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Unread 08-23-2017, 01:33 PM   #1
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Default Lack of emotion towards others; fear and avoidance of relationships

I just want to write this down somewhere. My mother has been ill for 5 years and now is refusing treatment. I know she will die soon if she doesn't get her treatment. The thing is, I don't care. I know if it falls to me to bring her to the doctor, I would not do it. I would get someone else to do it. A lot of people feel guilty about putting their parents in nursing homes, but honestly, I would not feel any guilt at all. I would feel relief. I guess this is more motivation for me to get a high paying job so I can get rid of this responsibility.

Anyway, I find that I don't care at all about my mother. I know I should feel something, but I don't. It takes a great effort for me to even muster up the energy to think about her. I am usually good at imagining someone else's point of view (at least I think I am), but here I have to gather up so much energy to even consider her. We have had a fraught relationship but shouldn't I feel something? I have imagined her death many times and can see myself simply going on as usual. I don't think I would need to grieve.

I wonder if this is how I was raised. I'm not sure I would be any different towards any of my potential children.

Recently I have been in touch with people I might have a fun time with (yes, I'm back on those horrible dating sites). But I have not taken them up on their offers and haven't really wanted to negotiate an understanding for how we spend time together. I honestly feel that I could handle a casual acquaintanceship where we kind of hang out and get along. They're not asking for sex because I listed myself as asexual. They have been respectful and pretty cool about things. But, still, I feel that this is a burden I don't need. I just don't think of people. It's tiresome.

I also think there is something deep down in me that doesn't feel trusting or comfortable/compatible around these people, even if I know they'd let me leave any time I wanted and things such as our kinks, my mental issues and non-whiteness are already out in the open (kink dating website). And honestly, if I'm just going for a casual acquaintanceship, then we don't have to be so compatible.

(On some level, vanilla or not, I am afraid of being pulled into a huge mess where someone dies and I have to hide the body, or something dramatic like that.)

So I'm wondering if this is related to my mother. Perhaps the mother thing isn't the cause, but maybe it's kind of the same thing as the relationship thing. Maybe there is some kind of deep-seated wrongness or unsafeness about all of this, and I'm searching for something secure and right. But at the same time, why can't I just let go and have meaningless fun with some other people? If I don't care so much, I should be able to go out with these people. I seem uncaring but also too serious.


I don't know. I've been posting here for several months now and feel that I haven't focused very hard on improving my relationships department (because I'm cold and don't care about it--should I care more?) so I have no right to post here. Anyway.

Last edited by emptynightmare; 08-23-2017 at 05:02 PM.
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Unread 08-23-2017, 01:57 PM   #2
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Default Re: Lack of emotion towards others; fear and avoidance of relationships

Maybe you are in some kind of denial about your mom? I m not a doctor or therapist so don't take me too seriously just saying. I feel aften that i reaally don't care when people die, as I've learned as an Irish Catholic to throw a party after someone dies. That is what I want people to do when I die. My sister died in 1987, i was devastated, but now i rarely think about her as i think it would freak me out I think it is a defense mechanism. i really don't think a person does not have to feel guilty for putting a parent in a nursing home where they will be taken care of continually. I would want to be in one too, so as not to be a burden to others too. good luck
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Unread 08-23-2017, 02:24 PM   #3
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Default Re: Lack of emotion towards others; fear and avoidance of relationships

edited to delete what was written here previously. there's nothing wrong with me. I need to get out more. I don't have relationships because they are inactive. For example, I don't want to change anything about my relationship with my mother because this indifference is working; we don't fight as much. I do not think it is the right time to criticize my callousness towards my mother or wonder why I don't have any relationships. I probably said goodbye to her/dismissed her a long time ago.

Perhaps I do avoid people and maybe that is also the reason why I have never met anyone I want to have a relationship with. But I am focused on school and my career, and having a relationship would cause me a lot of distress because it would make me think about my childhood, and I also like to be free.

I don't think there's anything wrong with saying that a relationship is too much for me to handle and I can't have one. I should just try to be less wary of people, maybe. Maybe I will talk to those people again. They seemed fine, normal, meh.

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Unread 08-23-2017, 08:55 PM   #4
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Default Re: Lack of emotion towards others; fear and avoidance of relationships

There's a reason you feel that way about your mom. Feelings are valid. You shouldn't feel guilty or distressed or like you are different. As long as you treat her with courtesy and respect, you're good. You can't force feelings. Have you ever thought about discussing some of this with a therapist?
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Unread 08-23-2017, 09:15 PM   #5
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Default Re: Lack of emotion towards others; fear and avoidance of relationships

Quote:
I have imagined her death many times and can see myself simply going on as usual. I don't think I would need to grieve.
My mother was an alcoholic who had, as I believe, narcissistic personality disorder. I had a lot of problems with her. I did not grieve when she died (many years ago).

In recent years, as I came to understand more about where disorders come from, I began to have some compassion for her, and I still do. Even so, the reality is that I have never missed her and I would not want her back in my life. It pains me to say that, but it is the truth.

I wish that I had had a more loving, less disordered mother. At times, I still mourn that which never was.
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Unread 08-24-2017, 04:59 PM   #6
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Default Re: Lack of emotion towards others; fear and avoidance of relationships

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967 View Post
There's a reason you feel that way about your mom. Feelings are valid. You shouldn't feel guilty or distressed or like you are different. As long as you treat her with courtesy and respect, you're good. You can't force feelings. Have you ever thought about discussing some of this with a therapist?
Thanks for your reply. I will try to speak with a therapist, since I will need help dealing with my thesis advisor *facepalm* but... I don't know where to start. I seem to have so many problems, but I'm also fine. I have no problems. I know I need to do the therapy work myself and they aren't there to help me, just to stare at me haha. How do I know where to start?

I found out that my previous therapist had been talking about me in the counseling center at school. Another therapist said she had a profound connection to me... whatever that means. Kind of like my thesis advisor saying to someone else I'm the darkest person he's ever met. I don't know whether I should be flattered or offended.

I'm not too worried about my attitude toward my mother. I think like Bill said, I have mourned what never was, enough to have already grieved her. The physical body of my mother is still living, but she is nothing to me. She has not really impacted me for a long time, and when she did, it was really stressful.



As for not having relationships, honestly, I'm struggling to see why I would even want one. There are upsides such as: I would have someone to give me cuddles, and theoretically I would not be alone, and have more of a safety net financially (but I will try never to rely on another person. That makes me want to hurl.)

But the downsides by far outweigh the upsides: they are a lot of work just for a cuddle, and yes, you are still alone, and you have extra fights and misunderstandings and a lot of stress. There is no freedom, psychologically, physically, career wise. All I want is a cuddle (seriously, that's it) but when do the arms around you become prison bars? I don't want to have to manage another person. I find it hard to believe that I would ever like someone enough to go to all that effort.
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