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Unread 06-16-2017, 04:54 PM   #51
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Damn, I fear for you. Nothing else to add.
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Unread 06-16-2017, 06:20 PM   #52
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Therapy is so EMPTY. To sink 4 years of my emotional life into that relationship and to have so little physical evidence that it ever happened is just awful.
Yep. I'd have been better off seeing a prostitute. Therapy in comparison looks dodgy, manipulative, sadistic. A lot of pointless suffering sold as "work".

Is she single?

What do you mean by physical evidence?
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Unread 06-17-2017, 12:50 AM   #53
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Damn, I fear for you. Nothing else to add.


I appreciate the concern.

If I recall correctly you had a relationship with a T in the past?
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Unread 06-17-2017, 09:42 AM   #54
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I appreciate the concern.

If I recall correctly you had a relationship with a T in the past?
Indeed I did, that is why I feel fear for others.
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Unread 06-17-2017, 09:44 PM   #55
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Indeed I did, that is why I feel fear for others.
So, I've read a lot of people's stories that they've shared here, and I can't recall specifically what your story was like. I noticed you said in junkDNA's thread that it went on for 15 years? Were you a client that entire time?

Anyway, I'm wondering, were there details of your story that seemed similar to mine that made you feel fearful for me? Trying to put it in perspective.

When you say you fear for me--honestly, it is really hard for me to entertain the concept of my former T "abusing" me. There is no malice in our relationship, it's completely the opposite, there is a lot of mutual good-will. But there are misunderstandings and yes, the misunderstandings do cause pain. I don't see this as entirely her fault, I think it's a half and half kind of thing. I also don't see her as being personally responsible for my own growth or my own choices, certainly not at this point. I have no intention to enter into therapy with her again.

Either way, I don't know that she'd even be willing to get back in touch anyway. She was pretty distant the last time I tried and there's been time, time in which I sincerely believe that she is suffering as much as I am for this, but as far as I know, she closed the door on me and fully intends to keep it shut anyway. Do I think she would cave in, if I told her to open it up again? Maybe I do think/hope that she would, and maybe I can't help that I want her to. Because I just don't see the benefit of becoming distant. Neither one of us is out to hurt or use the other.

The notion of giving up on this relationship is one I can't really process and I don't feel like I even have a choice to do so, so no contact just feels like posturing. She lives in me, she is in my system, with the same intensity as if I had seen her yesterday. She will always be there to me and be relevant to me, regardless of whether she's talking to me or not. But if she's deliberately avoiding me, yes, it hurts me a great deal... I don't think it's necessary or productive.
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Unread 06-18-2017, 04:49 PM   #56
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You know what, never mind, I made a mistake by even thinking about it and talking about it right now. I'm tired of overthinking. It hurts too much with how things are. I'm not even going to think about it again until I talk to her again, if that ever happens....
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Unread 06-19-2017, 10:26 AM   #57
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Hey, just saw these posts and I would be more than willing to share whatever may help you decide what is best...
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Unread 06-19-2017, 01:06 PM   #58
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Hey, just saw these posts and I would be more than willing to share whatever may help you decide what is best...


Well, I was mostly wondering if there are specific parallels you are seeing that makes our situations seem similar?

The thing is, I haven't had enough evidence that my former T does not fundamentally care about me and want the best for me. The relationship had improved a lot in a healthy direction until an overwhelmingly rocky and unstable period right before and leading up to and then after the end. Most of the pain I've felt has just been due to the lack of feedback after the ending and the state that left me in and I think all the excessive assumptions/doomsday scenarios that were left hanging in the air without being challenged at all

Did you have a long period of time like this where you felt like it's probably over even though you didn't want it to be? Where your T started to feel very far off and the whole experience was like it happened in a dream? And if so, then what happened to reestablish contact and what was that like?
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Unread 06-19-2017, 03:50 PM   #59
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Well, I was mostly wondering if there are specific parallels you are seeing that makes our situations seem similar?

The thing is, I haven't had enough evidence that my former T does not fundamentally care about me and want the best for me. The relationship had improved a lot in a healthy direction until an overwhelmingly rocky and unstable period right before and leading up to and then after the end. Most of the pain I've felt has just been due to the lack of feedback after the ending and the state that left me in and I think all the excessive assumptions/doomsday scenarios that were left hanging in the air without being challenged at all

Did you have a long period of time like this where you felt like it's probably over even though you didn't want it to be? Where your T started to feel very far off and the whole experience was like it happened in a dream? And if so, then what happened to reestablish contact and what was that like?
I continue to believe that he cared about me, loved me even, was occasionally obsessed with me and often so damn afraid that he 100% withdrew. The last 10 years or so I was unable to pay him so I got squeezed in (or not), even just for coffee, or whatever time he had available. I worked very closeby so it was usually very easy. We were very close, we texted all the time about whatever because we had our rhythm and relationship that only we understood. He was everything I wanted and needed, but I, fortunately, heard that voice inside telling me to not go into the physical, there was too much danger that he could destroy me in the process of satisfying his itch. I finally moved away. I am very far from wealthy, but I grabbed the opportunity because I honestly felt that it was the only way. We have occasionally texted in the past year, but no, it was and will always be a devastation, but we are finally done. I waver between anger and compassion, and obviously, the frustration that as a narcissist and a denier I will never have that resolution that I want. You just take care and think carefully. I KNOW how seductive it is....
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Unread 06-19-2017, 06:49 PM   #60
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I continue to believe that he cared about me, loved me even, was occasionally obsessed with me and often so damn afraid that he 100% withdrew. The last 10 years or so I was unable to pay him so I got squeezed in (or not), even just for coffee, or whatever time he had available. I worked very closeby so it was usually very easy. We were very close, we texted all the time about whatever because we had our rhythm and relationship that only we understood. He was everything I wanted and needed, but I, fortunately, heard that voice inside telling me to not go into the physical, there was too much danger that he could destroy me in the process of satisfying his itch. I finally moved away. I am very far from wealthy, but I grabbed the opportunity because I honestly felt that it was the only way. We have occasionally texted in the past year, but no, it was and will always be a devastation, but we are finally done. I waver between anger and compassion, and obviously, the frustration that as a narcissist and a denier I will never have that resolution that I want. You just take care and think carefully. I KNOW how seductive it is....

Thank you for sharing this. I can definitely relate.

Interestingly, I had that voice too. I think it allowed me to escape the slippery slope and it prevented a lot of the emotional damage from turning into something worse, something permanent.

It was seductive when I felt like there was something I could do to get that "resolution" that you mentioned, out of her.

Also when you say he 100% withdrew, I'm curious what brought him back?





But actually, I'm moving to another town soon as well, which was one of the main reasons I wanted to finally resolve this situation now.

Turns out, I was getting so tired of this that I just went ahead and sent her an e-mail earlier, amidst panic attacks, but I made sure to say what I needed to say. I got the empty, avoidant response that I more or less expected. But, because this time I actually used clear language that was impossible to misunderstand, and I was honest, and genuine--for me it was all I needed to know. She is still a wounded person and there was absolutely no healthy way for me to save this relationship.

I think she will regret the way she treated me in the future, because I have finally cleared myself of all of her projections. So now my head is clear, I did absolutely everything I could, and though I'll never stop loving someone I loved once, I feel very free to leave her in the past where she has chosen to remain.

Last few times I contacted her, I was still a bit lost, and it only ever led to more pain.

But this time, so far I actually feel pretty good. I feel lighter and freer than before.
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