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Old 12-23-2018, 02:38 AM #1
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Default If I... (venting)

I don't really have romantic feelings, but I don't want my thread to be moved so I started it here just in case.

The main question is -
If I told my T that I want to kiss him on the cheek (at least) sometimes (I know it's impossible), would he runaway screaming? I doubt I could tell him. But I want. Why? This thought is really bothering. I don't think I'm bad because of this thought. I feel tenderness... I can imagine kissing a friend on the cheek. But I'm not allowed to feel so about my T. How can I stop thinking and FEELING?

I also want to hug him more often, I guess it's possible, but is it?

Tbh, I think that my therapy is ruined. I love him not romantically, but I love him the way too much. I'm jealous of his wife and of everyone around him. I think we could be friends, but it's impossible. While I'm nothing to him and he hates me.
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Old 12-23-2018, 05:50 AM #2
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Default Re: If I... (venting)

A well-trained therapist accepts ALL of your feelings; they aren't right or wrong, they simply...are. I hug my t hello and goodbye
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Old 12-23-2018, 06:30 AM #3
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Default Re: If I... (venting)

A well trained therapist will not go running; they will explore these feelings with you and be very open to talking about them and what they mean.

I think itís great that you are able to get an occasional hug. I donít know if my therapist would do that and Iím too afraid to ask. But yes - a kiss would definitely cross major professional boundaries. But do talk about it - it is very freeing to be able to unpack that.
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Old 12-23-2018, 06:37 AM #4
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Default Re: If I... (venting)

I also think talking about it is a good idea. I don't think your T hates you, but you probably don't mean as much to him as he means to you.
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Old 12-23-2018, 07:24 AM #5
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Default Re: If I... (venting)

Everyone will react differently, hard to say.... but as long as you clarify you don't intend to act on it, it should be ok

As for the hugs, ask! I had them every session with mine, depends on the T's comfort level with hugs
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Old 12-23-2018, 07:34 AM #6
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Default Re: If I... (venting)

There's nothing wrong with having these kind of feelings and thoughts towards your therapist and it's honestly very very common. A good T will encourage you to explore this without shaming you. I hope you can bring this up with him.
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Old 12-23-2018, 09:53 AM #7
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Default Re: If I... (venting)

You say that you're not allowed to feel these things. But that's not true. And I think your T, from what I've heard of him, feels the same. Yes, this might never happen, it's a boundary that should not be crossed for most therapists. But that doesn't mean that you can't think and feel like this. Feelings are not something we can influence a whole lot or change. They just are.

I don't think your T would run away if you told him. I even think it'd be a good idea to tell him. Feelings don't ruin therapy, they are what is the work of therapy. Sometimes it hurts a lot. For example, your T has a family and you're jealous of them. But that doesn't make you a bad person, it's pretty normal. Therapy can help you to deal with those feelings, so that when you experience them with other people in your life, you hopefully feel more comfortable and can get to a point where you're happy with the things you have and achieve in your own life.
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Old 12-23-2018, 05:38 PM #8
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Default Re: If I... (venting)

It sounds very normal to want to do those things and to feel that way but It's hard to get through the shame that accompanies those desires. Maybe in the past you've had very negative experiences in response to your loving feelings.

Do you really think he hates you or is that your default belief that you have about yourself?

I think it's possible for therapists to also experience very complex, intense feelings towards their clients, even love but part of their job is to be able to remain partly detached and observational(?), so that they don't get caught up and can keep thinking. It's hard going for us though.
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