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Unread 02-05-2017, 05:43 PM   #1
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Unhappy Marriage separation after deployment

Hello Everyone,

I'm 35 y/o and been married a total of 8 years. I have 2 children with my wife 8/7. I'll try to keep this short as possible.

I am currently active duty military and met my wife in North Carolina. We have definitely had out ups and downs over the years. Right before I went on deployment in April 2016, my wife caught me messaging another female on the phone. The last year, she was in school and hanging out with her friends and became really distant to me, almost like a roommate so I done that stupid thing to get attention and it was totally wrong and I admitted that. We talked through it and I thought everything was good. I left 2 weeks after that on a 9 month deployment overseas. The first couple months I was out there we where able to FaceTime and it seemed like we where ok. Then my 3rd month till month 9 she never really talked to me or our conversations became really short. Come to find out she was hanging out and going out with a guy from her class. This guy is apparently married. So while I was deployed, I noticed she started going to the range and doing different things with this guy. She stated that he is like a "Brother" and nothing is wrong with that. She also stated around month 8 of my deployment that when I get back, it probably wouldn't be best to live together at the moment. She had mentioned that we needed to start back from square one and start dating eachother again. After being married for 8 years to this womn I was devastated to hear that she didn't want to live together. She had also mentioned that when I got back we would not be having sex. She moved off base into an apartment in which mybpictures where taken down instead of in my children's room, she took off her rings and she started to regain her self as of what she called it. I had asked her if she was having an affair in which she denied. She said she is focused on school and the kids.

The first night back from deployment, she asked if I could come over and watch the kids while she went to school and Inaccepted it. While I was there, I noticed a 30 rack of beer in the closet and cigarettes on top of the fridge. My wife has never been a beer drinker like that. I looked at her computer and noticed under her pictures that there where pictures of the guy from her class shooting pool at a bar. I noticed a lot of different things around the house. Another thing is she locked the door to her room.

Fast forward the next day, I drove by her house and that guy was on her patio and I talked to him, his friend and her. She blew up at me and said I had no right to be there and thatbI humiliated her. So I left. Remind you as well my kids said that they slept at his house with her and his wife was gone. They said she slept on the couch but why was she over there doing that? Why would a married woman do that?

So fast forward today, I mentioned to my wife if she wanted to go to marriage counseling to work our issues out and she said no. She said she is focused on the kids and school but not us. But she seems to have time to go out with this guy to do things but doesn't have time for me. She said that I'm a negative person and the way she talks to me now is so nonchalant, like she doesn't care at all. I think her friends are influencing her and she tasted life without me and feels it's easier....

Guess what I'm trying to ask is do you think my marriage is over?? I suggested Counseling but she rejected it. She says I had 8!years and now I'm just realizing I lost a good woman....I don't know what to do, I am an emotional wreck. I can't sleep, my heart is constantly pounding and this overall hurts me so bad. I want my family back but she doesn't want it..Can someone please tell me what I need to do? We been separated 9 months from my deployment and I feel that if I never left, non of this would have happened. Now that she has freedom to go out with this guynornhave him over, she is enjoying that life.

For the past month I been home, we communicate for the kids and she told me that she was going to invite me out to dinner but my actions have told her not to. I don't know wether to do the 180 or give up
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Unread 02-06-2017, 05:27 AM   #2
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Default Re: Marriage separation after deployment

I'm sorry

Your marriage is over.

Yes, she's had an affair.

Sorry. Just way too many red flags to ignore here when it's staring at us right in the face.
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Unread 02-06-2017, 09:34 AM   #3
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Default Re: Marriage separation after deployment

I'm so sorry that she betrayed you while you were deployed serving this country. I'm so sorry for your immense and searing pain.

Please consider speaking to an attorney so that you will be able to have regular, legally required visitation with your children. This is your right and also your children's right. Also, please consider seeing a counselor so as to have someone to speak to about the intense pain that you are experiencing.
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Unread 02-06-2017, 10:44 AM   #4
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Default Re: Marriage separation after deployment

Your marriage is over.
She had/ is having an affair. Just ask the guy he will probably be honest.

Get a lawyer, and stop punishing yourself for doing your job.
She knew what she was doing even to the point of waiting til you were deployed to move you out.

Personally I have a massive issue with this kind of thing so I am going to leave it there.

All the best, I hope you have good people around you to lean on.
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Unread 02-07-2017, 09:56 PM   #5
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Default Re: Marriage separation after deployment

I appreciate the honesty. For some reason, she doesn't want to be the one to file for divorce. I explained like an adult that if she wanted it to be over that she should go ahead and file. Her mom is oblivious to everything, saying to pray about it and leave it in Gods hands. She told her family she never cheated but admitted to having friends and having fun. To me, the friendship line and boundaries where definitely crossed. She told her mom that she didn't want a divorce but she didn't like the fact I kept her in a "Bubble" as she calls it. Yes I do get insecure and jealous but it seems like I have a right to feel that way in this situation. I don't mind if she has friends, but not the kind that want to hang out and do stuff like that. I am seeing a counselor for those issues so I can handle them better in the future with either her or the next relationship
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Unread 02-07-2017, 09:59 PM   #6
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Default Re: Marriage separation after deployment

Thank you all. She's telling her mother that she does not want to divorce for me, but that I keep her in a bubble and I run off all of her friends. Deep down I might be na´ve, but I don't think she physically cheated on me, but I do feel she is having an emotional affair with this man. I am seeking individual counseling for myself to get over my insecurities and jealousy but I think it warrants it in this situation. It's hard to just let go of 10 years but maybe you guys are right. Hopefully I'll be a better person and a man with her or my next relationship
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Unread 02-08-2017, 08:33 AM   #7
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Default Re: Marriage separation after deployment

Quote:
She told her mom that she didn't want a divorce but she didn't like the fact I kept her in a "Bubble" as she calls it.
What would you and your wife think about trying couples counseling?
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Unread 02-09-2017, 02:27 PM   #8
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Unhappy Re: Marriage separation after deployment

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bill3 View Post
What would you and your wife think about trying couples counseling?

I brought up marriage counseling and she said "As of right now, my priorities are nursing school, work and taking care of the kids". She's told her mother she doesn't want to go back to the way it was (I realize I had faults in the marriage as no one is perfect) and that I needed to focus on working on myself. I admit when I came back from deployment I was an emotional train wreck for being gone 9 months and coming back to living in separate houses and dealing with a cold and harsh woman. She holds the texting thing over my head as a crutch to do bad decisions herself. I admitted my faults and asked for forgiveness but she said "I forgive you, but that doesn't mean we need to live together at this moment". Additionally I am trying hard to find faith again and do better things to show I care but she says I'm "Faking" them. It just hurts. I just don't know what to do and how to handle this situation with the little communication we have
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Unread 02-09-2017, 02:53 PM   #9
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Default Re: Marriage separation after deployment

If she refuses to budge then my suggestions are to continue with the counselor to work on yourself, and speak to an attorney to see what your options are and to make sure that you have regular contact with your kids.

I'mean really sorry that you have to go through all of this.
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Unread 02-09-2017, 03:08 PM   #10
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Default Re: Marriage separation after deployment

I agree with Bill3.
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