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Old 05-18-2018, 07:14 AM   #1
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Thumbs up What went wrong?? Did I do something?? How to get over it??

I've been talking to this guy for a few weeks, we've been on a few dates and to be totally honest, I didn't really feel anything after the first date - there were a few things that made me realise he wasn't 100% right for me but then he messaged me afterwards reassuring me that he wants to see me again/how much we clicked/how understanding he is of my anxiety.

Well, I thought if he thinks so highly of me and our situation, why not give this a chance?? So I did and up until our last date, he had been talking to me about the possibilities of our future, all the things we should do together and how patient he'll be until I'm ready for sex with him.

SO after our last date, he tells me he really enjoyed seeing me and how much he looked forward to seeing me again. We arranged another date for 2 days later and after not hearing from him all day, I asked if he was still up for it - he cancelled on me because his nan was rushed to hospital and he had to go and see her on the day of our date. That's fine, I understand - but after not being on the dating site whilst we'd been dating, he's coincidentally back on it.

I'm taking it he's lost interest. He must have lied about/exaggerated how fondly he thought of me for it to suddenly all disappear and prepare him to go back on the dating site - presumably looking for new dates - so quickly??

I've decided not to contact him. If he wants to get in touch/reach out, he can. But I just don't understand what could have happened?? Also, how is the dating site of any importance to him whilst his grandma is hospitalised but he's ok to not talk to me (the person he's been dating)?

I just wanna know how he lost that interest, assuming it was really there to begin with. And if so, how has anyone who's been in a similar situation moved on from it??
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Old 05-18-2018, 07:39 AM   #2
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Default Re: What went wrong?? Did I do something?? How to get over it??

Honestly, if a guy is making future plans with you SO soon and only after a few dates, that's a big red flag. And he's saying he's very fond of you after only a few dates? Another red flag. Seems to me like he rushed in.

It was probably nothing YOU specifically did, but all about him and his own readiness -- he could be looking for immediate sex, or something more casual, despite him saying he was willing to wait. He may have realized he was rushing in, then may have decided to shop around. It could have nothing to do with you, so do consider that possibility.

After only a few weeks, you couldn't be that attached to him, right? After only a few dates? Plus, you weren't 100% interested to begin with. You move on by meeting and dating other people.

Unfortunately, online you get all types of men. Some are not honest and some are just looking for casual hookups. I suspect he lied about his nan being in the hospital.

Keep your head up though. There are good guys out there, even online. My sister met her boyfriend of four years on Match.com. He is a great guy.
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Old 05-18-2018, 08:06 AM   #3
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Default Re: What went wrong?? Did I do something?? How to get over it??

Some men are not in tune with their deeper selves. If they get their orgasm, that is basically what matters to them. When he said this: "how patient he'll be until I'm ready for sex with him" -- if you look carefully at that, he is assuming that there will be sex with him.

But do most people have sex with every person they date? Probably not. So is the website you found him on geared towards sex? Or is it genuinely a dating website where people can find nice people to date and maybe have a nice relationship with someone that might lead to a long term relationship?

If the website is thought of as primarily hookups then his expectation, no matter how shallow, is understandable.

If however it is genuinely a platform for people to meet each other for honest relationships--consider you dodged a bullet.
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Old 05-18-2018, 08:36 AM   #4
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Default Re: What went wrong?? Did I do something?? How to get over it??

Quote:
Originally Posted by golden_eve View Post
Honestly, if a guy is making future plans with you SO soon and only after a few dates, that's a big red flag. And he's saying he's very fond of you after only a few dates? Another red flag. Seems to me like he rushed in.

It was probably nothing YOU specifically did, but all about him and his own readiness -- he could be looking for immediate sex, or something more casual, despite him saying he was willing to wait. He may have realized he was rushing in, then may have decided to shop around. It could have nothing to do with you, so do consider that possibility.

After only a few weeks, you couldn't be that attached to him, right? After only a few dates? Plus, you weren't 100% interested to begin with. You move on by meeting and dating other people.

Unfortunately, online you get all types of men. Some are not honest and some are just looking for casual hookups. I suspect he lied about his nan being in the hospital.

Keep your head up though. There are good guys out there, even online. My sister met her boyfriend of four years on Match.com. He is a great guy.
Thank you, golden_eve, that makes me feel a lot better - the rushing and the readiness did come to my mind. His readiness to arrange our first date after only an afternoon of texting also suggests perhaps he was indeed rushing. I suppose being told all those positive things had me thinking maybe I wasn't giving him a chance and could try seeing it the way he did - obviously that totally backfired haha. Oh well! As icecreamkid said, bullet dodged

You're right, there are plenty of genuinely good guys out there. I'm gonna consider a paid membership site, hoping that'll be a little different
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Old 05-18-2018, 08:43 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by IceCreamKid View Post
Some men are not in tune with their deeper selves. If they get their orgasm, that is basically what matters to them. When he said this: "how patient he'll be until I'm ready for sex with him" -- if you look carefully at that, he is assuming that there will be sex with him.

But do most people have sex with every person they date? Probably not. So is the website you found him on geared towards sex? Or is it genuinely a dating website where people can find nice people to date and maybe have a nice relationship with someone that might lead to a long term relationship?

If the website is thought of as primarily hookups then his expectation, no matter how shallow, is understandable.

If however it is genuinely a platform for people to meet each other for honest relationships--consider you dodged a bullet.
It's used for both, but I've certainly learned my lesson. Even if he was looking just for sex/hooking up, his profile specifies he wants something serious which is exactly what he told me. My therapist suggested I try asexual dating to avoid the possibility of running into a man who will take advantage of a date to have sex with them.

Anyway, I'm gonna take a hiatus from dating , lol. Goodness gracious me, it's just too complicated for me at the moment.
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Old 05-18-2018, 09:37 AM   #6
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Default Re: What went wrong?? Did I do something?? How to get over it??

Quote:
Originally Posted by eclairparty98 View Post
I've been talking to this guy for a few weeks, we've been on a few dates and to be totally honest, I didn't really feel anything after the first date - there were a few things that made me realise he wasn't 100% right for me but then he messaged me afterwards reassuring me that he wants to see me again/how much we clicked/how understanding he is of my anxiety.

Well, I thought if he thinks so highly of me and our situation, why not give this a chance?? So I did and up until our last date, he had been talking to me about the possibilities of our future, all the things we should do together and how patient he'll be until I'm ready for sex with him.

SO after our last date, he tells me he really enjoyed seeing me and how much he looked forward to seeing me again. We arranged another date for 2 days later and after not hearing from him all day, I asked if he was still up for it - he cancelled on me because his nan was rushed to hospital and he had to go and see her on the day of our date. That's fine, I understand - but after not being on the dating site whilst we'd been dating, he's coincidentally back on it.

I'm taking it he's lost interest. He must have lied about/exaggerated how fondly he thought of me for it to suddenly all disappear and prepare him to go back on the dating site - presumably looking for new dates - so quickly??

I've decided not to contact him. If he wants to get in touch/reach out, he can. But I just don't understand what could have happened?? Also, how is the dating site of any importance to him whilst his grandma is hospitalised but he's ok to not talk to me (the person he's been dating)?

I just wanna know how he lost that interest, assuming it was really there to begin with. And if so, how has anyone who's been in a similar situation moved on from it??

The first thing, that he had an emergency and then soon after was back on the dating site seems to say that he's likely got no backbone to tell you that he's no longer interested in things. I mean. yeah.


But look at it this way, the guy's talking about a future with you after a few dates.. that alone is a bit scary, kind of alludes to the idea that he's a bit impulsive and gets caught up in the moment. Or is just saying what he thinks you want to hear... either way, it's not a good thing.


I thik you've dodged a bullet here. Good not to contact him now.


Last thought, don't take yourself off dating sites until you're sure there's a thing between you and a current date. It implies exclusivity with them and if you're not sure yet it's best not to portray that in your behavior.
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Old 05-18-2018, 11:21 AM   #7
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Default Re: What went wrong?? Did I do something?? How to get over it??

Bullet dodged I think...I mean here is a guy who after knowing you for what?...a matter of hours in real time, is planning dates days apart, planning a future, assuming you'll have sex with him, creating stories about a sick relative? (Possibly), Ghosting you, then turning back up on a dating site.

It's not you...It's DEFINITELY him!
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