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Unread 01-10-2017, 05:00 PM   #191
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Default Here we go again with H not going to work so he can look for another job!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mapper View Post
I need him to tell me "It's okay if you're upset with me. It's okay if you had a bad day. It's okay if you speak your mind and it's not what I think. I'm not going to leave you or disown you. I'll still love you." If he would tell me that and follow through with that, it would be such a relief, but as it is now, simply telling him I'm upset or simply showing it would send him through the roof and he would immediately turn something around on me like "Oh great, I'm the cause of all your grief aren't I? Well you're just like everyone else who is out to get me. Fine, be mad at me, see if I care! I don't need you or anyone else. You mine as well go hang out with my daughter then because she seems to feel the same way about me". It would somehow turn into being all about what a bad person I must make him out to be rather than me just simply telling him I want to be upset without feeling like I'm a bad person.

I need him to listen to me when I tell him I'm upset about something he's doing or not doing and understand my point of view and let me talk. Not immediately turn it around and have him find something about me that upsets him and interrupt me and tell me all the things I've done in the past month that upset him. Nothing gets accomplished that way, it just takes the spotlight off of him and then I think "Wow, I must have acted horribly this past month. I'm so sorry".


You do realize you're in a abusive relationship, right?

He is verbally and emotional abusing you and stomping down any sign of you wanting to be able to talk about things.

Verbal and emotional abuse is just as damaging as physical , which in this case could happen.

Until these last few posts from you I thought you just had petty stuff and nonsense arguing going.

The fact that you are so ******scared ***of his reactions is due to being abused by him.

Is the reason you can't leave due to his reaction and your fear of upsetting him if you tried?

There is help you can stop the abuse. YOU take that hard first step by reaching out for help, you are strong enough for this.
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Unread 01-10-2017, 05:42 PM   #192
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Default Re: Here we go again with H not going to work so he can look for another job!

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Originally Posted by ~Christina View Post
You do realize you're in a abusive relationship, right?

He is verbally and emotional abusing you and stomping down any sign of you wanting to be able to talk about things.

Verbal and emotional abuse is just as damaging as physical , which in this case could happen.

Until these last few posts from you I thought you just had petty stuff and nonsense arguing going.

The fact that you are so ******scared ***of his reactions is due to being abused by him.

Is the reason you can't leave due to his reaction and your fear of upsetting him if you tried?

There is help you can stop the abuse. YOU take that hard first step by reaching out for help, you are strong enough for this.
Partially not leaving because it's just overwhelming to me to start over and go through the whole divorce thing and easier to just stay with the status quo. Also, because I would not want to be around him if I even remotely hinted at it because he would find a way to shift all the blame on me and make me feel horrible and anything I'd say would be turned against me.
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Unread 01-10-2017, 06:40 PM   #193
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Default Re: Here we go again with H not going to work so he can look for another job!

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Originally Posted by Mapper View Post
Partially not leaving because it's just overwhelming to me to start over and go through the whole divorce thing and easier to just stay with the status quo. Also, because I would not want to be around him if I even remotely hinted at it because he would find a way to shift all the blame on me and make me feel horrible and anything I'd say would be turned against me.
You don't seem to understand though that the temporary discomfort of dealing with a divorce and his bad attitude would be followed by the permanent breath of fresh air of never having to deal with him again. I find it hard to believe that you are willing to put very temporary calm and quiet (that you don't have anyways) over being happy with your life.

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Treatments I've done: CBT, DBT, Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS), Talk therapy, psychotherapy, exercise, diet, sleeping more, sleeping less...
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Unread 01-10-2017, 06:57 PM   #194
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Default Re: Here we go again with H not going to work so he can look for another job!

I left my ex (granted we weren't married but lived together longer than you were living with your husband), I left him at 48, he frankly wasn't nearly as bad and was a loving person and hard working but he had drinking problem, that's why I wouldn't marry and that's why it got too much for me, I was losing my mind. Daily drinking just doesn't fit into my life style. It was hard to leave him but I did.

At 49 I met my future husband and we got married at 50. We are having a blast, never been more content with my life. You aren't even 45! Why waste your time. Of course it is your choice but if you worry about age, there is nothing to worry about.
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Unread 01-11-2017, 07:55 AM   #195
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Default Re: Here we go again with H not going to work so he can look for another job!

You can develop better skills at handling conflict so his tactic won't work on you of turning things around to make you feel like you are wrong (gaslighting). What he is doing is an abuse tactic to stun and cripple his victim (YOU). His ultimate goal is to take you for all your money. I said it in an earlier post on this thread, too.
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Unread 01-11-2017, 05:18 PM   #196
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Default Re: Here we go again with H not going to work so he can look for another job!

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You can develop better skills at handling conflict so his tactic won't work on you of turning things around to make you feel like you are wrong (gaslighting). What he is doing is an abuse tactic to stun and cripple his victim (YOU). His ultimate goal is to take you for all your money. I said it in an earlier post on this thread, too.
He treats mapper like she is his sugar mamma supporting him and his addictions/bad habits. Embarrassing. At least if he treated her well. But he isn't very nice. No shame. Mapper could do way better
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Unread 01-11-2017, 08:49 PM   #197
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Default Re: Here we go again with H not going to work so he can look for another job!

Mapper, do you only reply here when at work ? Are you scared to use the Internet on PC at home ? In case he sees you doing this ?

Just wondering
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Unread 01-11-2017, 10:05 PM   #198
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Default Re: Here we go again with H not going to work so he can look for another job!

I don't think she's afraid of him in that way...I think she more gets annoyed with how he belittles her.

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My Dx: PTSD, Severe Chronic Treatment Resistant Major Depressive Disorder, Panic Disorder with Agoraphobia.

Meds I've tried: Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, Effexor, Remeron, Elavil, Wellbutrin, Risperidone, Abilify, Prazosin, Paxil, Trazadone, Tramadol, Topomax, Xanax, Propranolol, Valium, Visteril...

Treatments I've done: CBT, DBT, Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS), Talk therapy, psychotherapy, exercise, diet, sleeping more, sleeping less...
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Unread 01-11-2017, 11:03 PM   #199
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Default Re: Here we go again with H not going to work so he can look for another job!

Does your first post still stand true, that this is a venting post and you do not want advice?

Just looking for clarification. Thanks. Couldn't read 20 pages.
 
Unread 01-12-2017, 05:52 AM   #200
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Default Re: Here we go again with H not going to work so he can look for another job!

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I don't think she's afraid of him in that way...I think she more gets annoyed with how he belittles her.

Seesaw
I think it's more than being annoyed. She says she walks on eggshells and can't focus at work because she worries that he will become mad about something when she goes home. She also is afraid of his reaction if she goes somewhere and does something. It doesn't mean she is afraid of physical assault but she is still experience lots of anxiety and fear over his behavior and his reactions to something he perceives she does wrong. She is afraid to tell him what she feels. It's more than annoyance.
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