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Unread 02-16-2017, 03:36 PM   #51
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Default Re: Marriage separation after deployment

Thank you all again. I will answer your guys questions:

Financially, the only thing I am paying her is what the military is making me pay her. I'm not going to say the exact price, but it's pretty much child support. She does have medical insurance through the military since she is married to me that basically doesn't come out of my pocket. She pays for her own phone, car insurance ect as I took her off my plans. We didn't buy a house and she pays for her own vehicle, so there is nothing binding us together in that aspect

Her Personality: as far as this is concerned, the way she has been treating me the last month I never experienced this the whole 10 years we been together. She used to be such a sweet and genuinely nice person. She changed when I came back. She started hanging out with a few people that I did not agree with who showed her the "Single Life" while I deployed. Probably told her things she wanted to hear and to get rid of me. Basically talking her head up. She just has this cocky, I don't care attitude. Her mom keeps telling me deep down she is miserable and let her make stupid decisions. Just keep praying about it.

legally, I already had legal consultations for my rights. Again, I'm holding off for a few reasons but I am seriously questioning on what I should do. I know the answer a lot of people have is "Get rid of her, divorce he" and I know that's the easy way out to move on, but I'm going to wait a little longer to see if she does have a come to God moment that everything isn't what it seems to be on the other side. It might not ever happen, but I don't want to live with regrets later on. Either way you have to be separated a year in this state, so there is no huge rush.

As far as my kids, I see them all the time, so there is no issues with that. During drop off and pick up, we don't speak or anything. We still haven't talked in person (One on One mature conversation). We have a schedule so that's good. It avoids unwanted arguments as
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Unread 02-16-2017, 04:37 PM   #52
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Default Re: Marriage separation after deployment

Hey there again. I think so long as you are financially secure in the future. That you have considered all future legal implications, then you re sound.
The practical safety net is in place.
Because if the worst comes to the worst you won't want to deal with it all then. And it could feel like everything is falling in on you.

Now, though you are in a position to play it by ear.
Don't listen to anything that supposedly came from your wife unless it's from her own mouth.

I would like to make a point about survival here, because that's what I believe started her actions. There is a big difference between surviving and living, and I think imho, this is what your wife believes she is doing now by focusing on "herself and the kids."
Interesting she put them that way round and not the other. But maybe that's just me.

I cannot speak to her vindictiveness, I suspect she hoped beyond hope that you would get deployed again and just falloff the earth. Not out of callousness but because it would've been easier for her.
I suspect a lot of her anger stems from you not making this easy.
It's easy enough to gauge, just watch her reactions if her plans don't work out.

These situations are saddest of all, because you have one partner who has drawn battle lines and is in full on fight mode.
The other is still catching up.
In all honesty I would love to see even just an amicable conclusion to this story.
I really do wish you the best of luck. And that your wife responds positively to your tactics of minimum contact, and no confrontation. It may take her a while to believe it.
If she is used to you, going at things like a bull in a China shop. She might still be expecting that.

Consistency is the key.

Take care, be kind to yourself.
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Unread 02-16-2017, 06:10 PM   #53
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Default Re: Marriage separation after deployment

I'm glad you've had legal consultations regarding your rights. And I'm glad you see your kids regularly with, apparently, no conflict over custody issues.

I don't think any of us here are pushing you to file for divorce, or thinking that will be an easy solution. Plus, as you say, you're not even eligible, yet, to do that. It also explains why she hasn't done that.

You say you are being stationed there for the near foreseeable future. That simplifies a lot. I guess, then, you are doing about all you can. Take things day by day.

It's my own belief, based on years of watching people and life, that hardly anyone hugely changes in who they are. But your wife may have gained a lot of confidence in her ability to get by without you. I think you are placing too much blame on other people for ruining the relationship between your wife and yourself. They may have helped her open some doors, but she was looking for those doors, and she would have found her way to where she us at, one way or another. Like you say: the things they told her were what you suspect she "wanted to hear." Anyone can find people to agree with them, if they look hard enough. Plus, they are only hearing her side.
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Unread 02-16-2017, 09:53 PM   #54
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Thanks you for the responses. I'm just taking it day by day. I'm in a lot better place mentally then I was the first few weeks back. I'm starting to accept things for what they are, I'm getting better spiritually and learning to get back on my feet. I'm acting eating and sleeping through the night now. I still think about it, but I'm not obsessed with it anymore. All I can be is positive to get through this time. With or without her, I want to work on my flaws to be a better husband/father or be better for the next person. Just going to kill her with kindness. I just hope she finds God again and gets back on track. She is a great mother and I will never take that from her. I just feel she has a lot of soul searching to do as we all do, cause I know this was a wake up call to the mistakes I made in this marriage that I am actively working on. She is saying a lot of horrible and angry stuff to me out of anger and hurt that I don't deserve, but I do understand how she feels. Just hope I can be a success story amidst all of the negative endings a lot of people have in this group. With God, if you pray and live your life the best you can, we will all be winners! I appreciate everyone taking the time out to comment. Means a lot!
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Unread 02-17-2017, 05:58 AM   #55
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So she text a long rant last night after she found out her sister is going n the hospital...She went told me that she's lonely, but would rather be lonely than miserable. She said that she was independent and free spirited and I wasn't. She said she found happiness again, to be silly, free without having to worry to be judged. I then asked her if she still wanted to be married to me and she said "I Love You, but I can longer be married to you. Don't be angry, I hope you find a docile woman"

I screenshotted this and sent it to her mother, as to where I been getting spiritual guidance. She said it seems like her daughter is hurting soooo bad from her own personal demons. She reiterated to me that her daughter loves me cause she said it numerous times. She also stated that when she found out sister was in the hospital, I was the first person she thought about...I know I'm way behind the power curve. As I stated in my previous posts, she became independent and free while I was gone. She said she hit euphoria that she hasn't seen in years which reall hurt my feelings. I never knew she was that unhappy with me...I just wished I could of addressed those issues earlier in our marriage. I don't know what to do now. I offered to be there for her while her sister was in the hospital (Pregnancy issues ", she stated " My true friends have my back" and "No thank you". My question is, why did she even text me in the first place to let me know all of this if she did care about me? In her rant, she told me all the things that she likes doing now that we had never done before nor did I even know she took interest in like shooting ranges..I just don't know what to think right now at this moment...I'm sad, hurt and wish I had a chance to show her that I love her. I don't want to just be a coparent, I want to be her husband.
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Unread 02-17-2017, 10:33 AM   #56
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Default Re: Marriage separation after deployment

Quote:
Originally Posted by DadFMF View Post
So she text a long rant last night after she found out her sister is going n the hospital...She went told me that she's lonely, but would rather be lonely than miserable. She said that she was independent and free spirited and I wasn't. She said she found happiness again, to be silly, free without having to worry to be judged. I then asked her if she still wanted to be married to me and she said "I Love You, but I can longer be married to you. Don't be angry, I hope you find a docile woman"


I screenshotted this and sent it to her mother, as to where I been getting spiritual guidance. She said it seems like her daughter is hurting soooo bad from her own personal demons. She "reiterated to me that her daughter loves me cause she said it numerous times. She also stated that when she found out sister was in the hospital, I was the first person she thought about...I know I'm way behind the power curve. As I stated in my previous posts, she became independent and free while I was gone. She said she hit euphoria that she hasn't seen in years which reall hurt my feelings. I never knew she was that unhappy with me...I just wished I could of addressed those issues earlier in our marriage. I don't know what to do now. I offered to be there for her while her sister was in the hospital (Pregnancy issues ", she stated " My true friends have my back" and "No thank you". My question is, why did she even text me in the first place to let me know all of this if she did care about me? In her rant, she told me all the things that she likes doing now that we had never done before nor did I even know she took interest in like shooting ranges..I just don't know what to think right now at this moment...I'm sad, hurt and wish I had a chance to show her that I love her. I don't want to just be a coparent, I want to be her husband.
DadFMF - you are walking on thin ice if you don't detach.
>> My question is, why did she even text me in the first place to let me know all of this if she did care about me?<<
She's confused. There may also experience internal raging & you may her guy to blame ...

You wife may love you on some level, or maybe not! This emotional environment is NOT conducive to acquiring any accurate picture of the situation. In any event, love is expressed through authentic action not just words regardless of what her mother says. She may say this to her mother but her words to you in bold were anything but loving. They were meant to be hurtful. Her actions also speak

Re >>the things she's doing 'now' that she did not do with you<<. That's nit-picking - She's looking for excuses to justify her actions including her decision to not be with you. The mind can devise really good ways to deal with guilt vilifying the spouse may be next ...

>>i love you but no longer want to be married you<< Whoa!! This is a 'common statement' with those who are going through a crisis. IF she is undergoing a crisis, you cannot win - this one is ugly & needs to 'run its course'.

We know you love her. You are not an 'on-off switch'. However, if she is so different from how she was before, then you are not dealing with the same person. Something happened. She's undergoing change & her 'coping mechanisms are on steroids & screaming' at her (she's trying to get happy, to solve whatever issues have been internally & subconsciously gnawing away at her. these are likely to be issues that were present long before you met)

Someone is either in a healthy relationship or not. This is not healthy. Yes you love her because you are not going through 'the temp. insanity mode thing' where you can change in a beat. It will be sad, very sad but please take care of you.

Keep some distance between yourself & her. You may be reminding her that what she's done is (subconsciously) wrong. She won't like you for it. Defences will go up! Attack mode on & you will quickly hear more unkind words IF she is in crisis. 'Subconscious' guilt & shame is hard on a crisis person - I experienced this first hand.

Don't fall for the word "love" - look at the actions. She isn't with you, is she? Falling for these words from mother in law will only hurt & give you false hope. There is no logic within an illogical- in flux state. Time will reveal all - in your favour ... or not.

DadFMF, I am sorry if some messages come across as negative. That is NOT the intent. I can speak only for myself. I hoped so much when my own ordeal began. I desperately held on looked for 'signs of love, where there was none. I hurt myself. My husband simply needed to give whatever (???) its own natural expression. It had to come out in its own time & in its own way. And nothing I did made any difference.

Of course we all wish for positive outcome, but it's not happening right NOW, & while she goes through what she has to, you need to be mindful to protect yourself as well.

I am glad that finances, legal matters, kids matters, are in order for you
Your emotions & feelings are next. Please take care of yourself.
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Unread 02-17-2017, 11:01 AM   #57
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Default Re: Marriage separation after deployment

Please,please stop listening to this word love, like it's the same thing you are feeling. It is being used as a leash to hold you in place while your wife spirals through her emotional crisis.

Why did she text you...that's easy.
The situation was out of her control and she wanted to lash out and knows you will take it. Her "friends " probably won't.
Your not her whipping boy, and if you want to maintain any sanity you need to stop attaching to this love word.
Since the beginning of time people have thrown that word around to get what they want. This is no difference.

" I love you.....we but here are all the things I can't stand about you, and all the ways you made me miserable."

Yet again avoiding any inclination to take responsibility for her own situation.
Everything she wrote there wE designed to be as painful as possible.
I suggested this may happen when you refused to play her games.
Well what I said is her reactions would tell.

You aren't leaving, like I suspected she wanted. So now she lashes out because your upsetting her plans.

Steel yourself,because I suspect it's going to get uglier than this.

Please take care. Protect yourself.
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Unread 02-17-2017, 04:11 PM   #58
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Default Re: Marriage separation after deployment

Thank you for the comments. I agree with your opinions on the situation. It's hard to disconnect when you have kids. I get them almost everyday, so I have to see and deal with her. My son was crying to her last night, saying they wished we all lived together. She plain out told him "No". She told me to "stop giving them false hopes". I told her if she didn't plan on living with me anymore, why didn't you tell me this as an adult? She never responded back. All she can say to me when she does open up is everything I done wrong, how she found this sense of happiness and life again. I just don't understand why she just doesn't file for divorce. It would clear a whole lot of this up if that's how she really feels. I didn't want to initiate it, cause I'm not the one with all these problems. She's telling me she's not looking for or cheating on me. She said she gave me "numerous" chances and she fed up with everything. She will send me memes that say "When you hurt me, you force me to grow, when I out grow that hurt....I out grow you. True love is not suppose to hurt". And she sends other memes too. I know everything looks bleak. I just don't know how much time to give. I know she is going to school, working 2 jobs and taking care of the kids. She does hang out with friends sometimes. I just wish I could jump in her head to know what's going on. Me personally, I am starting to accept the fact that things are the way the are being separated but I just need to know where this is going before I give up and call it a day. Im trying to be as patient as a man can be but how much time is enough time???
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Unread 02-17-2017, 04:14 PM   #59
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Default Re: Marriage separation after deployment

If I set up a deadline, then she will think I'm controlling and that's one of the issues she had with me in the first place. I'm just a rock in a hard spot now. I know I could file for divorce and end it, but will that really make me happy, No. I still love her with hopes she will let her guard down and let me in her life again. I know it's a gamble and she even said it will never be the same again. Maybe I'm just an idiot....I just don't know anymore.
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Unread 02-17-2017, 06:22 PM   #60
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Default Re: Marriage separation after deployment

I don't think you should depend too much on her mother as your source of spiritual guidance. Find a good faith community to join.

It might be best to just let some months roll on, without committing to anything final. When a year goes by, see if she files. If she doesn't, then consider filing yourself. But wait till then. This way your son will have a chance to understand that you are not the one walking out on the family.
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