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Old 09-13-2018, 11:25 PM   #11
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Default Re: Why are we attracted to Ts

Wow...this has finally clicked for me.
So if we tend to fall in love with that "father figure" that explains why I tend to be attracted to guys who are are abusive momma's boys and I have absolutely no desire to be attached or connected to my T. It also explains why I have actually asked T to be mean to me so I would be more comfortable in session. Maybe there are reasons behind my freakishness.
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Old 09-14-2018, 04:18 AM   #12
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Default Re: Why are we attracted to Ts

I think it's a common misconception that babies and children have zero sexual impulses. I don't mean in the same sense that we as adults experience them... i.e. wanting to have sex (although I wonder if that is really a societal construct, as much as a biological urge) but I mean in terms of desire, love, excitement, arousal. All you have to do is look at a baby who has just been fed. You know, that blissed out milk drunk look of total contentment?

And the people who provide us with the stimuli are usually our parents - touch, love, comfort, intimacy, excitement. When we are small, all of those feelings are all mixed up in a big bubbling soup of 'good feelings'. That's our template for relationships. Don't they say men marry their mothers and women marry their fathers? Though one therapist I read said, women also marry their mothers.

Then there's the Oedipus complex theory, which I have to say, having had small children and been one, I totally get. This is the stage where women tend to develop their 'daddy' issues from.
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Old 10-20-2018, 07:57 AM   #13
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Default Re: Why are we attracted to Ts

I have maternal and erotic transference for my T. Sometimes one dominates over the other and sometimes it's a mixed bag. I've read that the distinctions we place between emotional intimacy, sexual intimacy, non-sexual sensuality, sexual and non-sexual physical pleasures... are actually pretty blurry.

A mother/child relationship, and a lover/lover relationship are probably the peak of intimacy. You grow in the mother, merged, and then you're kept close to her for a long time after birth. As a baby you don't even have a sense of self separated from the mother. She breastfeeds, soothes you and meets your needs. That's very sensual and intimate. The closest 'merging' we have access to now are sexual/romantic adult relationships. If the childhood needs were unmet they could find some expression through relationships we have as adults. Your mind and body are going to make associations between all those messy feelings you have for your T.

Our underlying desires for the T are presumably childlike needs of emotional intimacy, affection, being soothed, merging with a parent, etc. But we're interpreting these needs as adults and it stirs up sexual feelings. Our minds are searching for a role in which to place the unique relationship of therapist/client, and with transference it feels like all sorts of intimacy and love. To me it's like I want to be as close as possible to her; experiencing both types of feelings is like maximising the intimacy.

So I think parental and erotic transference for your T makes sense because there are similarities in those feelings and relationships. We're both adult humans so the possibility of chemistry and attraction is there. We're experiencing repeated emotionally-intimate contact with a caring person who offers unconditional positive regard, and they might even be attractive too! Totally understandable to be attracted, even with the parental feelings too. I see it as a general whirlwind of loving feelings being stirred up in me, and it's okay if it seems weird, because it's a hot mess of different needs and desires directed at this one person.
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Old 10-21-2018, 08:12 AM   #14
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Default Re: Why are we attracted to Ts

Originally Posted by Dnester View Post
Why if we see our therapist as a mother or father would we also want them sexually. I know its quite normal but its gross.
Feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are....not gross.
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