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Unread 03-02-2017, 03:36 PM   #1
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Default Trying to get out

Hey everybody. Needed to check in with you again.

Here's my backstory if you don't know it already and are interested: https://forums.psychcentral.com/roma...k-you-all.html

My situation has not improved. I have been sharing my sexual fantasies with my therapist and now I think I'm more hooked than ever. I told my second therapist about the situation and he talked to my first therapist about it and agrees that the situation is not healthy and that T1's behavior is not good. I've written T1 multiple letters now expressing my anger towards him about saying that we could "be together mentally, emotionally and spiritually" and how he read me love poems and held my hands when I told him how my body got set off the first time he brushed my hand.

I continue to share my sexual fantasies about him in sessions. He says that this is appropriate because therapy is a place where people go to talk about their sexual fantasies. I confronted him about how he keeps telling me that he's not really "rejecting" me because he would be together with me sexually if he could, it's just against the boundaries of psychotherapy. I asked him to please just have the decency to not tell me that it's not a rejection. He finally said "OK, I'm rejecting you." It was humiliating, but I continue to go back and tell him more fantasies because it has made me more sexual in the rest of my life and I'm having much better sex with my husband now, but I know that the situation is a mess.

A couple weeks ago I was suicidal over the situation and told him how hard it was that I had no one else to talk about it with except him. He suggested I tell my second therapist and some trusted friends and even my husband. This made me think there really must be nothing he's done wrong or else he wouldn't be encouraging me to tell people. I did tell three friends all of whom say I need to leave immediately and that I am in an addiction cycle with him and that he could lose his license just over what's happened already. I am SO confused. Why would he be telling me to tell people about this if it's something that could lose him his license?

I told him on Tuesday that three friends have now told me they're concerned I'm in an addiction cycle with him. His response was "Are you saying you think all addictions are bad?" And I said "Yes, addictions are not a good thing," to which he responded "You can be addicted to being kind, and that's not bad."

I also asked him once again to please explain to me what he meant when he said that we could be together "mentally, emotionally and spiritually." I asked him what he was thinking and how I can do that with him--like does that mean just thinking about him or trying to connect with him on some higher level spiritually? He just stared at me blankly and finally said "I can't tell you how to live your life."

I know that I have to leave but I'm SO afraid. He's turned on positive sexual feelings in me that I've never had in my whole life and I don't want to lose him, and I'm also terrified by the idea of never seeing him again. I live for the the next session in the hopes of getting some crumb from him, like a couple sessions back when I told him my sexual fantasy and he said that it "of course sounded very appealing." I didn't get a crumb on Tuesday and now I'm dying--flooded with compulsive sexual thoughts about him and having to take care of them on my own by m---ing because my husband is ill and can't have sex right now. It's really hard. I know I need to leave but also can't bring myself to do it because I don't want accept that I'll never see him again.

There were so many times before I told him about my sexual attraction that he was so kind and supportive of me. Even right after I told him things were still OK. But when I started sharing my fantasies and he said that he desired me too, everything started to go down the tubes.

I'm in a really hard place and not sure how I'll let go of him.

Last edited by ramonajones; 03-02-2017 at 04:38 PM.
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Unread 03-02-2017, 03:57 PM   #2
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Default Re: Trying to get out

Oh Ramona

I'm pretty new around here but I've read all of your posts. It's good to see an update from you, but it's really not good to hear that things aren't getting any better. I really feel for you.

I know my input here is a bit of a drop in the ocean - you already know you need to break it off with him, and you say that your therapist and your friends agree. Given that my opinion is probably worth a lot less than theirs, it seems rather pointless to say it, but... You need to get away from him.

I feel so worried for you.
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Unread 03-02-2017, 04:09 PM   #3
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Originally Posted by lucozader View Post
Oh Ramona

I'm pretty new around here but I've read all of your posts. It's good to see an update from you, but it's really not good to hear that things aren't getting any better. I really feel for you.

I know my input here is a bit of a drop in the ocean - you already know you need to break it off with him, and you say that your therapist and your friends agree. Given that my opinion is probably worth a lot less than theirs, it seems rather pointless to say it, but... You need to get away from him.

I feel so worried for you.
Thank you for responding. I think I need to hear "get away from him" a couple thousand times in a row because I'm having such a hard time letting go.

The thing I TRULY don't understand is if it's so clear that he's done something wrong, why has he been encouraging me to tell other people about the situation? That's the part that really doesn't make sense and makes me think that I'm the one that's misinterpreted or mischaracterized the situation.
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Unread 03-02-2017, 04:33 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by ramonajones View Post
The thing I TRULY don't understand is if it's so clear that he's done something wrong, why has he been encouraging me to tell other people about the situation? That's the part that really doesn't make sense and makes me think that I'm the one that's misinterpreted or mischaracterized the situation.
I don't know why he isn't afraid of you telling other people. He really should be - the way he's been behaving is 100% not appropriate and incredibly damaging to you. Therapists are human too - they can be arrogant, or stupid, or deluded. But they have a great responsibility to be self-aware. He obviously isn't.
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Unread 03-02-2017, 05:24 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by ramonajones View Post
Thank you for responding. I think I need to hear "get away from him" a couple thousand times in a row because I'm having such a hard time letting go.
get away from him

get away from him

get away from him

get away from him

get away from him

get away from him

get away from him

get away from him

get away from him

get away from him

get away from him

get away from him

get away from him

get away from him

get away from him

get away from him

get away from him

get away from him

get away from him

get away from him

get away from him

ad infinitum.

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Unread 03-02-2017, 05:31 PM   #6
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Default Re: Trying to get out

Honestly, when I started telling my three friends about it, I presented it to each of them by saying that I'd been rejected by someone I desperately wanted to be with and thought that they were going to offer me support about being rejected. I really didn't think they'd all tell me I was a victim of therapy abuse. I REALLY don't want this to have happened to me. I don't WANT to be a victim of therapy abuse. I don't know how to handle taking on that label in addition to everything else I've been through in my life. I guess that's the real reason I'm so reluctant to admit this happened. He was kind to me and totally appropriate with me for years, even for the first few months after I brought up the transference I felt like things were OK. I don't know how it all fell apart so miserably and I feel desperate to find a way to make it all OK.

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Unread 03-02-2017, 06:00 PM   #7
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Default Re: Trying to get out

Therapy IS a place to talk about your fantasies. But i dont think theyve established that a t is like a bartender who is obligated to cut you off if you overindulge. I think thats on you. They give you the space in which to change.

It sounds like you are starting to think of yourself as a professional victim. First as a victim of your job situation a few years ago, now as a victim of your t. You are burning daylight.

Ya know, the sexual feelings are just natures way of preserving the species. One more try before you hit menopause. A lot of us have gone thru it. Do you really want to live your life ruled by that?
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Unread 03-02-2017, 06:04 PM   #8
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Therapy IS a place to talk about your fantasies. But i dont think theyve established that a t is like a bartender who is obligated to cut you off if you overindulge. I think thats on you. They give you the space in which to change.

It sounds like you are starting to think of yourself as a professional victim. First as a victim of your job situation a few years ago, now as a victim of your t. You are burning daylight.

Ya know, the sexual feelings are just natures way of preserving the species. One more try before you hit menopause. A lot of us have gone thru it. Do you really want to live your life ruled by that?
I don't understand this response at all. I literally just said I don't want to think of myself as a victim.

One more try of what before I hit menopause???
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Unread 03-02-2017, 06:27 PM   #9
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I might interpret it wrong but I believe unaluna is just trying to motivate you to think for yourself, not view yourself as a passive sufferer of others' wrongdoings, and get out of a situation that's no longer serving you constructively. You have been in this same place for quite long now.

Maybe the T is telling you to talk with others because he knows he won't do anything to change the situation. Not sure, but even such a statement sounds like denying his own responsibility in it. And the things he tells you are... disturbing, at least. That suggestion about "addictions" sounds like gaslighting to me. He wants you to be addicted to being kind to him?! What the....?!

Yes, please get away, ramona. Yes sexual feelings can be very pleasant and tempting, but it does not sound like this is a good trigger if you feel enslaved and not liberated.
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Unread 03-02-2017, 06:48 PM   #10
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I might interpret it wrong but I believe unaluna is just trying to motivate you to think for yourself, not view yourself as a passive sufferer of others' wrongdoings, and get out of a situation that's no longer serving you constructively. You have been in this same place for quite long now.

Maybe the T is telling you to talk with others because he knows he won't do anything to change the situation. Not sure, but even such a statement sounds like denying his own responsibility in it. And the things he tells you are... disturbing, at least. That suggestion about "addictions" sounds like gaslighting to me. He wants you to be addicted to being kind to him?! What the....?!

Yes, please get away, ramona. Yes sexual feelings can be very pleasant and tempting, but it does not sound like this is a good trigger if you feel enslaved and not liberated.
The last session was just BIZARRE. The addiction thing was him just trying to say that not all addictions are bad,....like "kindness can be an addiction." It's one of the dumbest things I've ever heard. He's TERRIBLE at his job. And of course he's training director at one of the most revered clinics in the city. It sucks. He sucks. I have a physical, chemical, psychological, and behavioral ADDICTION to him because of the sexual feelings that get set off. It BLOWS. I know I gotta get out and I'm stalling because the addiction part of me keeps telling me there's a way to make it all OK. I don't want to admit that I've let this happen to me so I'm continuing to let it happen to me!
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