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Old 09-12-2018, 10:13 PM   #1
Dnester
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Default Why are we attracted to Ts

Why if we see our therapist as a mother or father would we also want them sexually. I know its quite normal but its gross.
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Old 09-13-2018, 06:22 AM   #2
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I like to think of it as the manifestation of child like feelings and needs in an adult body.
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Old 09-13-2018, 06:35 AM   #3
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Because we have different parts that come forward depending on what triggers them. Sometimes my child parts are in the drivers seat and I want my T as a father and sometimes my teenage/ early adult part have taken over, who learned from a young age that if a man did something nice for me that I repaid them with sex, and then there is my adult self that finds him intellectually stimulating and that triggers my libido.

I flip all over the place day to day.
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When a child’s emotional needs are not met and a child is repeatedly hurt and abused, this deeply and profoundly affects the child’s development. Wanting those unmet childhood needs in adulthood. Looking for safety, protection, being cherished and loved can often be normal unmet needs in childhood, and the survivor searches for these in other adults. This can be where survivors search for mother and father figures. Transference issues in counseling can occur and this is normal for childhood abuse survivors.
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Old 09-13-2018, 08:01 AM   #4
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We are attracted to people who help us and care for us.
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Old 09-13-2018, 09:22 AM   #5
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Default Re: Why are we attracted to Ts

I imagine, the same reasons we can feel attraction to anyone...
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Old 09-13-2018, 10:02 AM   #6
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Default Re: Why are we attracted to Ts

Because they are not real. You don't really know them and they don't really know you. It is fiction.
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Old 09-13-2018, 12:20 PM   #7
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Default Re: Why are we attracted to Ts

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Originally Posted by stopdog View Post
Because they are not real. You don't really know them and they don't really know you. It is fiction.

I agree with this. Yes, some people tend to get attracted to others that seem to demonstrate undivided attention and caring although not everyone follows this pattern, whether in therapy or in everyday life. There can be many subjective reasons. For example, I do tend to feel drawn to people who show some similar characteristics as my father had, because my dad and I got along really well and he had traits and strategies in his life that I naturally grew to value, like independence and autonomy, ambition, creativity, a good level of fearlessness to try new things, optimism, an undying entrepreneurial spirit that never left him until ~age 80. A self-made non-conformist. He was always encouraging me to explore whatever I was interested in and to create a life I wanted for myself, whether it involved family or not. Very inspiring person in general. I definitely developed a lot of the same features in myself effortlessly but his influence was a great example throughout my life. He also had less endearing traits such as a level of narcissism that I did not like and still don't like in people, and sometimes that comes with the ambition I tend to like in people, but I tend to avoid those that have too much of it.

But in terms of therapy, I agree with stopdog that we don't really know the Ts. Many of us tend to project certain features onto them though and they often encourage these projections and exploring them as working with transference and such. People in everyday ordinary relationships do not usually cherish and encourage such projections and we also get a lot more realistic info from those interactions, which can prevent the cultivation of strong transference processes. I know, for example, that I tend to get quite irritated when people project on me and idealize me beyond short periods and usually try to break the illusions. Most psychodynamic therapists don't break but encourage them at least initially, of course that leads to the feelings developing and staying more/longer.
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Old 09-13-2018, 12:44 PM   #8
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Default Re: Why are we attracted to Ts

They listen, and give their undivided attention to you, and they know many secrets of you that you would not share with anyone else. So you have invested a great deal of trust on them.

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I haven't been to my T for over a month now.
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Old 09-13-2018, 08:17 PM   #9
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Because we have different parts that come forward depending on what triggers them. Sometimes my child parts are in the drivers seat and I want my T as a father and sometimes my teenage/ early adult part have taken over, who learned from a young age that if a man did something nice for me that I repaid them with sex, and then there is my adult self that finds him intellectually stimulating and that triggers my libido.

I flip all over the place day to day.

Yes, it's different parts looking for something different. Plus according to...Freud I think? There's a point in early childhood development when we're in love with one (or maybe both?) of our parents. For me, too, I think with ex-marriage counselor, I kept thinking how I wanted him to hold me. So it's like, to my adult brain, "Oh, that must mean I'm attracted to him and want him romantically and/or sexually." When "I want him to hold me" could have just as easily been coming from a child part. It's very confusing, I agree (I had both paternal and erotic transference for my former marriage counselor).
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Old 09-13-2018, 08:20 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vishva8kumara View Post
They listen, and give their undivided attention to you, and they know many secrets of you that you would not share with anyone else. So you have invested a great deal of trust on them.

p.s
I haven't been to my T for over a month now.

This, too--ex-marriage counselor said at one point how therapy can be very seductive because of this. It's someone listening to you and caring about you. Current T has said something similar, in how it's common for clients to have romantic feelings for their therapists because of the intimate nature of therapy. It's two people sitting in a room together, one sharing their deepest thoughts and feelings while the other listens intently and expresses care. Which isn't so far from what romance can be, except with that, you also have to worry about the other person's thoughts and feelings, where that's much less the case with a T.
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