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Old 02-14-2019, 09:09 PM #1
Topiarysurvivor Topiarysurvivor is offline
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Default When fantasies come true

I wrote this when I was first understanding the damage left behind when my therapist of 3 years terminated my therapy so that she could become my lover.
Forgive the terrible writing - I wrote it in pain, and every time I try to edit it, it seems to lose that voice.

About my fantasies which came true, leaving me broken.

ln my favorite fantasy:

you knew me
you really knew me.
and you loved me anyway

You loved me so much that you would give up the career that you had pursued for more than 20 years , risk your reputation
forfeit your license
face sanction
face shame in the faces of your peers
just to be with me

In my fantasy , you said, " I know all about you. You've told me everything, so now I will tell you about me. I've counted it up, and to be fair , I need to talk for 163 hours. What I will tell you will even things up.

We will be able to walk into the rest of our lives as equals.

in my fantasy, that was actually a possibility, and not the first lie.


in my fantasy , your nose was distinguished instead of cute

you never pulled me toward you roughly , even in play
and you always made sure I knew that I was not trapped when you held me in your arms

in my fantasy, we had sofa time every afternoon, where you held me , without talking , with silence around us , and when we rose , we both felt brand new.
our house was a joyous mix of your things and mine

No longer fantasy :
in your office, that last day, you told me you loved me
you told me that you would give up your career if you needed to,
forfeit your license , risk your reputation, face the shame in the faces of your peers
to be with me
and then you talked, for 157 hours, because in my fantasy, my math was a little off,
and i listened , and asked questions

but your nose was cute instead of distinguished

It must have been sofa time every afternoon when we sat on two different sofas in the basement of our home. the ones from your waiting room, on different sides of our family room decorated with art from your office
and you talked again

this time you were teaching me how to please you
saying all the things you couldn't say as you listened in therapy , about how I could change so that we would be happier

after the last time in your office , you thought it was funny to hold me in your arms just long enough and just tight enough to start the panic
and you expected me to be thankful when you released me


you didn't know that the moment you took my hands in yours, when you brought them to your lips
was the moment that I lost you
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Old 02-25-2019, 06:19 PM #2
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Thank you for sharing your pain...
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