Psych Central

Go Back   Forums at Psych Central > > >



advertisement
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 10-08-2018, 10:30 PM   #1
hislua
Junior Member
 
hislua's Avatar
hislua has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 22
31 hugs
given
Confused can you report?

specifically abuse where there were no physical boundaries crossed, but other types of boundaries?

i feel like i can't report because he never touched me or made explicitly sexual comments to me.

other than briefly mentioning some of his past sexual experiences, the abuse was more emotional (but there was some seductiveness to it). he knew i was in love with him and used it against me. he'd known my past and how vulnerable i was.
he played mind games. he deprived me of my teenage years and i swear i'll be scarred forever. i myself know i was abused. probably being groomed. but how can i prove that? all i have are my memories of things he said over the years, and even those are kind of blurry. he seriously messed me up.

these are a few of the things that i believe are noteworthy in terms of what others would consider inappropriate. i'd also like to preface all of these things happened while i was 14-18, and he was 32-35:

- he talked about his dislike/annoyance for his wife. he said "marriage isn't for everyone. certainly not for me". there was also one day where he was obviously distressed, and when i asked what was wrong, he said "you're one of the first people i'm telling this to. *insert wife's name* is pregnant". then he went on to say that his wife was expecting a girl, and that he thought god was punishing him with another daughter because he treated girls badly when he was younger. seriously. and let me also mention that i learned that his wife divorced him recently. apparently he cheated. but i digress.
- he talked a lot about himself in general. his other job that he hates, his experiences when he was younger, honestly just his issues in general. clearly he had a lot that he needed to work out for himself in therapy instead of letting his heart out to a teenage girl. i ever told him he should get a therapist. he said he had one but stopped going.
- i asked him one day if he loved me. at this point i was feeling so tortured. i was either 16 or 17. he said something like "i've always had a really hard time with that word. i don't think i ever really loved someone until *insert first daughter's name* (((not his wife???)))". then he said something like "i care about you very much and the way i feel is equal to that word".
- there was that one time he said, laughing about something i said, "oh i love you. and hate. you can't have one without the other".
- always said "i need you as much as you need me". always said he cared about me. how he "wouldn't let me leave" (joking?). talked about how mature i was for my age. those typical grooming words, in my opinion.

there was a lot more. these are just the first things that come to my mind. a lot of it is blurry and i've repressed so much.

i guess i'm just looking for feedback on whether or not this stuff is worth reporting. i've done a lot of research about my state's laws and stuff but i'm still not really sure. i guess i also don't know what the benefit would even be. i don't think he would get his license revoked because he didn't do anything really sexual. yeah he crossed boundaries and wasn't ethical and was literally just a bad therapist, but is that something worth reporting? would the board care? is the stuff i mentioned that bad? i have no idea at this point.

p.s. i'm currently seeing a new therapist who says she supports my decision regardless of whether or not i choose to report. however she is pretty young and new to the practice and doesn't know anything about the process of reporting. so i'd do it myself. which is fine. i already know how. i just don't know if i should, or can.
hislua is offline   Reply With Quote

advertisement
Old 10-09-2018, 01:22 AM   #2
Ididitmyway
Magnate
 
Ididitmyway's Avatar
Ididitmyway has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,071
My Mood: can you report?

5 yr Member
128 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: can you report?

I am so extremely sorry for what you went through when you were a teenage girl.

As a survivor of abuse in therapy myself, it pains me to read stories like yours, and it pains me especially because I know that more often than not justice doesn't get served in those cases.

Unfortunately, if you don't have any evidence of what went on during your sessions with him, your report will not produce a desirable outcome (which is to hold the abuser accountable). You can still report, but without an evidence nothing will be done to him. The only reason it might be worth reporting is if you feel the fact of reporting, in and of itself, will help you to deal with your pain somehow. Otherwise, if you are hoping for justice to be served, it's not worth it.

Just out of curiosity, did you ever tell your parents about what he was doing with you? Not that it matters. It's just if you started therapy at 14, then it must have been by your parents initiative. And, usually, parents communicate with the therapist about their child's progress. So, I am just curios if your parents were involved in your process at all.

I don't know if you have reached out for support here or in other places, but, at this point, getting whatever help you need healing your trauma may be the best you can do for yourself.
Ididitmyway is offline   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Hugs from:
Old 10-09-2018, 03:03 PM   #3
hislua
Junior Member
 
hislua's Avatar
hislua has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 22
31 hugs
given
Default Re: can you report?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ididitmyway View Post
I am so extremely sorry for what you went through when you were a teenage girl.

As a survivor of abuse in therapy myself, it pains me to read stories like yours, and it pains me especially because I know that more often than not justice doesn't get served in those cases.

Unfortunately, if you don't have any evidence of what went on during your sessions with him, your report will not produce a desirable outcome (which is to hold the abuser accountable). You can still report, but without an evidence nothing will be done to him. The only reason it might be worth reporting is if you feel the fact of reporting, in and of itself, will help you to deal with your pain somehow. Otherwise, if you are hoping for justice to be served, it's not worth it.

Just out of curiosity, did you ever tell your parents about what he was doing with you? Not that it matters. It's just if you started therapy at 14, then it must have been by your parents initiative. And, usually, parents communicate with the therapist about their child's progress. So, I am just curios if your parents were involved in your process at all.

I don't know if you have reached out for support here or in other places, but, at this point, getting whatever help you need healing your trauma may be the best you can do for yourself.

thank you. i appreciate the kind words. i'm afraid you're right about justice not being served in situations like this. i have yet to decide whether or not i feel like reporting would give me some satisfaction or emotional relief. i'm leaning more towards no, as i know it's a tedious process and it'll probably just get me more frustrated being told that nothing can be done.

i have been seeing therapists since i was very young. after departure from an outpatient program at 14, i decided i wanted a new therapist. my parents were involved to an extent. sometimes my parents would come in at the beginning of a session and just share their concerns. the majority of the sessions would just be him and i, though. after they left the room, he would always kind of pull this "screw them" card. it's hard to explain. he thought they were annoying, and of course as a teenager i thought they were to. he usually discouraged me from really being open with them, and only wanted me to be open with him. and i was. after i gave him a note and said i was leaving, i told my mom about everything that had happened over the years. she said she always knew something was off, and that he was immature and kind of snarky, but didn't know the extent to which he was being inappropriate and crossing boundaries. my dad still doesn't really understand or believe it i think, as my therapist was very good at putting on a show for my parents. it's weird. my mom says now that she wishes she knew what was happening during those years. i have a much better relationship with her now that he is out of my life. he wanted me to believe my parents were the enemy, and i allowed that. i know now that they care about me far more than he did.
hislua is offline   Reply With Quote
Hugs from:
Old 10-09-2018, 05:14 PM   #4
precaryous
Grand Magnate
 
precaryous's Avatar
precaryous has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2014
Location: outside the norm
Posts: 3,526 (SuperPoster!)
3 yr Member
7,303 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: can you report?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ididitmyway View Post
I am so extremely sorry for what you went through when you were a teenage girl.

As a survivor of abuse in therapy myself, it pains me to read stories like yours, and it pains me especially because I know that more often than not justice doesn't get served in those cases.

Unfortunately, if you don't have any evidence of what went on during your sessions with him, your report will not produce a desirable outcome (which is to hold the abuser accountable). You can still report, but without an evidence nothing will be done to him. The only reason it might be worth reporting is if you feel the fact of reporting, in and of itself, will help you to deal with your pain somehow. Otherwise, if you are hoping for justice to be served, it's not worth it.

Just out of curiosity, did you ever tell your parents about what he was doing with you? Not that it matters. It's just if you started therapy at 14, then it must have been by your parents initiative. And, usually, parents communicate with the therapist about their child's progress. So, I am just curios if your parents were involved in your process at all.

I don't know if you have reached out for support here or in other places, but, at this point, getting whatever help you need healing your trauma may be the best you can do for yourself.
Idid, do you think it would be helpful for OP to report in case there are other complaints against the therapist? Would the board keep her report on file, then?
precaryous is offline   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 10-10-2018, 02:43 AM   #5
Ididitmyway
Magnate
 
Ididitmyway's Avatar
Ididitmyway has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,071
My Mood: can you report?

5 yr Member
128 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: can you report?

Quote:
Originally Posted by precaryous View Post
Idid, do you think it would be helpful for OP to report in case there are other complaints against the therapist? Would the board keep her report on file, then?
Yes, I think, it would. Usually, when other cases are reported any additional case is taken into consideration or so I was told. But, in that case, the perpetrator ( the therapist) would still be investigated on the basis of the evidence from other cases, I think. So, it would not be the OPs case that would decide the outcome. But, it'd still help to report it if there are other complaints. It just gives the board more reason to take the reported violations seriously. If the perp gets punished, who cares how it happens, right? Whether it is the OPs or someone else's case that becomes a decisive factor, the justice would be served then. But I don't know if OP knows of other such cases reported.
Ididitmyway is offline   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 10-10-2018, 02:24 PM   #6
precaryous
Grand Magnate
 
precaryous's Avatar
precaryous has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2014
Location: outside the norm
Posts: 3,526 (SuperPoster!)
3 yr Member
7,303 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: can you report?

hislua,

Iím sorry you experienced this and am glad you have found an ethical therapist.

Yes, you can report. As Ididitmyway says, your report probably will not get him disciplined without any proof. Have you saved emails, texts or letters with him being inappropriate?

As Idid and I discussed above, the board may use your information to investigate him if they have received other complaints or if they receive new complaints in the future. I feel there is a chance there might be something there...If he felt free to speak inappropriately to you as fourteen, fifteen-eighteen year old, chances are he has been inappropriate with other clients, as well.
precaryous is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-10-2018, 02:45 PM   #7
AllHeart
Magnate
 
AllHeart's Avatar
AllHeart is.
 
Member Since: Feb 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 2,013
My Mood: can you report?

3 yr Member
2,117 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: can you report?

I reported my ex-therapist basically for emotional abuse. I have an open case with the board right now. I found healing in doing the report itself.

As for evidence, if you don't have anything tangible, you may have proof of wrongdoing in the personal information he disclosed to you about himself. TELL might be able to help you with this, too.
AllHeart is offline   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Hugs from:
Old 10-13-2018, 06:56 AM   #8
Anne2.0
Magnate
Anne2.0 content
 
Member Since: Aug 2012
Location: Anonymous
Posts: 2,866
5 yr Member
125 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: can you report?

I think it can be helpful to report your experience as long as you don't need to be validated by the ethics board, meaning that it might be valuable for you to write down your experience, as the process of that itself might be healing. And sending it to the ethics board can be a way of releasing what you've been holding inside you, breaking your silence can be good for you no matter what. It's hard to predict what an ethics board will do with the information, so plan a way to be okay with whatever happens. Once you've released the information, it no longer belongs to you and you can't control what they do with it. I would expect they might not even investigate and just close it down. However, I think you will get a response no matter what.

I reported the therapist who owned the agency where my child had therapy for a little while. Her agency tried to bill me the full price for sessions my insurance had already paid for (and I'd paid my co-pay for). In my state, I was able to access the online complaint system (I'd be surprised if most states don't have this, just like you can look up complaints against therapists). I received an answer within days that they don't investigate insurance fraud by therapists. I suppose, though they didn't tell me this, that it's a consumer fraud/criminal matter.

I'm a believer in #MeToo, in telling your story in whatever way makes sense to you. Maybe it's enough for you to tell it in therapy, or maybe it would help you to make it public. He will receive a copy of your complaint, which means that at least he will have to read it. Doesn't mean he will hear you or agree, but there's something to be said for telling people they've hurt you and being serious enough about it to write it down and report it. Good luck with whatever you decide.
Anne2.0 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 01:02 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.




advertisement

 

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice,
diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider. .
Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.

 

HomeAbout UsContact UsPrivacy PolicyTerms of UseDisclaimer
Forums HomeCommunity GuidelinesHelp


 
Helplines and Lifelines