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Old 11-12-2018, 12:01 PM   #41
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Default Re: Sexual relationship with T

Quote:
Originally Posted by missbella View Post
. . .
I'm happy to learn of folks with such flawless judgment that they're immunized against any scam, charlatan or abuse of power. No wonder they visit this discussion to flaunt their infallibility.
And since they are not subject to the vulnerabilities or temptations that afflict some others -- no need to consider their judgment as having any value about the kind of situation the OP was writing about since, as one poster with this view said

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. . .
This hasn't happened to me nor would it but I'm just merely saying in a hypothetical thing. I don't like people telling me who i should blame etc. I will decide that myself
The rest of us can decide for ourselves who is to blame, too.
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Old 11-12-2018, 01:10 PM   #42
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Default Re: Sexual relationship with T

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Originally Posted by here today View Post
And since they are not subject to the vulnerabilities or temptations that afflict some others -- no need to consider their judgment as having any value about the kind of situation the OP was writing about since, as one poster with this view said

The rest of us can decide for ourselves who is to blame, too.
Various therapy associations have few agreements about ethics. The sole exception, the sacrosanct boundary, is prohibition against sexual relations with clients. The therapists is solely and always responsible and subject civil, professional and sometimes criminal penalties for transgression. The most superficial survey of psych ethics literature will uncover that.

At age 67, I've been entrapped by various charmers and charlatans and hope I'm better at recognizing them. But I can't foresee ever being so invisibly wise that no one will ever fool or exploit me again.
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Old 11-12-2018, 01:51 PM   #43
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Default Re: Sexual relationship with T

Hi all - OP here.

I thought I might weigh back in here. I certainly didn't expect this thread to take this course.

Relationships between T and patients can be exceedingly complex; this complexity makes blame about any specific outcome - good or bad - potentially less relevant. While the ethics of sexual relationships are crystal clear, I will say that I took a lot of responsibility (right or wrong) for what happened. Mine was a therapeutic relationship bound by poorly managed maternal transference and the child part's terror of losing his 'mother'. Therapy ended, I think, because of romantic attraction from the T to me; the post-T relationships that were 'offered' to me included none or sexual. With where I was at the time so deep in maternal transference, I had to take the sexual one. I couldn't tolerate being abandoned again. That was, in fact, what the therapy was about.

I have spent endless hours trying to sort out how it got there, what I did or didn't do right, how my therapist was so horrible vs the most amazing person I've ever known. The worst of it all is that it ended so suddenly (my choice) and we never even said goodbye. We never tried to figure out how to resolve things in a way that could minimize the damage - to both of us. Because while she may have violated an ethical boundary, she was undoubtedly ripped apart by this. Who's fault is that? Does it matter? The pain is the same. The damage is done.

I thought suing her could help me move on, and when that didn't work, it left me even worse. The horrible things her attorney said - I never knew if my ex-T said or believed them, or even knew about them - hurt beyond words. They violated every core belief I / Child part held on to about her care and love, held on to the certainty that she loved me no matter what. That Child part has now been victimized again, abandoned again. Worse for suffering through what was experientially for me an incestuous, abusive sexual relationship of child with mother.

You all can accept this or not. You can tell me I'm full of **** about the power of mishandled maternal transference. You can disregard my feelings of a child being sexually abused (and my heart goes out to those of you who have been victims.) But please try not to boil this down to an academic argument of who's fault it was and how I, or any other victim of therapist abuse, should have 'known better'. Because like it or not, all of us take responsibility in the aftermath. We have no choice because we're the ones left to try and put our lives back together. We're the ones who hate ourselves for what happened. We're the ones who see in it the validation of our own failures, weakness, and vulgarity.
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Old 11-12-2018, 03:29 PM   #44
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Default Re: Sexual relationship with T

My participation in this discussion is indirect: a therapist team scapegoated and bullied me before a therapy group. However I was seduced by a couple of "authority figures" and entangled with a married neighbor who sexually harassed me. A TELL responder recommended Susan Penfold's book, which said it was the lead up the sexual abuse that did the most damage.

I definitely blamed myself for a long time. I received almost no help from therapists themselves, most of whom seem terrified of discussion about exploitative therapists. Even Keith-Spiegel's "ethics" book "Red Flags in Psychotherapy" painted a fictional sexual abuse survivors as a clueless, oversexed starlet, and Amazon reviewers (presumably interested in ethics) rebuked me when I protested the disrespect of this.

I can speculate why therapists and their defenders castigate survivors of exploitation. It reminds me of cult lieutenants defending their guru and enforcing the hierarchy. The notion of the fallible, amoral therapist upends a sense of security and order. That is one of the many myths a survivor must examine when recovering from harmful therapy.

I can't imagine the hostility that overcomes those who interject in a painful conversation to shame survivors. To me, it replays the metaphor of families that silence its members trying to discuss exploitation and violation.

Last edited by missbella; 11-12-2018 at 03:48 PM..
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Old 11-13-2018, 08:37 AM   #45
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Default Re: Sexual relationship with T

Quote:
Originally Posted by Parva View Post
Hi all - OP here.

I thought I might weigh back in here. I certainly didn't expect this thread to take this course.

Relationships between T and patients can be exceedingly complex; this complexity makes blame about any specific outcome - good or bad - potentially less relevant. While the ethics of sexual relationships are crystal clear, I will say that I took a lot of responsibility (right or wrong) for what happened. Mine was a therapeutic relationship bound by poorly managed maternal transference and the child part's terror of losing his 'mother'. Therapy ended, I think, because of romantic attraction from the T to me; the post-T relationships that were 'offered' to me included none or sexual. With where I was at the time so deep in maternal transference, I had to take the sexual one. I couldn't tolerate being abandoned again. That was, in fact, what the therapy was about.

I have spent endless hours trying to sort out how it got there, what I did or didn't do right, how my therapist was so horrible vs the most amazing person I've ever known. The worst of it all is that it ended so suddenly (my choice) and we never even said goodbye. We never tried to figure out how to resolve things in a way that could minimize the damage - to both of us. Because while she may have violated an ethical boundary, she was undoubtedly ripped apart by this. Who's fault is that? Does it matter? The pain is the same. The damage is done.

I thought suing her could help me move on, and when that didn't work, it left me even worse. The horrible things her attorney said - I never knew if my ex-T said or believed them, or even knew about them - hurt beyond words. They violated every core belief I / Child part held on to about her care and love, held on to the certainty that she loved me no matter what. That Child part has now been victimized again, abandoned again. Worse for suffering through what was experientially for me an incestuous, abusive sexual relationship of child with mother.

You all can accept this or not. You can tell me I'm full of **** about the power of mishandled maternal transference. You can disregard my feelings of a child being sexually abused (and my heart goes out to those of you who have been victims.) But please try not to boil this down to an academic argument of who's fault it was and how I, or any other victim of therapist abuse, should have 'known better'. Because like it or not, all of us take responsibility in the aftermath. We have no choice because we're the ones left to try and put our lives back together. We're the ones who hate ourselves for what happened. We're the ones who see in it the validation of our own failures, weakness, and vulgarity.
Here's the thing, though. You went to therapy for healing, for help. And, as you said in your OP, it destroyed your life. It wasn't right It wasn't. No matter what your participation in it was, it was not right, on the part of society's licensed "helper". So you sought justice. And received more injustice. I appreciate you telling your story, and so completely. Don't know what more to say It sucks. In many ways society sucks right now. So sorry the lessons were so hardly learned for you, but thanks for sharing them so perhaps some of the rest of us can learn something.
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