Psych Central

Go Back   Forums at Psych Central > General > Relationships & Communication



advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
Unread 08-10-2017, 10:27 AM   #1
Elder
 
justafriend306's Avatar
justafriend306 a mother, girlfriend, friend
 
Member Since: Sep 2015
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,405 (SuperPoster!)
2 yr Member
477 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default boyfriend now in position of having to choose me over family

I had an outburst the other night and called out my boyfriend's family members. I have no regrets - it was the right thing to do. There will be ramifications however of which I feel rather awkward. My boyfriend stood up for me (how wonderful) and the result may be hostility between him and his family.

The story is they are heavy drinkers. One brother is awful. Amongst all the negatives I could use to describe him he is first and foremost a cruel bully - and the rest of the family seems to feed off of his actions mostly finding humour in them which only eggs him on further.

The target of his relentless torture was a young man (25+) who has some obvious problems. Perhaps he is Aspergers or mildly autistic; regardless, he stands out as being different. And it was these differences upon which my boyfriend's brother pounced and launched a relentless attack. For 20 minutes this poor boy was tortured by the bullying and jeers of the some 15 people around the camp fire.

I couldn't stand it any more so took action. I jumped up and told them all off. Their behaviour was inexcusable. I may have even used the word disgusting, etc, etc.

I stormed off to our own campsite. As I left I heard my boyfriend having his own words with his siblings and family. By the tone of it he seemed to be backing me up.

The rest of the night and following day were as you can imagine tense and awkward.

I expect I am now persona non grata. What does the future hold for the relationships between my boyfriend and his family? I have put him in a very difficult position indeed.

Still I have no regrets. In fact I am proud of myself for having had the courage to have spoken up.

Have you had to stand up against friends/family to do what's right? Has your significant other been placed in a position on your account of having to choose between you and family? Is there awkwardness between you and them?
justafriend306 is offline   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:

advertisement
Unread 08-10-2017, 12:05 PM   #2
Wise Elder
 
Jennifer 1967's Avatar
Jennifer 1967 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jan 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 7,550 (SuperPoster!)
My Mood:

2 yr Member
15.3k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: boyfriend now in position of having to choose me over family

Good for you for standing up to that bully. My former husband of 20 years had to stand up to my sister-in-law because she was horrid to me. After several years we came to an understanding but it was awkward for a while.
Jennifer 1967 is online now   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Unread 08-10-2017, 01:03 PM   #3
New Member
MrUnHappy has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jul 2017
Location: AZ
Posts: 6
My Mood:

Default Re: boyfriend now in position of having to choose me over family

Good for you! You did the right thing and should not feel any regrets in the least for doing so.
MrUnHappy is offline   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Unread 08-10-2017, 03:25 PM   #4
Grand Magnate
 
prefabsprout's Avatar
prefabsprout is feeling better these days
 
Member Since: Feb 2015
Location: the universe
Posts: 3,658 (SuperPoster!)
My Mood:

2 yr Member
3,407 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: boyfriend now in position of having to choose me over family

Sounds an extremely awkward and awful situation, and this family sound difficult, good for him defending you.
prefabsprout is offline   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Unread 08-10-2017, 03:46 PM   #5
Wise Elder
 
divine1966's Avatar
divine1966 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 9,634 (SuperPoster!)
My Mood:

2 yr Member
112 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: boyfriend now in position of having to choose me over family

Good for you speaking up. It's unacceptable what they did. Have you talked to your boyfriend about it? How does he feel?
divine1966 is online now   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Unread 08-11-2017, 11:54 AM   #6
Elder
 
justafriend306's Avatar
justafriend306 a mother, girlfriend, friend
 
Member Since: Sep 2015
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,405 (SuperPoster!)
2 yr Member
477 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: boyfriend now in position of having to choose me over family

Quote:
Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
Good for you speaking up. It's unacceptable what they did. Have you talked to your boyfriend about it? How does he feel?
There is a family event coming up. No doubt, this is going to be difficult for him but he is determined to go.
justafriend306 is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 08-11-2017, 12:02 PM   #7
Grand Magnate
 
MickeyCheeky's Avatar
MickeyCheeky My echo is the only voice coming back
 
Member Since: Jun 2016
Location: Italy
Posts: 3,814 (SuperPoster!)
My Mood:

4,566 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: boyfriend now in position of having to choose me over family

I'm glad you decided to speak up although I understand things may be pretty awkward right now.
MickeyCheeky is online now   Reply With Quote
Unread 08-11-2017, 02:04 PM   #8
Poohbah
 
connect.the.stars's Avatar
connect.the.stars Never give up, keep moving forward.
 
Member Since: Nov 2014
Location: California
Posts: 1,177
My Mood:

2 yr Member
790 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: boyfriend now in position of having to choose me over family

Quote:
Originally Posted by justafriend306 View Post
Have you had to stand up against friends/family to do what's right? Has your significant other been placed in a position on your account of having to choose between you and family? Is there awkwardness between you and them?
Yes, I've had to choose between my SO and family. It's not easy and I ended up hurting both sides in the process because I chose my SO over my parents, but didn't blatantly lay it out for my parents to understand. I unintentionally made my SO feel like he wasn't worth fighting for when I couldn't overcome my fear of fighting my parents. This is tricky because I'm someone who prefers avoiding conflict.

So be sure to ask yourself:
1) Do you place more value in the end result?
...OR...
2) Do you place more value in how the conflict is resolved?

Then be sure to communicate your preference to him so that he has a better idea of how to approach the situation in a way that he can manage while also meeting your needs.

In any case, I'm glad your SO stuck up for you initially. It sounds like you're worried if he will continuing to stick up for you or not. If you think things are getting worse or feel like tensions are rising between you two, I think it's also good to consider the following:

Which is more important to you?
1) Your relationship with your SO's family
...OR...
2) Your relationship with your SO

Which is more important to your SO?
1) His relationship with his family
...OR...
2) His relationship with you

You can ask yourself, or ask him directly. Maybe even have a chat with him about it. There's no right or wrong answer to these questions. But just note that if the answers you both give don't line up...that's most likely an indication of where the problems are stemming from. Understanding where each side is coming from, hearing what he worries about versus what you worry about can help tremendously with the awkwardness.

Unfortunately until you can clear the air between you two or between his relatives, there will be a LOT of awkwardness... I hope my suggestions help and I hope you can get through this.
__________________


There is always a sky full of stardust
connect.the.stars is offline   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Unread 08-11-2017, 02:28 PM   #9
Grand Member
 
Erebos's Avatar
Erebos has no updates.
 
Member Since: Nov 2016
Location: U.K.
Posts: 862 (SuperPoster!)
My Mood:

49 hugs
given
Default Re: boyfriend now in position of having to choose me over family

What happens next depends.
In our family things often blew up, but as drink was involved it was often brushed off as the drink talking.

Good for you by the way, for sticking up for someone who needed your help.

It's possible they will be the type of family to decide your just hysterical and hypersensitive.
Which in some ways is worse than them taking you seriously.

Or they might say your barred from family stuff. Whilst they work on creating a rift between you and your bf.

Thing is these things rarely get better and often become worse once children are involved.
Like you not wanting to leave your kids with drinkers, and the grandma wanting access to her kids.

Stuff like this is horrible to deal with, and you may want to consider just how much involvement you really want with these people.

Does your bf recognise the problems, or does he kind of let them slide cos there family,?
__________________
I Don't Care What You Think Of Me...I Don't Think Of You At All.
CoCo Chanel.
Erebos is online now   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Unread 08-11-2017, 08:33 PM   #10
Elder
 
ElsaMars's Avatar
ElsaMars Is going, going, gone.
 
Member Since: Jan 2015
Location: Freak Show
Posts: 6,490 (SuperPoster!)
My Mood:

2 yr Member
10.8k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: boyfriend now in position of having to choose me over family

I'm glad you stood up and glad you don't feel bad about it. Doing the right thing can be hard but it's still important to do it. My husband and youngest son have aspergers and I'd hope someone like you were around if they were being attacked. How disgusting indeed. Yes, I've stood up for people many times and gotten flack for it. In my interpersonal relationships (friends and family) sometimes the people saw the error of their ways and grew from it, sometimes they doubled down on dumb. Relationships have ended and it's all been for the best. If they are good people they will see you were right and forgive. Even if they don't see you are right, they will forgive and forget if they are at all decent people. If not, your boyfriend and you are better off without such ugly people in your life and your boyfriend would be better served by sticking with winners like you than losers like them. On behalf of humanity I solute you for doing the right thing!
__________________
if this world makes you crazy and you've taken all you can bear, you can call me up, cause you know I'll be there -Cyndi Lauper True Colors

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=HFiz-j66X74

In a world FULL OF PEOPLE *scream*

Such a charming man with the voice of an angel

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=iHywjTem4IY
ElsaMars is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 12:34 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2017, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.

advertisement

 

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice,
diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.
Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.

 

HomeAbout UsContact UsPrivacy PolicyTerms of UseDisclaimer
Forums HomeCommunity GuidelinesHelp

Helplines and Lifelines