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Old 03-21-2019, 09:47 AM #1
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Default Am I standing up for myself or being naive?

Lately, every conversation my partner and I have becomes a fight. At least, according to him. Any time I try to express my feelings or discuss something that has any amount of seriousness to it, he says ďIím not fighting with youĒ and walks off.

It makes me feel very unheard. He is depressed and will often be incredibly short or downright mean to me. I have BPD and struggle with my mood too, but I donít ever use that as an excuse to be mean. Heís said horrible things to me and justified it as ďa fightĒ so he can say what he wants. And if those hurt my feelings, Iím the one the blame.

Recently, he told me heís going back to work after being off for disability for over a year. He told me heíd only go back if he could take a job where heís gone 2-3 weeks at a time. From personally experience, I know this wonít work for me. I donít want someone I see maybe once a month. Iíve done that. I couldnít force myself to be okay with it. Itís not that itís him. Itíd be anyone. So I told him that I support him in doing what will make him happy. If being gone makes him happy, I think he should do it. But I donít know if itís something I will be able to do long term in the relationship. He lashed out and told me I was dictating his life and that i am asking him to sacrifice his happiness. He then refused to talk to me at all and hasnít for two days.

Somehow this is my fault? Because I know what I canít live with? When I met him, that was one of the things I told him. I got divorced for that reason. My ex was gone 4 days, home 3, gone 3, home 4. I just... couldnít make it work. Being left home to man the fort and still work full time was maddening. I felt alone but I was married. And even though I had friends, I wanted my husband. I didnít want the money. I wanted a warm body. I needed that support.

And soó now I am faced with the potential end to this relationship. And somehow itís my fault. Because I am dictating a life. When all Iím trying to do is dictate mine and preventing what I know will make me incredibly unhappy.

My therapist said I should tell him to take the job and just tell him weíll see how it goes. But I feel like if he does... I donít want him in my life. There are very few things I am selfish about but I know what will trigger me and being in a relationship with an absent partner is a huge trigger.

I need some neutral insight here.
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Old 03-21-2019, 10:13 AM #2
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Default Re: Am I standing up for myself or being naive?

first of all dictating a life would be outright telling him that he cannot do what he wants to do. YOu have not done so, you've been clear that this is not something you want in a relationship and that's fair. So if him wanting to be a way 2 to 3 weeks a month on a job is what he wants, his take is that you're supposed to mold your expectations to what he wants and that's ok, but you're not allowed to have your own expectations based on your values or needs? Now really, who would be dictating anyones life if that's the case? think about that.


Secondly, as you've stated this is not new information to him. It's not that just at this moment he was made aware that you can't do the 1x a month being together thing and you've said that's what you've said from the start. He has no basis for his acting shocked about this but once again, it's expecting you to have changed your views and values since the beginning til now. Now that he wants that it's supposed to be ok with you - again, this is HIM expecting you to mold in a way to fit HIS desires.


A loving relationship and a loving person looks out not just for themselves but considers the partner's needs too, sometimes even before their own. This is not happening in your relationship.


Who in a commited and strong relatship has a stipulation that they get a job where they require it to keep them away for 2 to 3 weeks out of the month? I'm sorry but for me if I am commited and in a relationship with someone I want to be able to be there at all costs and I work around that premise. this sounds even more like he's not a good fit for you.


Even without him taking a job that takes him away for much of the time, I'd say you should continue with the consideration of ending this relationship. He's not at all committed to making it work nor is he thinking of your needs, values and expectations.
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Old 03-21-2019, 05:56 PM #3
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Default Re: Am I standing up for myself or being naive?

I agree with the above thoughts. You have not dictated his life, you've told him to do what makes him happy. All you've done is say what you are not willing to do, which is is totally reasonable. He honestly seems a bit volatile and unreasonable. I don't like that he's mean to you. And telling you he doesn't want to fight if you're just expressing you feelings? This doesn't sound good either or healthy to me. Relationships are a two-way street, and people have to be able to discuss issues and feelings. He seems difficult.

If it were me, I'd let him stew in his own juices and not contact him for a while. Whatever you do, don't take the blame for something that he's turned around on you.
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Last edited by Have Hope; 03-21-2019 at 06:33 PM.
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Old 03-22-2019, 12:53 PM #4
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Default Re: Am I standing up for myself or being naive?

Thank you for the replies. I am relieved to know that I didn't read this situation entirely wrong. I make real efforts to not tell anyone what they can or can't do. Because who am I to have that say? But I am not going to say they can do anything and there not be consequences to our relationship. I felt really betrayed when he told me this and even more hurt that he would turn this around and make this about me being selfish. I think he really needs to assess his own priorities. I imagine there are folks out there that would welcome their partner being gone all the time. Some people like that sort of flexibility and independence. But I just don't. If I wanted that much flexibility and independence, I'd rather be single. There's nothing worse to me than being in a committed relationship and never seeing the person. Because if I do go and have fun or make friends or do things without them, A) they have typically gotten jealous or feel threatened and/or B) I am having fun without them- so why am I keeping them around? What benefit are they to me? I was typically very insecure and its taken a lot of therapy to get me to even advocate for myself in a relationship. This is certainly triggering those inferior responses of "I'm a horrible person, I should be glad I have anyone, I don't deserve anything, I have no say". And that is negative self-talk and I need to stop it.
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Old 03-23-2019, 02:30 AM #5
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Default Re: Am I standing up for myself or being naive?

There is nothing worse for you than being in a committed relationship with someone who is routinely absent, and yet both guys you have discussed here want/accept that kind of absence in their relationship. Perhaps it would be useful to discuss in therapy how it happens that you end up in relationships with guys who seem to want the opposite of what you want.
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Old 03-23-2019, 06:17 AM #6
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Default Re: Am I standing up for myself or being naive?

He sounds very selfish and unhappy, and your needs are just as important. You are not dictating his life, you are dictating yours.
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Old 03-23-2019, 07:15 AM #7
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Default Re: Am I standing up for myself or being naive?

Hi Jaymoq,

Iím sorry you are having difficult relationships. I can relate.

It sounds like your partner wants to check out by getting too busy with work. You said you fight often.

I had a relationship where I discussed, argued, fought over my partner not meeting my extremely few and critical needs. Nothing I said ever got him to change his uncaring ways. Ultimately, I was seen by him and others close to us (our kids!) as something so negative, I now feel shamed.

Your title of this thread triggers that Ďstanding up for myselfí was what I was doing when I was angry and argumentative. In hindsight, I shouldnít have fought for so long. I wished I had accepted that this person had no intention of meeting my needs and sacrificing anything or making any effort for me, and bravely moved on ending the marriage. Thatís standing up for yourself!
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Old 03-23-2019, 07:33 AM #8
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Default Re: Am I standing up for myself or being naive?

Is he in the career field that requires being gone a lot like he works on oil refineries engineer or is a pilot or military? Then itís understandable he has no choce. If not then he deliberately looks for a job that would keep him out of the house and make him unavailable. I wonder if you are attracted to unavailable men as both men just donít want to be fully there? Like one foot in and one out? Iíd address it with your therapist
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Old 03-23-2019, 07:33 AM #9
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Default Re: Am I standing up for myself or being naive?

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, jaymoq I agree with what all the others have already wisely said better than I ever could. You've been given some great advice. I'd suggest to follow it if you can. I'll try not to repeat it too much. It's NOT your fault all of this is happening to you. You've made your desires and needs clear to him since you started this relationship, and he's not willing to respect them. You're not dictating anything in his life, you're just making your voice heard, and you have every right to do that! Being commited in a relationship and not having your partner around can be very hard and it's perfectly valid that you'd feel this way about this. I agree with what all the others have already wisely said about ending this relationship. You may want to consider it if he's not respectful of your feelings and needs. You deserve much better than this! You deserve to be happy and to be loved just like everyone else does! Please don't give up! Try to hang on! Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, jaymoq. You're a strong, wonderful person. I'm sure you'll be able to get through all of this. Stay strong. Stay safe and take care of yourself. Just try to do your best. That's all you can do after all, and it's more than enough! You're awesome! You're strong! You're a warrior! I believe in you! We all believe in you! We're all rooting for you! Believe in yourself! I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. You don't deserve to suffer at all!
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Old 03-29-2019, 01:08 PM #10
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Default Re: Am I standing up for myself or being naive?

Thanks everyone. I am definitely discussing this with my therapist. It seems like a cruel joke that this is how this relationship would go. When we met, he said he'd never go back to working away from home. It was too hard on him. That's why he quit in the first place. And I thought "Oh great, because that is not something I want."


And now, this. Need to leave.


Its exhausting.


The job is driving a truck. There are definitely jobs locally. There is no reason to go over-the-road except making a little bit more money and the freedom of the open road. Which I suspect is what he's looking for.


Yet again I find myself being duped by another person. In to believing the words they say.


But if I can't believe them- how do I live? I am so tired of dishonesty. I am tired of deceit. I am tired of putting my faith in to anyone.


And so, I find myself yet again facing the concept of being alone. And that stinks. And I can't help but consider all these mentions of "Well you keep finding these guys..." as a way to point out its my fault. I'm the broken one. I'm the messed up one. I deserve this.


And that is the sort of negative self-talk my therapist is trying to get me to stop. But maybe its right. Maybe I am just....stupid. NaÔve. I sabotage myself. I intentionally select mates that are horrible because I believe I deserve horror.


A man tried to kill me once before and I just don't know if I've ever recovered from believing that I shouldn't be here.
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