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Old 06-12-2018, 10:48 PM   #31
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Default Re: My bf is dying and my sis texts she's sorry to hear that. ???

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Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
I completely disagree with article insisting to always call in case of death or illness. its cookie cutter approach. I think everyone grieves different and needs condolences expressed in different ways. I know people who didnít want to talk on the phone while grieving.

When my son in law died I didnít want to be on the phone at all. Email or text suffice. My mother is very ill. I have no desiree to talk about her illness much but I appreciate if people text or email that they care. My good friend just lost her father and the last thing she wanted is people calling. But she glad for texts and emails.

Itís clear, Rose, that you prefer phone calls and in case with sister itís likely
more appropriate. But we canít be sure thatís always the best approach with everyone.

Sorry that you are dealing with all this. Hang in there

I actually don't agree that it would be always wrong to text about illness or death. It would depend on the scenario and the relationship between the people involved. There are times when a text message could be the best way to show support.

I texted via facebook to a cousin to say my boyfriend had taken a bad turn. That cousin texted me back to let her know if there were anything she could do. She is my cousin by marriage. We are not so close that we call each other at the drop of a hat. But our friendship is warm. Her text to me was exactly the nicest thing for her to do. Plus I initiated the texting. I don't want to have phone conversations with every relative about my boyfriend's failing health.

I don't prefer phone calls. I prefer what shows thoughtful consideration. A text can be a thoughtful way of not being intrusive. That's not why my sister texted me.

My sister did not text me because she thought "Rose might not want me calling her up right now." My sister knows I have no family for thousands of miles around and am very alone caring for my Sig. other of many years. My sister has a pattern of avoiding actual live contact with me during difficult times. I read another article that said some people text because they want to protect themselves from having to hear the pain in another's voice, if they called. I think that's more what is going on here.

There are sisters who are best friends . . . and this sister and I are not. I accept that. But we have not been estranged. There is no feud going on. This is not normal, even for us. She hasn't talked with me in months. That isn't normal either. And I don't know what brought this about.

Unfortunately there is one thing I do know. There was a time when she treated me differently - more like a friend and confident. There was a time when she kept tract of what was happening with me and kept me informed of what was happening with her. Last year she sold her house and moved without even telling me or sending me her new address. I used to have a good income. At one time it looked like I was going to have a lucrative career. I have no children. Back then she said that she would look after me if I became incapacitated. I don't mean she would have me move in with her. But she would be my P.O.A. and would see to my burial, if I died before her. She was the sole beneficiary of my life insurance. (And still is.) She said her son would step up if she, herself, were unable. It seems to me that that changed when it became clear that I would not be accumulating any notable wealth for my nephews to inherit. There is more than enough insurance to bury me and pay expenses of whoever does.

She told me one time about some friends of hers who "had nothing to show for their lives." They had a nice home, but no money in the bank. At that time she thought I was headed for real material success in life. She referred to "average people" as being "local yokels." In that category she included people like "school teachers" - people who would probably never have much money. I never took that talk seriously. I never thought she'ld apply that thinking to me. I guess that was pretty stupid on my part. When people tell you who they are - Believe them.

It kind of makes me want to chuckle as I recall stuff like I just mentioned. It's not like there weren't signs that my sister was a person prone to a certain shallowness. What was I thinking? It's not right to be disappointed in people for being who they are. That comes from me wanting people to be who I want them to be, which is wrong on my part. She's got her good points. People are complicated mixtures of their better natures and their baser selves . . . as am I.

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Old 06-12-2018, 11:16 PM   #32
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Default Re: My bf is dying and my sis texts she's sorry to hear that. ???

Rose, you have made a perfectly clear point. She is not going to change. I think you need to be prepared for more callousness in the near future.
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Old 06-13-2018, 12:53 AM   #33
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Rose, you have made a perfectly clear point. She is not going to change. I think you need to be prepared for more callousness in the near future.
That may well be the smartest lesson I can draw from this. Thank you for the clarity of that insight.

I don't want to keep going through this. Whether she's callous, or I'm just too easily aggrieved, kind of doesn't matter. (I think both are true.) It is taking way too much time for me to recover from these incidents. She's just someone I need to be very guarded toward.

Sometimes it's best to give up on having a bond with someone. I won't be losing anything that wasn't already lost long ago. I've been nurturing an illusion based on a delusion. I'm afraid it's not the only one either.

I want to stay in bed and do nothing. I misspent an awful amount of effort.
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Old 06-13-2018, 05:08 AM   #34
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Default Re: My bf is dying and my sis texts she's sorry to hear that. ???

It makes sense Rose.

She does sound shallow. What does she do for a living and what is her level of education that she looks down on teachers? Teachers have graduate degree and in school districts that do financially well make very nice money. Hm interesting.

If she is that kind of person you might have to accept sad reality. K
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Old 06-13-2018, 08:06 AM   #35
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Accepting reality about someone (even family) is not easy. I understand the feelings you are goung through
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Old 06-13-2018, 08:10 AM   #36
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Default Re: My bf is dying and my sis texts she's sorry to hear that. ???

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I've been nurturing an illusion based on a delusion.
Oh... I will borrow this in thinking of some of my own illusions...
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Old 06-13-2018, 08:45 AM   #37
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Default Re: My bf is dying and my sis texts she's sorry to hear that. ???

When she made those pathetic comments she had not even embarked on a career of her own. She was anticipating great things as the wife of a guy she thought was a real player. His ascent up the ladder of success didn't quite pan out. To her credit, she decided to help feather her own nest and got a graduate degree and a professional job. Ironically, what she did and what she earned put her on a footing comparable to being a school teacher in a well-endowed district.

She found it to be an awful grind though. But she stuck with it long enough to somewhat compensate for her husband's "business career" fizzling out. They both became opportunistic pursuers of heritable assets. This would explain her past eager cultivation of my friendship, back when I was awarded a scholarship for graduate study that she thought would lead to my having a career in high finance. She repeatedly mused that she and I might eventually be joint owners of a business venture. When I visited, she had fresh flowers in the guest bedroom to welcome me. What a disappointment I turned out to be. Chronic depressives often don't quite fulfill the promise of their youth. I guess that could explain her utter disgust with my having psychiatric issues. She has to believe I squandered my capabilities, which I did do. The level of her disdain for where I am in life suggests that she previously felt she had some stake in my success. At any rate she sure isn't going to expend much attention on me now. That's the bigger picture that is starting to come into focus for me.

I guess I can just hope that she keeps those "thoughts and prayers" coming.
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Old 06-13-2018, 12:02 PM   #38
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Default Re: My bf is dying and my sis texts she's sorry to hear that. ???

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Accepting reality about someone (even family) is not easy. I understand the feelings you are goung through
Back years ago I called up some telephone astrologer/psychics. I don't believe in any of that stuff. I just needed some feedback and these kind of people can be astute. This was over my same sister being greedy when my parents passed away. A psychic told me her behavior shocked me because I had her on a high pedestal that she fell from. (She participated in our other sister getting disinherited, which I thought was her being a real creep. This was beyond what I ever expected one sibling in our family to do to another.)

That was when I felt I had lost a sister. But I thought all that had gotten smoothed over and that things were back to normal now. She gave the disinherited sister a decent amount of my parents' estate. That seemed to fix things, but what had been done was awfully callous IMO. So she has a demonstrated capacity for callousness. I guess I have to remember that. As Seekerseeking said early in this thread, this may be within the demonstrated "realm" of her behavior.

I seem to have trouble accepting the reality of who and what she may be. Another factor is that she tends to be influenced by a husband who has values very different from mine. She is responsible for her own behavior, but that might explain some inconsistency in her character.
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Old 06-13-2018, 12:54 PM   #39
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I had her on a high pedestal that she fell from
pedestals we create usually have tons of cracks in them we don't see or understand until they disintegrate & the person falls miserably off of them. Remember we are the creater of the pedestal in the first place.....& many times even after it is broken we want to keep recreating it if even less high than before.

Relationships especially family ones that are based on stuff long before we even really remember are not always easy to sort through.
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Old 06-13-2018, 01:05 PM   #40
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Default Re: My bf is dying and my sis texts she's sorry to hear that. ???

Good point about pedestals. Also I find the quotation in your signature relevant. I've always seen her as devoid of real malice. But there does seem to be an empathy deficit.
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