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Unread 08-10-2017, 12:35 PM   #1
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Default Two Years Stuck

I'm wondering if you could give me some neutral advice.. I know that it's not neccessarily good to talk to friends who know the situation well because they're usually biased. I'm hoping I can lay it all out for you wonderful people and you can tell me what you think.

I have had a pretty hard life. I was sexually molested by my brother from the age of 7 on, my principal and the person that sold me my first car.. So my view of men is pretty screwed up. I didn't have a relationship with my adoptive parents, and I don't know my biological mother very well, so my view of families and what it means is also pretty messed up. I wnt through a long period of being unfaithful to partners and not really being accountable for my actions.
As I grew older, I found that living a life of integrity and being a good person and doing my best for others was a better way of life. More than I should, I am helping others to a fault of my own life and really trying to make sure others are taken care of before my own needs.
This brings me to my problem.. Two years ago, I was a manager at a bar. I had a patron come in, who I was attracted to immediately.. I'm not sure if it was an attraction to him as a person, I more wonder if it's because I picked up on how lost he was... That's typically how I am attracted to people.. Again, my past has changed the way I see relationships. Anyways, we started hanging out and he and I got really close, really fast. We are really good together, work well together as a team, we love our kids and can really do good when things are good.

The problem is this...

He is a chronic liar. Books I've read (I feel like an expert now lol) tell me that if he can't stop lying I would be happier without him. He hides things from me. When I confron him about why he has lied about something, or why he hid something, his response is always the same. He didn't want to disappoint me. And I believe him. He's a good person, but he had been in a very damaging relationship for 15 years. She was verbally and physically abusive to him which dreastically changed his demeanor as well. This man is also terrible... and I mean TERRIBLE with finances. He has lost two homes now due to failure to pay. When he gets money, he will spend it on anything but bills to make himself feel better, I think to fill a void.
This man has put me through HELL. He lied about his age (He's 18 years older than me). Not a huge deal. I was annoyed, but I let it go. He lied about court with his ex wife. He said that he had asked for every other weekend with his kids, but he actually hadn't changed anything at all. He lied about losing his job that he was fired from. He lied when he lost his truck, saying they made a mistake and he would be getting it back. He has lied about every single major event, and hid big things from me, causing me to find out by his ex wife or his kids. About three months ago, we had a huge blow out (used to happen once a month or so, not so much anymore). I told him I couldn't be with someone who kept me in the dark, used his kids to hurt me (I'm still not 100% sure on this one, I'm super insecure when it comes to him spending time with his kids which I know is messed up but again, my views on family are really messed up).. I told him I wanted to be in his life but that we needed to take some time to figure out what we were going to do. When he feels as though I am drifting, he starts to take longer to answer my texts, won't answer the phone, tells me he's busy and can't see me.. That sort of thing.. And when that happens, it sends my mental state into a spiral and makes me crazy to the point that I justify everything he did wrong and tell myself I could have done this and this better, and that I need to be more patient and kind and help him more.

He lost his house July 30th. I went to talk to his mom about everything (I may have crossd the line here a little, I know) and told her that she can't keep giving him money. She can't keep enabling his financial issues because he's never going to learn if she constantly pulls him out of trouble. Thankfully, because I know I shouldn't have said it, she agreed with me and told me she wasn't going to do it anymore, that she was really done doin tiand he needed to do things on his own. We talked about the fact that he was going to lose his house soon, and she said that from August 1-21 she couldn't really have him stay with her because she has a one bedroom apartment and there are already 4 other people staying in the apartment. She asked if he could stay with me until the end of August. I didn't mind, because like I said, I really do enjoy spending time with him. We are ten days in, and now the irritation is starting again. It always does when we are together this long. I can't breathe without him knowing. Not in a controlling way, more because he's so insecure that he needs and wants to be in my space ALL the time. We also work at the same place two days a week, so I don't really have any space there either.

My problem is... I don't know what the hell to do. He has given me his bank cards and everything like that so he can have help? Even though I know there are other ways he can get money out. He needs to give his moms van back to her soon, so what is he doing to do then? When we fight and he's gone, I want him around. When we're together, I want to be alone. I just got out of a marriage and I had planned on being alone for a little bit to gather myself and figure out who I am, but that never happend. I am so effing confused and lost. This feels like the worst thing I've ever had to deal with. I love his kids, my kids love him. I don't want him out of my life.. But I want to be taken care of like I take care of him. He doesn't have the capacity of doing this financially. He is very good at taking care of my mental state, unless we fight... And then I feel like he's the most damaging of all.

Before I make it sound like he's super horrible, I will put this in here.. He is a very good person. I do genuinely believe as though he is trying.. He went to a psychologist and they said he is deeply depressed and needs help. It was a huge step for him to go and talk to someone. It seems as though he's genuinely trying. And he gave me the passwords to all his stuff so that if I want to I can check it.. The thing is, I shouldn't have to. The fact that there's no trust is super frustrating. And in this huge long two year thing of trying to help him get help, I have completely lost myself more than before, damaged my self esteem lower than every and have no idea what the hell I'm doing with myself.

The day he went to the psychologist, I was in an amazing mood driving home. I was so thankful that I was able to get him help, I felt as though as long as he continues to seek the things he needs I can do this.. And today I feel like I just want to be alone.

I was diagnosed with Disassociative Identity Disorder, Chronic Depression, PTSD and Anxiety so I'm sure those things are playing a HUGE factor in my inability to make up my mind, and a hge factor in why I push him away and then reel him back, but how do I find clarity? I literally don't know what to do. I am doing EMDR therapy, I read self help books ALL the time. All the signs point to me needing to leave this... whatever this is... And yet I convince myself that he needs me and he can do it and we can be together..

I'm sorry this is so long. I really need some neutral advice
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Unread 08-11-2017, 09:32 AM   #2
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Default Re: Two Years Stuck

Anyone? ��
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Unread 08-11-2017, 01:09 PM   #3
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Default Re: Two Years Stuck

If you take his needs off the table, what are you left with?
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Unread 08-11-2017, 01:50 PM   #4
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Default Re: Two Years Stuck

You sound like his carer, and in doing that does it give you an identity.?

Take him out of the picture and who are you.?

Do you really want him capable of taking care of himself?
Because often ways the only way to do that is to let them hit rock bottom.

In all honesty it sounds like neither of you should be involved in a relationship just now.

Have you considered that your drowning yourself in his issues to avoid dealing with your own? (I am sure you have.)

Look you can't change him, so here's the question, can you be with him if he never changes, if THIS is as good as it gets?

The only thing you can change is how you 'choose' to interact with him.

He may well not be bad, but he is careless, thoughtless and ignorant and at a certain age in life that is just as bad,because it means your not making the effort to learn from your mistakes. And to hell with how it effects those around you.

This guy has very profound deep rooted issues. He needs professional help. And whilst this may not be a very pleasant thought have you considered that the situation between you is probably impacting pretty negatively on him too.

I hope your able to gain some perspective and make the right choice for torrential and emotional well being.
Take care.
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Unread 08-12-2017, 06:42 AM   #5
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Default Re: Two Years Stuck

How often do you two fight now?
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