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Old 11-14-2017, 06:08 AM   #21
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Default Re: Emotional blackmail and desperately need help

The solution to his problem lies with his doctors, not with you.

How long are you willing to wait?
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Old 11-14-2017, 09:40 AM   #22
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Default Re: Emotional blackmail and desperately need help

Quote:
Originally Posted by FallDuskTrain View Post
Dear AlisaLight;
Please know that you are not wasting your time here. You have received some very wise advice here, on this thread.
People took time out of their day to provide you efficient feedback. Please appreciate that.
Please allow me to ask how old are you?
Why do you say this is true love? What makes you think that you love him? Why do you love him so much? All I’m reading from your posts are complaints. I am not able to see the positive aspects he brings to your life. Can you please elaborate?
One more item to note: when you say that you “desperately need help” make sure that you are ready to accept help. Help doesn’t always come in the form and shape you want.

Hy
I'm 35yrs old and my lover is few years younger than I am.

I'll tell you everything from beginning on how we met so you might understand better.
We've maybe been together for only 2 yrs but we've known each other for over 6yrs...it'll be 7yrs soon. This is not some love that just happened over night.
We've known each other for long time and over yrs we became very good friends. We didn't got together till now because when we met he was already with someone else. I've always loved his kind nature and personality,he would always treat me and everyone else with love and kindness. We even had so much in common,even back then when we were friends...same goals,same passions. I've finally thought that I've found myself a keen spirit and a good friend. Over several years,my feelings for him grew but he was still together with that woman, so all I could do is wish him all the best in love and life. He never knew that my feelings changed back then because he was with someone else and happy,I had no rights to interfere with that.
He told me he's gonna go far on a trip there to see her again and everything seemed fine.
But a week has passed,and another..and there was no answer from him. I started to get really worried :/ Then I found out that that woman broke his heart and soul & he literally ended up in hospital with a heart seizure. :'(
It broke my heart completely hearing that someone I cared for dearly ended up with similar experience as I did even before I met him. :'(
We continued to be friends and kept being there for each other.
On the year we got together(I was around Xmas), at the beginning of that year I was going through some extremely hard times because I had loss in the family :'(
I was going though hell for months
He was there for me through those awful times and over time,our love grew even more,till one night he told me he loved me. Our love isn't just someone that came over night....we knew each other and cared for each other long before that. I knew that I've found my soulmate because we would fulfill each others hearts and lives. Our connection was so strong,not just emotional but also spiritual.

But then...this happened :'(
Around 2-3 weeks before it happened,I was having constant messed up nightmares that made no sense...my own inner feeling was trying to warn me that something is wrong...I only wish I could've interpreted it on time
While he was in hospital I found out that he also lost last 3 months of his memory...under which there were some vety dear memories we both shared :'(
He never regained them.
When he got out of the hospital, he asked for a break,to get on his feet,to recover properly...and I gave him all that because I know that such things need time
After those 5 months passed,he came back to himself again...it was if the man I knew and loved never left. :"❤

And now due to that stress he's been going through lately,he had switched back.
I'm no doctor nor haven't talked with his psychiatrist but to me it looks like a mix of illnesses...at least from what he told me and from what I've experienced.
It looks to me that every time he deals with extreme stress his personality switches,and in complete personality disorder way as Pegasus mentioned...but this personality is the temporary one because the real him is the one that's always active when everything is normal....I know,it sounds like a complicated mess it's not normal BD, I never said it was.
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Old 11-14-2017, 09:43 AM   #23
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Default Re: Emotional blackmail and desperately need help

While I was writing all this I got a call from his sister that he's not his normal self,that he'll be hospitalized soon so they can help him and I shouldn't worry because he'll be ok. :'"❤❤❤❤
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Old 11-14-2017, 09:47 AM   #24
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Default Re: Emotional blackmail and desperately need help

I'm not sure what normal is when it comes to MH, but just my opinion, if he's losing time with dissociation & switching personalities to me it sounds more like MPD. I know that's not the correct name for it anymore, but maybe something to look into?
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Old 11-14-2017, 10:15 AM   #25
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Default Re: Emotional blackmail and desperately need help

I was trying to get some advice here and help because I knew that his request and actions were erratic and that that wasn't really him talking nor what he was asking ,was what he truly wanted.
He told me that this "other" personality will subdue over time,it'll just take a lot of time and patience. :/
On the night before he switched,he told me that I should never forget he loves me, and never let that other side hurt me or take control over me...by that I mean for his words to make me think that he doesn't love me anymore...to try manipulate my emotions...which is exactly what he tried these few days ago.

I know that at this moment,this relationship isn't the healthiest or the best for me..trust me,i know...but you don't abandon & give up on someone you love so much just cuz things that are happening right now,and what he's going through are hard to take and deal with

I'm sorry you've thought I was attacking you,but I asked for advice when dealing such state of mind and only answers I got was giving up on someone just because he has a rough moment
I wasn't trying to control him,all I wanted was to prevent things to become worse,for his state of mind to become worse and end up in catastrophe. :/

And I'm so sorry if you thought I was condescending,I never meant it in that way
I always feel sad when ppl never find their true love,and as I found out later in your comment, lost them. I thought if maybe you're of those ppl who don't believe in soulmates, that comment made me thought you were such person..I'm deeply sorry that that happened to you..I hope you'll find your true love :" ❤
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Old 11-14-2017, 10:17 AM   #26
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Default Re: Emotional blackmail and desperately need help

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Originally Posted by Patagonia View Post
I'm not sure what normal is when it comes to MH, but just my opinion, if he's losing time with dissociation & switching personalities to me it sounds more like MPD. I know that's not the correct name for it anymore, but maybe something to look into?
I'm sorry,I don't know these shortcuts ^^"
What's MH & MPD?
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Old 11-14-2017, 11:32 AM   #27
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Default Re: Emotional blackmail and desperately need help

MH = Mental Health
MPD = Multiple Personality Disorder

Here's the thing...I don't think anyone thinks you should give up, but what I think would be good is, considering he's only recently been diagnosed is that you two agree to step back from the romance and stress of a relationship, be there as his friend while he goes through the process of finding the right meds, and once he's stabilized you can start the more serious side of the relationship again.

This will give him space to not be so stressed that he is hurting you when he's hypomanic, and also gives you space to be safe while he gets stabilized. It takes a while for people to find the right meds that work for them, and he's been asking you to step back for a while because he doesn't want to hurt you. It doesn't mean things are over, it just gives you two space to breathe while he figures things out. It takes the pressure off so he doesn't feel like he's letting you down all the time by going through this. It also will help you to realize you are NOT responsible for his moods or what he does during those moods.

You seem to feel responsible to take care of him when he's hypomanic and not let him have to suffer the consequences of his own actions when he's that way. Unfortunately, even when we are suffering from and MI (mental illness) we are still responsible for our actions when all is said and done. I've had to apologize multiple times for things I've done while in psychosis. But at the end of the day, I did those things. So I am responsible. I try to learn from it to figure out what to do during those times so I don't hurt others, and your BF has to learn to. Maybe when he's hypomanic he needs to not be around you so he doesn't hurt you?

Just some things to think about.

I fear you are becoming co-dependent with this relationship - you are taking on responsibility for his actions and emotions, dealing with emotional blackmail...all the signs of co-dependency. I think maybe it would be good for you to see a therapist yourself to help you establish boundaries in this relationship so you are taking care of your mental health at the same time.

Again, not saying it can't or won't work, just saying maybe you both need to slow down and allow him time to stabilize before putting the stress of a relationship on you both as well. Think long-term, not short-term. You want to build a good foundation, and he needs to be healthy for you to do that.

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Meds I've tried: Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, Effexor, Remeron, Elavil, Wellbutrin, Risperidone, Abilify, Prazosin, Paxil, Trazadone, Tramadol, Topomax, Xanax, Propranolol, Valium, Visteril, Vraylar, Selinor, Clonopin, Ambien

Treatments I've done: CBT, DBT, Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS), Talk therapy, psychotherapy, exercise, diet, sleeping more, sleeping less...
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Old 11-14-2017, 12:04 PM   #28
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Default Re: Emotional blackmail and desperately need help

How does he know, for sure, that this will subdue over time?
And how do we, any of us know, what another "truly wants" when the only thing that is constant, with all of us, is change.
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Old 11-14-2017, 02:30 PM   #29
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Default Re: Emotional blackmail and desperately need help

Quote:
Originally Posted by seesaw View Post
MH = Mental Health
MPD = Multiple Personality Disorder

Here's the thing...I don't think anyone thinks you should give up, but what I think would be good is, considering he's only recently been diagnosed is that you two agree to step back from the romance and stress of a relationship, be there as his friend while he goes through the process of finding the right meds, and once he's stabilized you can start the more serious side of the relationship again.

This will give him space to not be so stressed that he is hurting you when he's hypomanic, and also gives you space to be safe while he gets stabilized. It takes a while for people to find the right meds that work for them, and he's been asking you to step back for a while because he doesn't want to hurt you. It doesn't mean things are over, it just gives you two space to breathe while he figures things out. It takes the pressure off so he doesn't feel like he's letting you down all the time by going through this. It also will help you to realize you are NOT responsible for his moods or what he does during those moods.

You seem to feel responsible to take care of him when he's hypomanic and not let him have to suffer the consequences of his own actions when he's that way. Unfortunately, even when we are suffering from and MI (mental illness) we are still responsible for our actions when all is said and done. I've had to apologize multiple times for things I've done while in psychosis. But at the end of the day, I did those things. So I am responsible. I try to learn from it to figure out what to do during those times so I don't hurt others, and your BF has to learn to. Maybe when he's hypomanic he needs to not be around you so he doesn't hurt you?

Just some things to think about.

I fear you are becoming co-dependent with this relationship - you are taking on responsibility for his actions and emotions, dealing with emotional blackmail...all the signs of co-dependency. I think maybe it would be good for you to see a therapist yourself to help you establish boundaries in this relationship so you are taking care of your mental health at the same time.

Again, not saying it can't or won't work, just saying maybe you both need to slow down and allow him time to stabilize before putting the stress of a relationship on you both as well. Think long-term, not short-term. You want to build a good foundation, and he needs to be healthy for you to do that.

Seesaw
I agree with you on some things very much because we actually have already been doing that since beginning of the year when it happened.
Like I said,when he came out of hospital,he asked me for a break,to find himself and to get better..he even asked me to tone down emotions because it was overwhelming for him..i did all that and after a while he did got better. He actually went back to him old self after those 5 months..that fight before the switch then was because he was in aggressive state and sadly because no one explained to me or told me what I should actually do, I ended up fighting him..which I know now that i was doing wrong...the emotions I started to show slowly as we both agreed. I really did everything you've mentioned so he could get better...and he really did.
We were going with this relationship with very slow pace...we still barely talk over phone because it can get overwhelming for him sometimes...much less overwhelming now than it did 3 months earlier but still I'm not pushing it tho, even tho I miss talking to him, cuz I know he needs time for this.

This year we haven't seen each other off course, by that I mean I haven't traveled to visit him because it would put too much emotional stress onto him when I would be leaving...he would probably end up in hospital again and that's last thing I'd want to happen to him
When I asked him about if I could see him next yr,he was really ok with it,I asked him if he would feel comfortable and if he would feel ok fro the obvious reasons. He said,no problem.
But I have a feeling that maybe we won't be able to see each other bcuz of what just happen...I won't rush it or force it or anything,we'll both know for sure on how he'll feel and how his state of mind will be next yr around late spring,bcuz the visit should be in summer. I know we can't rush it so if there'll be any doubts,it won't happen.
After he comes back to himself from this current episode & comes out of hospital and if he'll ask for another slowing down,I'll do it off course...just like before. I love him and I want him to be ok and get better.❤

As you said,both me and him need to think the long run.

I know that to some point he's responsible for his behavior,but it's a bit hard to give him full responsibility when he wasn't even conscious. It's like someone turned you off like a toy, put different persona card in your brain and turned you back on :/
But he knows he's responsible for his behavior, being conscious or not. :/ he always feels awful when he realizes what the "other" one said or did..especially to me. He always apologizes so I know what you meant by that. That's why he asked me to behave that way,because the other one only reacts and calms down when you tell him to F off,when you're cold to him as he is to you...his own psychiatrist actually suggested it. He just told me to do this because that side would hurt me a lot in past and he wants to avoid it,he wants to avoid for both of us to feel hurt afterwards. That's why I'm doing it. He's just trying to prevent me from getting hurt in long run.

But this latest switch by hypomania is completely different thing...it was completely erratic. His reason for breakup had no reason or logic. He didn't want it because he didn't want to hurt me or that he needed to slow down..his reason was,and I quote..why bother with it :/ completely irrational and illogical. That's why I knew for sure that it wasn't real him...another reason is because when it's not real him,he doesn't even call me by my name...like I'm a stranger he just met. The only way to end it,and this is from his psychiatrist,I need to put my foot down and stop talking to him...which I did..it's only way for him to calm down..sadly since it's hypomania,it's not ending like normal manic ep :/
So his family stepped in to help him and make him get help..thank heavens.
He will be ok but it'll take a while for him to get better. :"❤
And I'm feeling much calmer now that I know he's in good hands. ❤❤❤
Btw,that hypomania was really caused by that stress training,he just started it and already got 1st hypomania on that same weekend...it was obviously too much for him
Btw,about getting psychiatrist, I was actually thinking about this even before you mentioned it. Because till this yr I've never encountered these illnesses and tbh I don't want to end up again as clueless sheep,panicking,not knowing what to do or what to think.
If nothing else, I could really use some consultation from a professional.
I really hope I'll find a good one. I had previous exp with psychologists(related to my support group back then,I was overweight) and those doctors weren't so good. The guy that was running the group,even tho he was known doctor,was superficial and didn't show that much love toward the patients. So wish me luck on that

Oh and about that personality subsiding,his psychiatrist said that. She said it'll calm itself as that time passes for that you need for bipolar to stabilize itself completely.
Off course nothing goes away completely & for good...I know that. Bipolar is a tough illness that you have for life. But if he won't be dealing with any extreme stress,and will continue with his treatments and all, he'll be ok.

Last edited by AlisaLight; 11-14-2017 at 02:56 PM.. Reason: Wrote something wrong
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Old 11-14-2017, 07:26 PM   #30
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Default Re: Emotional blackmail and desperately need help

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Off course nothing goes away completely & for good...I know that. Bipolar is a tough illness that you have for life. But if he won't be dealing with any extreme stress,and will continue with his treatments and all, he'll be ok.
I am glad you are on the right track. Take care of yourself, take time for yourself, and allow him the space he needs to recover. I think the friendship route is best at this point. It doesn't mean no relationship down the road, but for the quality of life and health for the two of you, being there as a supportive friend in the meantime may lead to a stronger love in the end. I wish you the best of luck.
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