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Unread 08-11-2017, 07:48 AM   #41
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Default Re: So I snooped and maybe she's lying about what I found

You mentioned that you only see her once a month, if I read correctly. If that's the case, you don't have an exclusive relationship with her. She has a lot of issues. She is what she is. You just need to accept her for what she is, if you want a relationship with her. She will not be what you want your gf to be.
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Unread 08-11-2017, 08:03 AM   #42
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Default Re: So I snooped and maybe she's lying about what I found

Quote:
Originally Posted by loyddssss View Post
could you be a little more explicit -- about her, not about you, of course.
Her dramatic ways, risky behavior, her need to feed her ego, her attachment to old bf's, shaky sense of self, insecurity
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Unread 08-11-2017, 11:05 AM   #43
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Default Re: So I snooped and maybe she's lying about what I found

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Originally Posted by Bill3 View Post
I might have missed this above, but how long have you been seeing her?

1.5 years or so.

So it sounds like there are a lot of positive effects on both sides so far.

There might be advantages to this: She could be a sort of treatment for you. You have the chance, with her, to learn to deal with the triggers rather than get upset or leave or whatever else might have happened with them in the past. It sounds like, so far, she triggers you but that triggering has not been so major as to threaten to become a dealbreaker.

Sadly, such is not the case. Combine cPTSD, booze, a binary tendency, and a trigger and you've got a dealbreaker almost every time I melt down. I've broken up w/ her a dozen times but she won't let me go and she forgives me my many trespasses the moment I come out of my booze-fueled conflagration. At times, I've begged her to just let me go, but she refuses.

So, yes, she is a walking minefield for me. And yes my shrink says that while she might be great, she isn't great for me in particular. But we continue on -- hopeful that this time, with booze out of the picture, I can control my meltdowns better. And so far so good.

But this trust thing, born of the dic pic situation, still looms. Sobriety has kept me from acting out on it, but it is a problem. I'll be bolted awake at 2 am with her on a train, the tape of what happened unspooling from the get go and wrecking my sleep, with thoughts of her doing the same or similar with me in the picture.


What have you been doing to work on that stuff?

Well, the big thing is stopping drinking, which has had a huge impact. I'm also seeing a great psychiatrist who is much more than a pill pusher and is experienced, to the degree one can be, with cPTSD and how to try to fight it, mainly using DBT.

To me, the significance of the above depends on how far removed in time she is from that relationship. It sounds like not so long, given your expression recent vacation. It does not surprise me that she would have some residual entanglement with him. I consider that rage to be an entanglement of sorts. If she was really past him he just wouldn't matter, he'd be irrelevant and there would be no rage.

Yes, I followed the narcissist by less than a month up to four months, depending on which way my gf presents it at the time of talking about it. But, in any event, I'm close.

So therefore to me this is something to tell her if you are going to see if you can save the relationship with her. But I wouldn't come at her wanting to forbid things. My approach would be to tell her how her contact with him makes you feel, and see what sort of reaction you get, and specifically see what if anything she offers to do to help you. I mean, it is easy to say No contact ever but I wouldn't be eager to create an explosion point when some contact can quite likely occur just in the normal course of life. Trust, when possible, is much better than forbidding and/or snooping.

I have told her how her contact with him makes me feel, in response to which she said she would redouble her efforts at no contact. The no-contact failures, however, have not occurred in the course of normal life.

Is this something that you would want to pin down with her, who is more experienced/naive? I wouldn't. The way I see it, she might need to have that image of herself. Why would you want to destroy that self-image? Remember this:

A truth that's told with bad intent
Beats all the lies you can invent.

--William Blake

Many of us have images of ourselves that could not stand up to the searchlight of truth, but these images have their value for us. Stay away from attacking or destroying hers in the name of truth.

I wish I'd read your words a few months ago. They might have had a profound impact on my behavior. During most of my meltdowns, I've gone on and on about how she presents herself as such a naive innocent when in fact the opposite is true. As evidence, most recently, of course, I've tossed out the dic pick writing on the train, which leads her to double down on proclaiming her innocence, even in the face of incontrovertible evidence to the contrary.

She had something terrible happened to her when she was 15 and the cops investigating it grilled her to the nth degree, always insinuating and/or outright saying she was responsible for what happened, as did all the adults around her. I believe this is why, no matter what, no matter that it might make her lie, she always always always has to maintain her innocence when it comes to things like the ****-pic fiasco. Which is also why she can't stand up and take responsibility -- because somehow, in her mind, she has worked it out that she is, in fact innocent, so there is no responsibility that needs to be taken.

So, I take your point about her self image and I agree: she needs it to survive. So I shouldn't be trying to dismantle it. But then some might argue that I'm an enabler. I don't know. Very confusing.

Whew. Man, life is messy. And I still don't know what to do. But, thanks to you and my shrink, I'm not going to make any yes-no decisions right now or on the fly, if I can help it, and I think I can, since I'm not drinking. Any further thoughts you have would be most welcome. As you might imagine, I'm very emotional about all of this and it clouds my ability to think straight, so the well-tempered, thoughtful and insightful stuff you have said has been helpful like you can't imagine. Thanks!!!!
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Unread 08-11-2017, 11:24 AM   #44
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Default Re: So I snooped and maybe she's lying about what I found

hummingbird 1 wrote: I believe a person should go with there gut instinct, We have gut feelibgs for a reason and it is called intuition, If I found out what you found out, I would be highly upset, I would not trust her at all, How do you know if she is still doing it or not, You dont, Just go with your instinct, It will never let you down, I dont think I could stay with a person that is lying to me and communicating with other men, Without trust, You have nothing.

I agree, in the main, but my gut instincts might not be all that reliable, given my overall mental health . That said, in this situation, I'm sure she is lying. But I don't think it's malicious. She's trying to save her self image, as well as our relationship, so to the degree that I believe that, maybe I should cut her some slack.

She no longer wants to talk about this or the past, naturally, but I'm somewhat inclined to forge on ahead with her and see if she continues to lie when put in a stressful situation. This might be foolish of me. And, in fact, I might not be able to do it. If the trust thing continues to infect my dreams, both waking and sleeping, then I'll have no choice but to cut things off.


hopingtrying writes: But seriously, if this all happened before she met you, it just sounds like an impulsive act that you are getting way to worked up about. Sometimes good people lie when they feel ashamed or expect to be judged.

Yes, the dic pic incident happened before she met me, but the lying about it, obviously, happened while I was with her, and yes I do believe she lied about it because she's ashamed of how she behaved. But she's also been having problems maintaining no contract with her ex, and that worries me. And, well, for all I really know, she could still be having those problems and still be engaged in dic pick soliciting. I don't think she's doing the latter but how would I ever know, except by snooping further, which I'm not inclined to do, perhaps at my peril.

As well, I could argue that it could not have been a purely impulsive act, since it unfolded over a period of time. I mean, the picture she sent to him was taken by a guy friend of hers who had to know what she was up to and decided to join in on the fun. And it had to have gone on long enough for something in their back-and-forth turning him into a stalker. So, she had plenty of time to reflect on what she was doing and either stop it or continue.



You mentioned that you only see her once a month, if I read correctly. If that's the case, you don't have an exclusive relationship with her

By definition? I don't know. You could be right, despite our stated intentions. But I'll never know.
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Unread 08-11-2017, 02:58 PM   #45
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Default Re: So I snooped and maybe she's lying about what I found

Thanks for explaining how she is a minefield for you. I see what you mean! But I also agree with this:

Quote:
But we continue on -- hopeful that this time, with booze out of the picture, I can control my meltdowns better. And so far so good.
Keeping away from alcohol will be a big help, I believe.

Quote:
Sobriety has kept me from acting out on it, but it is a problem. I'll be bolted awake at 2 am with her on a train, the tape of what happened unspooling from the get go and wrecking my sleep, with thoughts of her doing the same or similar with me in the picture.
I am glad that you have not acted on these dreams. Sobriety can help people do great things! How long have you had the dreams? How do you deal with these thoughts if/when they come up during the day?

I am familiar with DBT. How has DBT helped you, how long have you been using DBT, and how long have you been seeing your psychiatrist?

Quote:
The no-contact failures, however, have not occurred in the course of normal life.
I'm not sure if I agree with this statement or not, based on what you have shared so far. I think one has to remember that "normal life" for her, I gather, includes major degrees of emotional volatility, so that unconstructive ideas such as contacting him start to look helpful to her, or at least irresistible. Does she see a therapist now? I wonder if she does DBT, or, if not, if she would consider it?

Quote:
I believe this is why, no matter what, no matter that it might make her lie, she always always always has to maintain her innocence when it comes to things like the ****-pic fiasco. Which is also why she can't stand up and take responsibility -- because somehow, in her mind, she has worked it out that she is, in fact innocent, so there is no responsibility that needs to be taken.
I really admire this passage as in my opinion you demonstrate a great degree of insight and compassion. It sounds very much like what happened when she was 15 had a profound, devastating impact on her life, and still does. And I conclude from what you wrote that she was in fact innocent at that age, despite the strong contrary insistence of law enforcement and the adults in her life. My heart goes out to her. I bet that she needed to have that belief in her own innocence in her mind to maintain her sanity at that excruciating time. It could well be a core, rock bottom belief for her, that she is innocent and even if she makes a mistake that doesn't change her being innocent. How able do you feel to allow her that belief? I don't mean that you should speak with her about it--just remember in your own mind that she needs this belief, and speak and act accordingly.

Quote:
But then some might argue that I'm an enabler.
For you to be an enabler there would, first of all, need to be reason to think that the belief is damaging her life. Is it? If yes, how so?

Quote:
As you might imagine, I'm very emotional about all of this and it clouds my ability to think straight, so the well-tempered, thoughtful and insightful stuff you have said has been helpful like you can't imagine. Thanks!!!!
Thank you so much for your exceedingly kind words!

And good job keeping away from emotional-fueled or alcohol-fueled yes/no decisions made on the fly.
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Unread 08-12-2017, 09:39 AM   #46
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Default Re: So I snooped and maybe she's lying about what I found

[quote=Bill3;5773724]Thanks for explaining how she is a minefield for you. I see what you mean! But I also agree with this:

Keeping away from alcohol will be a big help, I believe.

absolutely. the issues that led to meltdowns remain for the most part but without booze, i am not acting on those issues, at least so far i haven't. it seems remarkable to me that cutting that one thing out of my life could have such a huge impact.

I am glad that you have not acted on these dreams. Sobriety can help people do great things! How long have you had the dreams? How do you deal with these thoughts if/when they come up during the day?

I have them all the time. I sometimes talk during my sleep about what i'm dreaming. My girlfriend said that happened last night, with me saying stuff like, We're done, that's it and **** you. She thought it seemed directed at her. But, she pays no attention to this stuff. She said, it happened during a dream, so it's not real, which is also what she says when i'd been drinking and melted down: you were drunk so it's not real.

I don't know how she's able to partition stuff off like this, but maybe it's because of the partitioning skills she had to learn at the age of 15. The bad part is, it keeps her in bad relationships for way way way too long. I'm just the latest one.


I am familiar with DBT. How has DBT helped you, how long have you been using DBT, and how long have you been seeing your psychiatrist?

I've only been seeing my psychiatrist for a few months and only been involved with DBT for the same amount of time. I don't know how it's helped me, if indeed it has. I was hoping it'd help with the intrusive thoughts -- which occur during waking hours as well as sleeping, but so far that has not been the case.

I am unsure right now what to do about the dic pick lies. Do I relegate them to the past, as she has done and wants me to do? If so, do I just hope that the intrusive thoughts based on them disappear with time? If any of the above, am I putting her well being above mine and doing myself a disservice? I just don't know. In the meantime, since we're involved in a long-distance relationship right now, can I trust her? should I trust her? what do i do with my thoughts that run counter to trusting her?


I'm not sure if I agree with this statement or not, based on what you have shared so far. I think one has to remember that "normal life" for her, I gather, includes major degrees of emotional volatility, so that unconstructive ideas such as contacting him start to look helpful to her, or at least irresistible. Does she see a therapist now? I wonder if she does DBT, or, if not, if she would consider it?

I agree with what you're saying. She sees a therapist twice a week. The therapist has a buddhist orientation and is not at all proscriptive. No DBT/. she is well aware of DBT and wants me to do it, but she's not going down that avenue right now. She believes she is doing very well by her brand of therapy and will admit to no other. Again, it's part and parcel, I think, of her need to see herself as an innocent and not an active participant or proximate cause in my various meltdowns so she doesn't need anything like DBT.

I really admire this passage as in my opinion you demonstrate a great degree of insight and compassion. It sounds very much like what happened when she was 15 had a profound, devastating impact on her life, and still does. And I conclude from what you wrote that she was in fact innocent at that age, despite the strong contrary insistence of law enforcement and the adults in her life. My heart goes out to her. I bet that she needed to have that belief in her own innocence in her mind to maintain her sanity at that excruciating time. It could well be a core, rock bottom belief for her, that she is innocent and even if she makes a mistake that doesn't change her being innocent. How able do you feel to allow her that belief? I don't mean that you should speak with her about it--just remember in your own mind that she needs this belief, and speak and act accordingly.

Yes, you are right on target here about her innocence. And I'm able to allow it and let it go up to the point, of course, where it has a direct impact on my life. ie, lying about the dic pick thing. that's where i falter and wonder if i'm doing the right thing, putting her needs above mine, when i know mine might be a little extreme due to my mental health issues. then again, i might be selling myself short there, too, given that perhaps most people would have a problem with the type of lying she does. I want the best for her, but at what cost to me?

For you to be an enabler there would, first of all, need to be reason to think that the belief is damaging her life. Is it? If yes, how so?

[b]good point. And no, the belief is not damaging her life, but perhaps only up to the point where she's lying about stuff to maintain her innocence.

As you can tell, I'm still in the throws of indecision. She has a ton of different sides to her. The soft loving side, the MBA-getting-for-no-reason-side, the rock n roll lead singer side, the dic-pick-soliciting side, the side that knows medicine better than most doctors, law better than most lawyers, the traumatized-at-15-but-carrying-on-pretty-damn-well side and on and on, all derived from her genius-level IQ and her need to keep her brain busy. And I've not seen all of her sides. And I'm sure there are some I don't want to see or have seen but rather I hadn't. And she has a way of keeping them separate, so they aren't all blended into one whole but more or less come out and announce themselves as needed or wanted. I mainly see the soft loving side, but my snooping has shown me other sides, and I've seen her doctor side and lawyer sides a few times, and they are impressive.

what i don't know, and what gets at me, is that while some of these sides are current and on going, some are not, but which ones are and which ones aren't i don't know. So, for instance, I don't know whether the dic pick side is still around or not and I won't know unless I do that which I'd rather not. I mean, before I found out about it, I wouldn't have guessed that she would be into something like that in a million years. I'm still kind of rocked back by how opposite such a liking is from the likings of the woman I know and the woman she has said she is. Then again, I'd never have figured her for a liar, either. A few weeks ago, I asked her if she'd ever told some really pretty big lies. Her answer: Never.

basically, she's very complicated, and at a certain point those complications, or me thinking about them, or me having to deal with them, might get to be too much for me. Don't know where I stand now. Wish I did. .
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Unread 08-12-2017, 03:52 PM   #47
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Default Re: So I snooped and maybe she's lying about what I found

Quote:
I've only been seeing my psychiatrist for a few months and only been involved with DBT for the same amount of time. I don't know how it's helped me, if indeed it has. I was hoping it'd help with the intrusive thoughts -- which occur during waking hours as well as sleeping, but so far that has not been the case.


What does your psychiatrist say about the intrusive thoughts?

Quote:
In the meantime, since we're involved in a long-distance relationship right now, can I trust her? should I trust her? what do i do with my thoughts that run counter to trusting her?
What are the pros and cons of trusting her?

Quote:
I agree with what you're saying. She sees a therapist twice a week. The therapist has a buddhist orientation and is not at all proscriptive. No DBT/. she is well aware of DBT and wants me to do it, but she's not going down that avenue right now. She believes she is doing very well by her brand of therapy and will admit to no other. Again, it's part and parcel, I think, of her need to see herself as an innocent and not an active participant or proximate cause in my various meltdowns so she doesn't need anything like DBT.


How long has she been seeing her therapist? What is your impression of her progress or lack thereof in therapy?

Quote:
i might be selling myself short there, too, given that perhaps most people would have a problem with the type of lying she does.


Could you please remind me what she has lied about, leaving aside the **** pic situation?

Quote:
before I found out about it, I wouldn't have guessed that she would be into something like that in a million years.


Well something happening once would not mean that she was "into it". How many other such incidents are you aware of?

Quote:
basically, she's very complicated, and at a certain point those complications, or me thinking about them, or me having to deal with them, might get to be too much for me. Don't know where I stand now. Wish I did.


It can be okay to hesitate in the face of complicated, varied, and conflicting information. How well can you tolerate waiting, hesitating?


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Unread 08-13-2017, 07:44 AM   #48
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Default Re: So I snooped and maybe she's lying about what I found

[quote=Bill3;5775492]What does your psychiatrist say about the intrusive thoughts?

her basic advice is to get up and do something that interferes with the thought, to short circuit it. which is difficult for me to do in the middle of the night, so i usually just lie there and ruminate on the thought, making everything worse.


What are the pros and cons of trusting her?

Good question. Pros, if I could trust her, I guess all these bad dreams would go away and we could have a so-called normal relationship. Con: well, anything goes. since she manages to do everything in such a way that she appears innocent, she could still be doing the dic pick thing and i'd never know unless i snoop again. or be in touch with her no-contact ex. or similar.
i do think she carries a lot of secrets with her.


How long has she been seeing her therapist? What is your impression of her progress or lack thereof in therapy?

She's been seeing her current therapist for several years now. i'm not sure what progress she's made. i know she got out of her relationship with the narcissist ex while with her. but i also know that she's continued to see me while seeing her too. most therapists would tell her to run from a guy with my issues. i think my gf uses her mostly as a sounding board. i'm not sure any actual therapy, as you and i understand it, is going.


Could you please remind me what she has lied about, leaving aside the **** pic situation?

1 / the one where she wrote a letter to her best friend saying she'd done a terrible thing and called her ex and he came over. in her version, she'd written that in error, when in fact all she'd done, she says, was write her ex to reaffirm her vow of no-contact. nothing spurred her to write him, she says, but abject loneliness. and then he showed up at her door two days later with gifts to return some of her belongings, she says, uninvited.

2/ after a week or two of sobriety, i sent her a text wondering why she'd never said anything about it or congratulated me or anything. two seconds later, she texted back: of course i have! a lot! i'm so proud of you and i've texted you that repeatedly! i pointed out that she hadn't and after a moment of scrolling back to past texts, she apologized. the matter is a small one. what bothers me is that her instinctive, knee-jerk reaction was to cover her butt with a lie. another instance of needing to appear innocent.

3/ she says she got her boob job (ddd!!!) just to make herself feel better and constantly puts down other women who use it to make themselves more appealing to men. but, of course, she used a boobilus pic of herself to further entice the 29 year old. and on the dating site, she used a similar shot until the replies became overwhelming, then she stopped for a while, then she used it again.
this isn't so much a lie as an indication of how her actions can be so at variance with her words.


4/ there's more but they escape me at the moment.


Well something happening once would not mean that she was "into it". How many other such incidents are you aware of?

Actually, none, other than by inference, which of course can be wrong. I do know she was "conversing" with other OKC guys at the time. I do know that the dic pick incident went on for a while. it wan't just the train ride. how long it lasted, I don't know. from what i can gather, two weeks at least. but at some point he turned into a stalker, so she ended it. I base being "into it" on her willingness to continue the back and forth over a period of time.

she could have been emotionally upset about stuff at the time, but one of my bigger concerns is similar to the one i have about her boob job justication. her actions with the pic thing are so incredibly at variance with the woman she says she is and has always been. like 180 degrees different. this is something that infects my dreams. and i sometimes look at her, trying to find that other her, and can't. but that's one of the benefits of having the kind of separate selves that she has. she can behave one way at one time and another way at another time and between the two of them find a rational for it that makes her seem like the innocent she needs to be. so, that could be going on right now and i'd never know it....
but i might suspect it, because of the lies she told to try to dust it away as the actions of a naive soul who thought it was a game, when it's clear she knew exactly what she was doing.


It can be okay to hesitate in the face of complicated, varied, and conflicting information. How well can you tolerate waiting, hesitating?

hihistorically, not good at all. but that's when booze was involved. i do know that i am leaking at the edges. made a comment about the 10" **** once. when she said, i can't unhear something I've heard, about something funny she heard, I said, yeah know you know what it's like for me when i can't unread something i've read.

she groaned and ignored what i said.

and then there are my infected dreams, which suggests my tolerance level must be pretty low.

i dunno, man. i have no idea if all of this is worth the stress and strain.
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Unread 08-13-2017, 05:47 PM   #49
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Default Re: So I snooped and maybe she's lying about what I found

Have you tried getting up, even though it's the middle of the night? That would be unpleasant but perhaps better than ruminating?

Quote:
i think my gf uses her mostly as a sounding board. i'm not sure any actual therapy, as you and i understand it, is going.
I would see that as a type of therapy. And with that kind of listening orientation I would not expect her therapist to express an opinion as to whether to leave or stay with you.

Quote:
what bothers me is that her instinctive, knee-jerk reaction was to cover her butt with a lie.
That certainly is a concern.

With regard to commenting on your progress, I wouldn't call that needing to appear innocent, because I was thinking of innocence more in terms of sexual innocence/naivete. Another reason she might lie is because, in the past, she was harshly punished when caught doing something wrong. This example of her saying that she congratulated you, and then agreeing that she didn't, could be really instructive. I wonder what would have happened to her in the past if she were with a previous guy, especially the abusive guy, in this situation. Could you discuss that example with her further? In a nonthreatening, nonjudging way, perhaps you could ask her to think about what brought her to lie about the text messages. Perhaps she didn't even realize it was a lie; perhaps in her mind, she had already congratulated you.

How long ago was the boob shot narrative you shared?

It is possible that she still does dic pic stuff, but how likely is it, in your judgment?

Well I think that you are tolerating the uncertainty and stress pretty well, now that you've stopped with the drinking. She gives you a lot of triggers, and you have managed to not blow up. That says a lot.
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Unread 08-14-2017, 08:08 AM   #50
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Default Re: So I snooped and maybe she's lying about what I found

zzzzzzzzz
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bill3 View Post
Have you tried getting up, even though it's the middle of the night? That would be unpleasant but perhaps better than ruminating?

// I have tried that but not often enough. Last night, the 2nd to last night i'll be spending w/ my gf for a month, I didn't startle awake but I did have bad dreams all night about something that happened during the day (see below) and secrets and hidden stuff. Nothing I could do about them, really, because I was asleep but they sure do make me feel undone and uneasy in the morning.

I would see that as a type of therapy. And with that kind of listening orientation I would not expect her therapist to express an opinion as to whether to leave or stay with you.

Okay, yes. I do know that a few weeks ago, the therapist said something, regarding my gf's last two bfs, me and the narcissist, that really pissed her off. the T said, wow, you sure know how to pick em.

but for the most part, the therapist stays in the background.


That certainly is a concern.

With regard to commenting on your progress, I wouldn't call that needing to appear innocent, because I was thinking of innocence more in terms of sexual innocence/naivete.

agreed

Another reason she might lie is because, in the past, she was harshly punished when caught doing something wrong.

I know she felt harshly punished by everybody who sort of condemned her after what happened when she was 15. other than that, she was never punished by her parents, who were totally hands off and certainly her mother had mental illness problems of one sort or another. never really loved or took care of her daughter, just let her be or put her down for not being as smart as her. after hrer parent's divorce, her mother slept around a lot, lots of men coming through the house, etc. my gf calls her a total narcissist.


This example of her saying that she congratulated you, and then agreeing that she didn't, could be really instructive. I wonder what would have happened to her in the past if she were with a previous guy, especially the abusive guy, in this situation. Could you discuss that example with her further? In a nonthreatening, nonjudging way, perhaps you could ask her to think about what brought her to lie about the text messages. Perhaps she didn't even realize it was a lie; perhaps in her mind, she had already congratulated you.

No matter how I come at such a question, she'll feel interrogated so I best not bring it up. However, I do think you're 100% right, in her mind she had already congratulated me. I don't know how to feel about that.


How long ago was the boob shot narrative you shared?

Roughly 1.5 to two years before we met, although when we met, he was still in her life as a stalker. Yes, I know that's a long time before we met and people do change, but imo they change less in their, say, mid 50s than they do in their early 20s.

It is possible that she still does dic pic stuff, but how likely is it, in your judgment?

somewhat possible, either that or something similar. I know she has the boobilus pic she sent the guy still on her phone, I don't know if she still has the dic pic still on it, but i wouldn't be surprised.

Yesterday, we were out driving, got a little lost, and I picked up her cell phone and suggested we use the GPS. I don't have her password and she knows it. But she snatched that phone away from me and got a grip on it like state secrets were involved. I said, you can put your password in, you don't have to tell me. She said, No, I won't do that while I'm driving. But, of course, she's done that tons of times in the past. I said, what do you have on there that's so secret? She paused a split second too long, imho, and said, I'm establishing boundaries. she didn't say nothing was on there, just the boundaries thing. She looked pretty ... twitchy and nervous about the thought of me having access to her cell phone, like she was certain I'd go past her GPS and start snooping and find stuff she didn't want me to find.
A gloomy half hour passed and I basically let it go. But, my dreams haven't let it go, nor my thoughts during the day.
Why so sudden a snatch? Why did she say she wouldn't put her password in while driving? What the hell is on there?
Anyway, it made me feel super insecure and super unhappy with feeling super insecure. Especially when we have two more days together before we don't see each other for a month, with the dic pick thing still bedeviling my brain pan.


Well I think that you are tolerating the uncertainty and stress pretty well, now that you've stopped with the drinking. She gives you a lot of triggers, and you have managed to not blow up. That says a lot.

I'm doing my best. Yesterday's incident nearly put me in meltdown mode. Some part of me thinks I need to talk to her about it before she leaves tomorrow, but I wouldn't know what to say to her other than, the way you grabbed that phone away from me made me feel pretty damn bad and insecure and worried and suspicious, and I just don't know how to process those feelings.

But maybe I just need to take the moment and file it away as a nothing thing to me mindful of when considering our future.

As always, I'm unsettled and unsure and living in limbo. Ugh.


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