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Unread 05-12-2017, 09:04 AM   #1
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tbh ... I still want to get with my ex T. I still think about her all the time.

Anyone been able to get over it?

I really wish we were still in touch. Tbh I feel like we're playing chicken, who will get lonelier first. But I think she has the upper hand. In fact, it's been a long time since I felt like she even needed me or wanted me. I wish she would tell me that's the case so I could let go...

I'm trying to be mature and move on but my heart just is still stuck in the past with her. Haven't found someone to replace her with either. It sucks. I don't miss her as a T or want her as a T though, I just want to be with her, even though she would deserve better than me.
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Unread 05-13-2017, 10:42 AM   #2
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tbh ... I still want to get with my ex T. I still think about her all the time.

Anyone been able to get over it?

I really wish we were still in touch. Tbh I feel like we're playing chicken, who will get lonelier first. But I think she has the upper hand. In fact, it's been a long time since I felt like she even needed me or wanted me. I wish she would tell me that's the case so I could let go...

I'm trying to be mature and move on but my heart just is still stuck in the past with her. Haven't found someone to replace her with either. It sucks. I don't miss her as a T or want her as a T though, I just want to be with her, even though she would deserve better than me.
This is so sad that you've been dealing with this for so long. I may have the wrong person here but did you contact her to make an appointment and she said "no" at one point? Is that correct?
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Unread 05-13-2017, 05:17 PM   #3
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This is so sad that you've been dealing with this for so long. I may have the wrong person here but did you contact her to make an appointment and she said "no" at one point? Is that correct?
I'm just asking because I'm going through the same thing right now. I've been away from him six and a half weeks and want to call him every single day. I don't know if he'd even be willing to see me again or not.

SO overwhelmed with sadness about not being with him.
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Unread 05-13-2017, 09:53 PM   #4
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Yeah that was me. The annoying thing is, she never said no... Just deflected. She refused to reject me but also treated me like I don't exist. She'd say things like "it's not about what I want" or "you're strong, you'll be fine." Good way to passively get me to stop trying cause it felt like **** to suddenly be treated like that by someone who you felt so connected with. But effectively being blanked felt like **** too, and unfortunately that part never went away, only faded a bit from the foreground.

I just wanted her to either negate the things she said, reject me and give me closure, or otherwise, admit she still wanted/needed me and agree to keep in touch. Still wanting me yet pushing me away is so stupid, it's the worst of both worlds. Cause I was ready and willing and wanting to be that to her, willing to change... I cared about her deeply, and also was unable to do anything about it. I spent months and months just uninterested in anything in life and wishing I would drop dead, developed severe OCD, health problems, and sabotaged nearly all my relationships.

If your T acts like more than a T to you, they can't make it go away by being neither anymore. And it's not a condolence to me to think she is suffering too. I really cared about her.

I simultaneously feel like I mean nothing to her even though everything she did and said up until the end had always indicated the complete opposite.

Just wished she would explain herself. Still do, probably always will but I moved on too. I got over wishing she would understand my POV, it all sucks though. I never loved and cared for anyone like I loved her, and I still think that had nothing to do with therapy, even if everyone would tell me differently.

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Unread 05-14-2017, 01:01 AM   #5
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Yeah that was me. The annoying thing is, she never said no... Just deflected. She refused to reject me but also treated me like I don't exist. She'd say things like "it's not about what I want" or "you're strong, you'll be fine." Good way to passively get me to stop trying cause it felt like **** to suddenly be treated like that by someone who you felt so connected with. But effectively being blanked felt like **** too, and unfortunately that part never went away, only faded a bit from the foreground.

I just wanted her to either negate the things she said, reject me and give me closure, or otherwise, admit she still wanted/needed me and agree to keep in touch. Still wanting me yet pushing me away is so stupid, it's the worst of both worlds. Cause I was ready and willing and wanting to be that to her, willing to change... I cared about her deeply, and also was unable to do anything about it. I spent months and months just uninterested in anything in life and wishing I would drop dead, developed severe OCD, health problems, and sabotaged nearly all my relationships.

If your T acts like more than a T to you, they can't make it go away by being neither anymore. And it's not a condolence to me to think she is suffering too. I really cared about her.

I simultaneously feel like I mean nothing to her even though everything she did and said up until the end had always indicated the complete opposite.

Just wished she would explain herself. Still do, probably always will but I moved on too. I got over wishing she would understand my POV, it all sucks though. I never loved and cared for anyone like I loved her, and I still think that had nothing to do with therapy, even if everyone would tell me differently.
This is so much like my story. T kept telling me: "I'm not rejecting you. I've told you that I want you."

It makes it so hard to break away--when they've told you that they want you but then still won't be with you. If she told you you couldn't come back to therapy it sounds like you're just torturing yourself and need to move on because she has her husband and family and you're left pining all alone. Are you thinking that she'll contact you outside of regular channels so the two of you can meet?
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Unread 05-14-2017, 07:15 PM   #6
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I cared about her deeply, and also was unable to do anything about it. I spent months and months just uninterested in anything in life and wishing I would drop dead, developed severe OCD, health problems, and sabotaged nearly all my relationships. .
This sounds like a PTSD sort of pattern. Where I come from such an outcome would be considered malpractice. I am also stuck in an OCD loop and have intrusive thoughts and deteriorating health. I can no longer romanticize the whole thing though. It was mostly a train wreck. I don't think one can just decide to move on from this kind of thing. What do you do, just wake up one day and decide not to have the feelings anymore?
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Unread 05-14-2017, 09:52 PM   #7
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This sounds like a PTSD sort of pattern. Where I come from such an outcome would be considered malpractice. I am also stuck in an OCD loop and have intrusive thoughts and deteriorating health. I can no longer romanticize the whole thing though. It was mostly a train wreck. I don't think one can just decide to move on from this kind of thing. What do you do, just wake up one day and decide not to have the feelings anymore?
BudFox, you're still in this loop after how long? Did you ever report your T?

It seems like there are SO MANY of us this has happened to. So many careless Ts who drive us off emotional cliffs and then walk away. It is so heartbreaking.
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Unread 05-15-2017, 02:07 AM   #8
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This sounds like a PTSD sort of pattern. Where I come from such an outcome would be considered malpractice. I am also stuck in an OCD loop and have intrusive thoughts and deteriorating health. I can no longer romanticize the whole thing though. It was mostly a train wreck. I don't think one can just decide to move on from this kind of thing. What do you do, just wake up one day and decide not to have the feelings anymore?
Yeah I definitely had c-PTSD before I met her and certainly still at least PTSD after. It sucks. I wouldn't say I have as bad of PTSD anymore thankfully, but still to some degree, because I haven't really been able to correct the emotional trauma that that ending was to me.

I don't romanticize the therapy experience at ALL, definitely not, but on the other hand, the relationship with her itself gave so much meaning to my life. I really would have rather had that relationship any other way other than in therapy and I didn't feel like therapy was a protective element added onto the relationship, either. I felt like it mostly just made the difficult parts more difficult since it was ironically such a barrier to communication. I haven't found therapy useful from any other therapists, it's not really a thing that feels helpful for me personally.

I definitely wouldn't know how to wake up and not have the feelings, I still have them, I think all you can do is learn what you can from the experience and then start having new feelings about new things, starting as small as possible, just anything that is in the present rather than back there in the past. It kind of takes forcing yourself to try new things and pay attention to how they make you feel. That's been my experience but it gets easier over time.
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Unread 05-15-2017, 06:38 AM   #9
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This is so much like my story. T kept telling me: "I'm not rejecting you. I've told you that I want you."

It makes it so hard to break away--when they've told you that they want you but then still won't be with you. If she told you you couldn't come back to therapy it sounds like you're just torturing yourself and need to move on because she has her husband and family and you're left pining all alone. Are you thinking that she'll contact you outside of regular channels so the two of you can meet?
Ahh my thoughts are a mess, sorry. I've been trying to figure out what I'm feeling right now without giving myself a headache again.

Yeah... I mean, that's the part that frustrated me I guess. We had this secret relationship. For two years. For the longest time, so secret that we didn't even admit to each other we were having it. So many moments of longing and nearly letting go, then straightening up and acting like nothing happened. Brushing it under the rug. But in the end we finally talked about it, and more or less came clean about everything, having conversations I never thought we'd have, and her low-key treating me in a way I never thought she would allow herself to treat me. Always wanted it, never thought I would get it. She WAS everything I fantasized about. None of it was even fantasy, it was all reality, and it was so cathartic.

It's like the end of the movie, before the couple escapes into the sunset together, it was super dreamy, I felt so in love and so alive... and then I get home and it's like, it's over?

What?

Why did I agree to that? What came over me?

Why did I let this slip away? Now we just move on with our lives like this never happened?


I'm not really jealous of the people in her life because I think what we had was special. I don't think she's like that with other people.

But, maybe a little possessive. Because, I meant so much to her, why am I so invisible? Nobody can see who I was to her. I can't have a life with her. I can't show anyone how much I love her. We can't be like that.

I impacted those 2 years of her life so much. I meant so much to her and she meant so much to me. I am a part of her and she is a part of me. How miserable is it to just bury that inside yourself and keep it separate from your life?

Just bottle it up with no outlet?

It's agony. It shouldn't be so black and white like this. How could she avoid even the smallest form of contact? It makes no sense to me. She contradicted herself SO much. 100% pulling me in and 100% pushing me away. Effectively just ripping me apart.

As cathartic as it was when we finally let it all spill out, and as much as I loved those memories, I don't want to live in the past, replaying that, fantasizing. It's no good if I can't take it with me into the present and into my real life. That's the really maddening part. For her to give me everything I needed to hear from her and then take herself away from me.

Maybe I'm just not strong enough to change it right now. It's just a lot easier to get stronger when love is a foundation rather than a destination.... she was just as broken as me. We couldn't do anything to support each other.

...Man, but then talking about it, it all comes rushing back, too. I really still just want to talk to her again....

I almost did a few weeks ago, and it failed to send. I sort of took that as a sign. The emotions go so deep, I'm reluctant to stir it all up again.

It just shouldn't be like this. There was no animosity between us. Nothing but good will. But, a pretty significant lack of agreement in terms of what can be done about it.


You know? If this is how it is, then what can even be taken out of that situation? It's a thing that can only be seen while looking backwards. It has little to do with my everyday life. It's just half of the picture. It's not possible to escape into it. You have to paint it onto your reality instead, but it's SO TEMPTING to get lost in half of the picture because part of me always thinks, yeah but, why can't we just start over? As friends? Is there honestly any reason why?

Seems like the only reason is that she doesn't think we can. But, that's enough of a reason for it not to work.

It's so hard to shut the door though. I always want to leave it cracked open a little bit.

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Unread 05-15-2017, 01:12 PM   #10
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Ahh my thoughts are a mess, sorry. I've been trying to figure out what I'm feeling right now without giving myself a headache again.

Yeah... I mean, that's the part that frustrated me I guess. We had this secret relationship. For two years. For the longest time, so secret that we didn't even admit to each other we were having it. So many moments of longing and nearly letting go, then straightening up and acting like nothing happened. Brushing it under the rug. But in the end we finally talked about it, and more or less came clean about everything, having conversations I never thought we'd have, and her low-key treating me in a way I never thought she would allow herself to treat me. Always wanted it, never thought I would get it. She WAS everything I fantasized about. None of it was even fantasy, it was all reality, and it was so cathartic.

It's like the end of the movie, before the couple escapes into the sunset together, it was super dreamy, I felt so in love and so alive... and then I get home and it's like, it's over?

What?

Why did I agree to that? What came over me?

Why did I let this slip away? Now we just move on with our lives like this never happened?


I'm not really jealous of the people in her life because I think what we had was special. I don't think she's like that with other people.

But, maybe a little possessive. Because, I meant so much to her, why am I so invisible? Nobody can see who I was to her. I can't have a life with her. I can't show anyone how much I love her. We can't be like that.

I impacted those 2 years of her life so much. I meant so much to her and she meant so much to me. I am a part of her and she is a part of me. How miserable is it to just bury that inside yourself and keep it separate from your life?

Just bottle it up with no outlet?

It's agony. It shouldn't be so black and white like this. How could she avoid even the smallest form of contact? It makes no sense to me. She contradicted herself SO much. 100% pulling me in and 100% pushing me away. Effectively just ripping me apart.

As cathartic as it was when we finally let it all spill out, and as much as I loved those memories, I don't want to live in the past, replaying that, fantasizing. It's no good if I can't take it with me into the present and into my real life. That's the really maddening part. For her to give me everything I needed to hear from her and then take herself away from me.

Maybe I'm just not strong enough to change it right now. It's just a lot easier to get stronger when love is a foundation rather than a destination.... she was just as broken as me. We couldn't do anything to support each other.

...Man, but then talking about it, it all comes rushing back, too. I really still just want to talk to her again....

I almost did a few weeks ago, and it failed to send. I sort of took that as a sign. The emotions go so deep, I'm reluctant to stir it all up again.

It just shouldn't be like this. There was no animosity between us. Nothing but good will. But, a pretty significant lack of agreement in terms of what can be done about it.


You know? If this is how it is, then what can even be taken out of that situation? It's a thing that can only be seen while looking backwards. It has little to do with my everyday life. It's just half of the picture. It's not possible to escape into it. You have to paint it onto your reality instead, but it's SO TEMPTING to get lost in half of the picture because part of me always thinks, yeah but, why can't we just start over? As friends? Is there honestly any reason why?

Seems like the only reason is that she doesn't think we can. But, that's enough of a reason for it not to work.

It's so hard to shut the door though. I always want to leave it cracked open a little bit.
I relate to all of this SO much. How can we just not be in each other's lives any more--ever again? That's it? I never get to see this person who made me feel so alive EVER again?

Have you thought about going to therapy with someone else to deal with this MP? Maybe a male therapist who can help you process it?

I'm only about 7 weeks away from the T I'm still so in love with and I don't think I'd have made it without someone to talk to about it.

Do you have family or friends you're talking to about it. It's such a heavy secret to keep inside.
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