Abused by therarapist and dont know how to deal my feelings - Page 3 - Forums at Psych Central


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Old 04-18-2013, 05:52 AM #21
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Default Re: Abused by therarapist and dont know how to deal my feelings

Unfotunately, therapist abuse is rampant, but rarely talked about. THey protect their own, just like MD's. If a client decides to report, it is a long uphill battle. I have read books where the client reports and one woman......it took her 5 years to have the therapist lose his license. It used to be that it was rare for anyone to believe it happened and it isn't much better now.
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Old 05-05-2013, 06:35 AM #22
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Question Re: Abused by therarapist and dont know how to deal my feelings

Quote:
Originally Posted by H3rmit View Post
Your sig says something like "treat others as you would like them to treat you."

How would you like your husband to behave if the shoe were on the other foot?

Why would you hope to trust if you yourself can't be trusted?

Maybe if you work backwards from putting yourself in your husband's position, you'll get further understanding about trust?

It's a painful thing you've gone through. I'm glad there are resources for your issue, but sad that there has to be such a thing.

So what are saying?

That this entire situation was my fault and that I'm not to be trusted ?

Forgive me if I am reading this incorrectly, but that's the impression that i am getting
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Old 05-06-2013, 08:30 PM #23
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Default Re: Abused by therarapist and dont know how to deal my feelings

Lizzie - focus your energies on whose feedback you want to take in. Please. Compassion for yourself is what is needed. As NicoleF stated, therapist abuse is more rampant and a unique type of abuse. Don't take in other abuse right now. Not worth your energy. You validate yourself. Criticism and judgment is not the way out. If anything, use those words to confront your own inner judge.

I was talking to a friend the other day and I was saying that I still held some personal blame for my therapist's exploitation. That I had pushed boundaries, that I was needy, that I ignored red flags. She said something that was so right on - that clients of therapists always push boundaries, always. She's a therapist so she knows. She said hands down, it is always the therapists responsibility to uphold ethics. She also said that I wanted those red flags - its so true. I had normal transference and he egged it on, and I liked it. To the point that he took over my life. It's hard not to feel ashamed about that - I used to consider myself an independent person and thinker. He was good and he got me. Surely a skilled manipulator.

Hang in there.
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Old 05-07-2013, 10:11 AM #24
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Default Re: Abused by therarapist and dont know how to deal my feelings

Thank you Jungatheart and nicoleflynn,
Believe me I really am trying to be kind to compassionate to myself but its so difficult. Its difficult to explain but for 20 years he was the only person that i could turn to whenever i needed to make sense of my of life or ask advice regarding issues in my life. During the majority of those 20 years he really did help me, or at least i thought he helped me. I dont know at what stage he decided that he wanted me in a sexual manner. Regardless of the sexual part of our relationship, he provided me with a sense of feeling safe and secure in the knowledge that no matter what he was always there for me. I now associate my feelings of feeling good about myself with him. I don't have that anymore. As much as i know what he did was wrong I miss him and the feelings of security that he provided me with. Now I'm left feeling totally confused and alone and with two sets of conflicting feelings about him. On the one hand i miss him and am left with a huge void in my life. On the other hand i despise him immensely for doing what he knew was wrong and would impact me in a negative manner.

How do i move forward in my life and forget all about him ?

Will i ever get over this? How long before i start feeling better about myself? I have so many questions but no answers.
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Old 05-08-2013, 06:28 PM #25
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Default Re: Abused by therarapist and dont know how to deal my feelings

Yes, of course there was good. That's why you went, kept going. Is there a point that you remember things changing? It would have been way before it turned sexual. Have you written out a time-line of it all? You may find that helpful.

Those conflicting thoughts and feelings make everything that much more painful. He instigated your dependency and for a reason. That's been a hard fact for me to swallow, that he made me feel like I "needed" him in order to feel good - for his own power, all disguised in the name of care. That's one of the biggest catastrophes of it all and an evil violation. It blows my mind that anyone would do such a thing, but I am beginning to accept this.

20 years is a very long time, and it's going to take some time to heal the many layers that are involved. You will start to feel more confident in your ability to feel good on your own. That is the truth - he was never actually necessary in order for you to feel safe and secure within yourself. That was a lie he fed you, and it ties into wanting a parent figure to take care of us. Who wouldn't want that, especially if you never had it as a kid. That's where/how self compassion comes in.

I can't really speak to your questions, but you can email the TELL volunteers who have a good amount of time out from their abusers. They are from all over the world. Their articles on their website have some good insights. Part of shame is the secrecy, so telling trusted individuals can help you move forward.

All I know to do is to keep putting one foot in front of the other, trying to just let myself feel, trying to gain some understanding, trying to reach out, trying to be more self loving in moments, trying to feel more hope than wounded in moments. Some days are better than others - so also trying to have patience.

Last edited by Jungatheart; 05-08-2013 at 08:14 PM.
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Old 05-08-2013, 10:12 PM #26
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Default Re: Abused by therarapist and dont know how to deal my feelings

I am so sorry. It's a line in the sand they just shouldn't cross but it sometimes scares me how broken and human T's are. I would never excuse what your T did, however. But the remaining attachment must hurt and I am so sorry.

I had a scary moment early in therapy where my T, in an effort to impress me, almost crossed a different line. He wanted to tell me the story of a famous person, possibly a conservative politician from what I gathered, and how this person was fired on day 1 of therapy. I was in the awkward position of having to remind him that even assholes deserve anonymity. He backed off and never told me who it was. That is the only time I had to set the boundary, but it must not be a patient's job to do so.

I don't mean to compare my minor situation to yours, I guess I just want to say I think I understand how this stuff can happen. I love my T and I think if he wanted to be intimate it would be hard for me to refuse, even though part of me might know he is being abusive. I hope you can find an ethical T who specializes in treating those abused by other T's.

It is still a loss and I feel for you. Take care.
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Old 05-09-2013, 09:12 PM #27
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Lightbulb Re: Abused by therarapist and dont know how to deal my feelings

Thank you for all the feedback everyone.
Today I have come to a realisation that nothing in life is mearly black and white, there are shades of grey in every situation in our lives. You just need to be able to dissect the good parts from the bad parts. Hold onto the good parts and throw the bad bits out with the garbage. I could choose to come away from this experience feeling like a victim but i choose not to. We choose to do things in life because at the time its what we need. At that point of my life it was what i needed. I needed to know if i was a normal sexually functioning woman.

My husband and I had not been intimate for so many years due to his medical problem. I had to know for my own peace of mind if i was a "normal" woman. After spending years and years of worrying and douting myself it was a massive relief to discover that yes i am normal!!!!! My husband never told tell me that due to his surgery that he would have problems with maintaining an erection. It was only by chance that i found this was the case. For all those years my husband led me to believe that the sexual disfunction in our relationship was all my fault and that there was something wrong with me! I needed to know the truth! I needed to prove to myself whether my husband was right in blaming me for the lack of sex in our relationship. To my surprise I discovered that i was perfectly normal. OMG what a huge revelation that was to me. I needed to know the truth and it does not matter who provided me with that knowledge. The way I see things is that what would be worse? Having to live the rest of my life thinking and wondering if i was to blame for our sexual problems? Or would i prefer to know that it wasnt me and that I was perfectly normal woman? I know which i prefer even though it means going through some pain and heartache now. I now look at the pain and the confusion as a trade-off for what i ultimately needed to know.

Yes, Im having to deal with the fall-out of the situation but he too has to live with the consequences of his actions. He has been de-registered as ever being able to practice again and is looking at the possibilty of spending time in prison for his actions.

To summarise....at the end of the day we both got what we wanted.
I dont regret what i did for a moment. Im sure that some of you will judge me. Everyone is entitled to there own opinion. However unless you have walked in my shoe you cannot judge me..... In my heart of hearts I now know that what i did was right for me and am now finally at peace with myself and ready to heal and move forward in my life ....
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Old 05-12-2013, 11:12 PM #28
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Default Re: Abused by therarapist and dont know how to deal my feelings

Good for you! It's all a process. More shall be revealed.
I am jealous that you have legal action that will protect you and others.
Glad to hear you've found some peace. If/when you testify, you can always access that place.
Take care.
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Old 05-14-2013, 04:56 AM #29
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Heart Re: Abused by therarapist and dont know how to deal my feelings

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jungatheart View Post
Good for you! It's all a process. More shall be revealed.
I am jealous that you have legal action that will protect you and others.
Glad to hear you've found some peace. If/when you testify, you can always access that place.
Take care.
Have no idea what the future holds in store Jungatheart. All I know is that I had no choice but to do what I did in order to be able to receive therapy for what happened to me. I reported him to the relevant government authorities and submitted a statement stating exactly what happened. As far as im aware I wont need to testify in court. Will have to cross that bridge if and when it happens.

In the meantime I need to regain my life and move forward. Of course I wont ever be able to forget what happened but in time I can look back to that period in my life and no longer feel pain. That is when i will know that I have healed.

He had already been de-registered from practicing even before I reported him. Hopefully my statement will re-inforce the extent of his sexual abuse and prevent anyone else from being subjected to his abuse.

Thank you for listening and allowing me to write down my feelings. It's helped more than you can imagine
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Old 05-14-2013, 07:45 AM #30
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Default Re: Abused by therarapist and dont know how to deal my feelings

Hi Lizzy,

I am so sorry to hear this happened. Although you say that he didn't force you and that you wanted it to happen at the time, he was still in a powerful position and you were the vulnerable one coming to him for help and from that aspect, it is still very much abuse and you have every right to feel as upset as you do.

I am glad that he has been deregistered but that doesn't stop your pain and the pain of unfortunately we don't know how many more. He took advantage of someone in need of closeness.

I think you have been incredibly brave to seek therapy again and I hope that once you can build up some level of trust that they will be able to help you. As with any situation, therapy doesn't make it instantly better, so sometimes there is a low before we come out of it which may explain why you arent feeling better with therapy.

It is going to be hard also as being in therapy may be triggering but I hope you can get the help you need.

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