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-   -   So I snooped and maybe she's lying about what I found (https://forums.psychcentral.com/relationships-communication/488156-so-i-snooped-maybe-shes-lying-about-what-i-found.html)

loyddssss 08-08-2017 02:29 PM

So I snooped and maybe she's lying about what I found
 
My girlfriend lied to me a few weeks back maintaining no-contact with her abusive narcissistic ex, during a moment of loneliness. We sort of got through that but things still didn't seem right with her so I did a little snooping and stumbled upon a handwritten document from two years ago about her soliciting a penis pic from a stranger on a dating site. Okay, there's that in the past. But in the present, she wrote me a long explanatory text that just does not jibe with what she wrote in the past. Below is the back and forth. I'm less concerned about the dic pick (although it never occurred to me that she would do such a thing) as I am with the possibility that she is lying to me in here and now.

And can we please keep the morality of snooping to a minimum? I had suspicions about something else and found this instead My bad. But there it was.

She was on a train texting with a dating-site stranger who said he had a 10" penis and writing notes about what was going on. She's 30 years older than he is. Here is what she wrote on her pad:

"So now the 29 year old wants me to send him some naughty photos. 'No, you idiot, I'm on the freaking train.' So I asked him for one. He said he needed something to make his package reveal itself to its full 10” height. What the hell am I doing? He's totally preoccupied with the size of my breasts and he's not shy about letting me know. There's something a little hinky about this whole thing. I'll have to ask him a lot more questions. At least he's responsive, if sex directed.

"Okay, so he just sent me a text which I opened in public, on the train, of his enormous schwanz. Now I don't know what to do. I want to look again, but a boy is looking over my shoulder. Holy cow. My lips are burning.”

A few days later, she wrote: "So Mr Dic Pic dropped off the face of the planet after I sent him a photo of me in my bathing suit. Nothing too revealing but certainly boobiful. Probably boinking another conquest. So very strange.,,..."

So, after seeing this, I said to her, "Really? You did this?"

She said she'd write me a text about what *really* happened. Here's what she wrote:

"That person wanted a photo from me (not what you think) and naive me, I thought by asking him for a photo first I was somehow safeguarding I don't know what. I was new to the whole online dating thing, and I got scared and deactivated my account shortly thereafter. I asked for a picture because he asked me for a photo and I didn’t believe he was going to send one…I thought it was some kind of game. Yes, I was naďve, I was an idiot. I didn’t even know it was called a **** pic. Again, I thought it was a game, and I was really wrong about that. I wish it had never happened, but it did. I made a mistake. I didn’t know what I was doing. Perhaps I was in a fugue state of my own…how am I supposed to know? What I can tell you is that it never happened again. And then he started stalking me." Regarding her getting turned on by the photo: "As I told you I described a physiological response. I’d never seen anything like it.”

Leaving aside the matter of asking for the dic pic itself, what bothers me most is her response to me. It strikes me as a pack of fabrications.

First of all, she's a woman in her 50s who has seen a lot in her life. Naive 22-year-old she is not.

Also, the writing on the train reveals a women who may be confused by what she's doing but definitely knows *exactly* what she is up to when she solicits that dic pic and her response to it seals the deal. There is nothing in there that paints her as a naive or an innocent bumpkin or someone who thought she was engaged in a game.

And then, after receiving that pic, she waited a few days, then sent him one of her own, not naked, but clearly designed to keep him interested. So she had time to think about the 10" penis and then decided to respond, to continue the exchange -- not exactly the response of a naive and or/horrified person. I guess he dropped off the scene at that time but he came back a while later and who knows what happened then. At some point, however, he became a stalker.

As to the “fugue” state possibility, that just strikes me as bizarre.

When we first started going out, she mentioned she had a stalker and led me to believe it was her rotten X from right before me. Turns out it was this 29 year old, still after her two years after the train ride.

Anyway, if you read the train-ride writing, then her own explanation to me, do you buy her explanation or not? I'm in love with this woman-- Oh, lord -- and I've spent a good amount of time looking for any excuse I can to believe her explanation to me, but I can't. I just don't buy it. But maybe I'm in the wrong here just as I'm in the wrong for snooping (although I do feel my reason with justified).

Hopingtrying 08-08-2017 03:27 PM

Re: So I snooped and maybe she's lying about what I found
 
"But in the present, she wrote me a long explanatory text that just does not jibe with what she wrote in the past."

Why did she do this? Is she going into this much depth because you demanded it? A Youtube video I saw said liars tend to explain things away with more details but perhaps you are intensively interrogating her--that might cause that reaction too. Her explanation seems weird but perhaps she is trying to tell you what she thinks would satisfy you? It is such a bad lie that I can't tell if she is hiding something important. Either she is true to you now or not. That is the only question you need to figure out. To bad you looked. Not being judgemental but sometimes it's best not to know/share nor was it wise for her to go in depth in her explanation....

Jennifer 1967 08-08-2017 05:11 PM

Re: So I snooped and maybe she's lying about what I found
 
Hello. Welcome to PC. :love: I think you are right. Something is hinky about this whole situation. Good luck sorting it out. IMHO, she's being less then truthful with you. I don't know what to tell you about proceeding though. Best wishes. :hug:

loyddssss 08-08-2017 07:06 PM

Re: So I snooped and maybe she's lying about what I found
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Hopingtrying (Post 5769876)
"But in the present, she wrote me a long explanatory text that just does not jibe with what she wrote in the past."

Why did she do this? Is she going into this much depth because you demanded it? A Youtube video I saw said liars tend to explain things away with more details but perhaps you are intensively interrogating her--that might cause that reaction too.

// i sent her an exmail explaining how i read her on-train writing and that i needed to think about it, because I didn't know what to think of it. there were complications involved but that the gist of it. so, i asked her questions, which may have felt she was being interrogated

Her explanation seems weird but perhaps she is trying to tell you what she thinks would satisfy you?

// Yes, I think that's the case. She wants to save our relationship and will say whatever she thinks will work.


It is such a bad lie that I can't tell if she is hiding something important. Either she is true to you now or not.

// I know. I have my doubts. We had a rocky patch a few weeks past, and I stormed out. She called her abusive x narcissist boyfriend for solace. I don't know what went on between them but I do know she broke her no-contact policy to get in touch with him.

// I don't know if she's hiding something important. I mean, like what?


// could you tell me what, in your estimation, makes it such a bad lie? i have my reasons. i'd like to hear yours.

That is the only question you need to figure out. To bad you looked. Not being judgemental but sometimes it's best not to know/share nor was it wise for her to go in depth in her explanation....

Im sorry i looked, too, because i may have put her in a position where she felt like she had no choice but to lie. But if lying is one of her go-to escape routes, i guess that's a good thing for me to know.

loyddssss 08-08-2017 07:09 PM

Re: So I snooped and maybe she's lying about what I found
 
Hinky is right. I mean, in her train writing, there seems to be a question in her mind about whether something was hinky in what was going on. Duh. Of course, the whole thing was hinky. I find it somewhat odd and weird that she kind of posed it as a questions, like maybe after asking big dic guy more questions, she wouldn't think it hinky at all.

Erebos 08-08-2017 07:30 PM

Re: So I snooped and maybe she's lying about what I found
 
Just think how much happier you would have been if you hadn't gone snooping in the first place.
If you had suspicions you ask!!
Then you either believe it! And never mention it again.
Or you decide she is lying and you walk!

You don't get to to use it as a shytty stick to beat her with over your own insecurities.
Which you obviously have, otherwise you wouldn't be going through her stuff.
You should be looking at yourself a little harder and at her past personal business a little less, which technically has absolutely nothing to do with you. Nor does the reason she did it.
It's actually non of your concern.

If I was her you'd be dropped like a hot rock, so I would consider yourself lucky and move e on.
But then that just my opinion.

divine1966 08-08-2017 07:36 PM

Re: So I snooped and maybe she's lying about what I found
 
She had exchanges of pics two years ago? Before you two met?

Then who cares. It's a silly thing to do but not something to be mad about two years later. What I did find weird is why was she writing notes about it. But people do strange things.

I am with a previous poster. I would dump you.

TishaBuv 08-08-2017 08:27 PM

Re: So I snooped and maybe she's lying about what I found
 
She sounds like she was having fun flirting with an internet stranger, he sent her a d*ck pic. Maybe he was Anthony Weiner, lol! She was having fun and being silly. Then she took it farther with the photo of her, still just flirting and having fun. The end of the story was he ended up a "stalker".

It does sound like she's backtracking and making the whole thing sound more innocent than it was. Eh, that's what people do when they are embarrassed and get caught.

Was what she did so bad? This was before you, she was single, being silly, got herself a 'stalker', not using very good judgment.

The fact that some guy sent a d*ck pic while she was flirting is so meaningless. Is that what you are mostly upset about? That's so trivial.

But the fact that she got herself into a situation with a stalker is concerning. Does she have good judgment?

You should be more supportive to her from this situation, if you truly love her. Does she still fear this guy? Is he a threat? What happened to her?

You shouldn't have snooped. You are no prize, either, being a snoop who she can't trust. You both did risky things.

But since you did find out about this stalker. I think you should discuss that with care and understanding. That will form a closer bond between you and strengthen your relationship.

Erebos 08-08-2017 08:42 PM

Re: So I snooped and maybe she's lying about what I found
 
Just a side note, your snooping wasn't justified. You prove this by admitting you didn't find what you were looking for.

ElsaMars 08-08-2017 08:53 PM

Re: So I snooped and maybe she's lying about what I found
 
She sounds like a confused women who was looking for validation from a stranger. Dic pics aren't as enticing to most women as many men think they are.....I'm surprised she had that reaction to it. She might be lying or maybe not. You know her better than any of us. If you are suspicious and think she's lying, that alone tells me all is not as it should be in the relationship.


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