomfortable due to this one personís behavior. I hope youíre able to find a way to work the problem out and not have to leave if you donít want to. Do you think you would be able to discuss with this person how you feel about your personal boundaries being crossed? In most cases I find itís not possible to have open and direct conversations like this with people... but when itís possible I have found itís very productive. Best of luck to you. ❤️
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Old 09-26-2018, 05:29 PM   #14
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I agree itís not her job to bully or guilt you

Unfortunately, bullies are usually not open to having open discussions about boundaries etc But I hope this works out for you
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Old 09-26-2018, 05:48 PM   #15
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Thanks for everyone's replies. I have been thinking it through more and think that some of this could really be just basic misunderstandings and assumptions that have taken place over our expectations - as well as different personality types. Today after being told that she wasn't free to visit me (which I hadn't asked for) I just said 'I'm okay, I'm fine' and that was accepted. I think she feels she needs to care for me but because of mis-communication this situation has come about. Relationships can be so complex!!! This is a learning curve for me for sure.

I suppose I tend to think of bullies as more overt, but generally whats happening seems to be more about assumptions she is making and me not being quick enough to challenge them!
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Old 09-27-2018, 09:48 AM   #16
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Default Re: struggling with boundaries with spiritual elder

Please consider writing this woman a letter -- just what you have put in your posts here.

When I have not wanted to engage with someone, I have found it helpful to say something like, "I'm not going to be able to ..." (meet, chat with you right now...etc). If they don't get that as a 'no' and they ask, "Why?" I look them in the eye and say, "Because I am not feeling well right now."

No need to elaborate on that. If they are totally clueless and continue to ask why then I leave/walk away.
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Old 11-06-2018, 10:55 AM   #17
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Old 11-08-2018, 11:04 AM   #18
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My feelings on organised religion have been laid out before and this is just one such example of why I am troubled with it. From what I know of the beliefs around Jesus this is so far removed from what sort of individual he was and the practices he kept that this sort of behaviour is highly questionable. I don't mean to attack your faith and Church but to me anyone that makes such demands is not something in good conscious ethical or even moral. Is it possible for you to explore what else is available out there within your faith group that does operate on ethical grounds. Furthermore, your spiritual guide is not a professional and I would try to remember that when considering their 'recommendations' and demands. As for the tithing, I'd like you to consider the true motive behind this requirement and heavy leaning on you to do so. Look around you at the church and the clergy that run it. What kind of lifestyles do they lead? Is the church in dire need of funds to operate? I really encourage you to ask yourself these things. You are already questioning the legitimacy of these things else you would not have posted. Continue to do so. If you are looking for an acknowledgment of your worry, consider that done.
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Old 11-16-2018, 03:59 PM   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WishfulThinker66 View Post
My feelings on organised religion have been laid out before and this is just one such example of why I am troubled with it. From what I know of the beliefs around Jesus this is so far removed from what sort of individual he was and the practices he kept that this sort of behaviour is highly questionable. I don't mean to attack your faith and Church but to me anyone that makes such demands is not something in good conscious ethical or even moral. Is it possible for you to explore what else is available out there within your faith group that does operate on ethical grounds. Furthermore, your spiritual guide is not a professional and I would try to remember that when considering their 'recommendations' and demands. As for the tithing, I'd like you to consider the true motive behind this requirement and heavy leaning on you to do so. Look around you at the church and the clergy that run it. What kind of lifestyles do they lead? Is the church in dire need of funds to operate? I really encourage you to ask yourself these things. You are already questioning the legitimacy of these things else you would not have posted. Continue to do so. If you are looking for an acknowledgment of your worry, consider that done.
Thanks very much for writing and the acknowledgement youve given. Since starting this thread other things have now happened which have prompted me to definitely leave. I can't really post them here as they'd be obvious to anyone I knew coming across them.

So I'm on verge of confirming this to the leading spiritual elder.
I didn't write in the end to the person concerned because I felt that would give them even more information about me, if that makes
sense. I guess I just didn't want to trust them to that degree.

Thanks again to everyone who replied.
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Old 11-16-2018, 04:18 PM   #20
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There are very involved people, volunteers in houses of worship who are totally obnoxious and welcomed there to wreak havoc. Iíve experienced them personally. They appear so good hearted and well meaning, but they are mean bullies, wolves in sheepís clothing, toxic people whose own children hate them. The organization tolerates them because they are dedicated and generous with their time and money.
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