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Old 03-21-2019, 05:58 PM #11
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Default Re: My girlfriend is upset because I don't want her to touch me.

Itís an issue of what you both want your sexuality to be like. She has a deep need for the way she wants it. Her need is annoying to you (I donít blame you! Iíd hate what you described at the sink.). So you both have to find some compromise, or it will be a deal breaker.

In my issue, he has always been receptive and agreed to what I need. The only problem is he just wonít act upon it. Frustrating and futile. We must be codependent.

But your relationship is new and you are very young. You are just learning about what you need and like, too.
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Old 03-21-2019, 07:11 PM #12
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Default Re: My girlfriend is upset because I don't want her to touch me.

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Originally Posted by Have Hope View Post
There doesn't seem to be a reasonable compromise to be made in your situation? Like you stated, what would it be?

I have a hard time understanding her hurt feelings. She needs to respect and appreciate your boundaries and sentiments. And it seems as though you totally enjoy intimacy with her otherwise.

I'm in agreement with Bill3 on this. To me, she is not fully respecting your personal boundaries and desires, even though she is complying with them. She seems to want what she wants which IS invasive. It does seem a bit manipulative on her part to tell you that she's hurt & to say that she's afraid to initiate sex because of you possibly disliking whatever she is doing, despite your obvious enjoyment of it.

Her hurt feelings are not your responsibility, in my opinion. That's a burden on you to take care of her emotional needs when you're drawing a boundary to take care of yours. And you're happier. That's what she should focus on.

Something seems off about this, but I cannot pinpoint what it is.
Yeah. I have a very hard time understanding why it's so devastating to her. I know she wants to put her hands on my breasts and whatever often, and I get that it may be kind of annoying that she can't, but all the tears confuse me. She said this morning that she wants to feel "close" to me but we were like snuggling when she said that and I was like, what?? We are close. Why does her hand need to be on my crotch or breasts for us to be close? I snuggle with her all the time...I wish I could understand exactly why it is so important to her.

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How old is your girlfriend? I just realized that you are very young. 20-21? Is she older? How is your relationship otherwise? What do you two do together besides sex?
She's 24, I'm 20. We live together, and have for about eight months... Have been together for about a year and a half. We love each other a ton and do lots of stuff together: go out on dinner dates, out with each other's friends, see music together, shop, etc...Just live life I suppose. I love spending time with her; we are each other's favorite person. And I can say that honestly from both sides. I know how much she genuinely cares for me, and she has never once said anything hurtful to me...Just a very caring relationship overall.
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Old 03-21-2019, 07:13 PM #13
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Default Re: My girlfriend is upset because I don't want her to touch me.

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Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
Itís an issue of what you both want your sexuality to be like. She has a deep need for the way she wants it. Her need is annoying to you (I donít blame you! Iíd hate what you described at the sink.). So you both have to find some compromise, or it will be a deal breaker.

In my issue, he has always been receptive and agreed to what I need. The only problem is he just wonít act upon it. Frustrating and futile. We must be codependent.

But your relationship is new and you are very young. You are just learning about what you need and like, too.
Sorry to hear that! It sounds frustrating... I suppose it could be a habit he is having a hard time breaking.
And yes, she does, but I am the type of person that needs space, and I'm not afraid to assert that. That, and my body is sensitive.
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Old 03-21-2019, 07:21 PM #14
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Default Re: My girlfriend is upset because I don't want her to touch me.

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Yeah. I have a very hard time understanding why it's so devastating to her. I know she wants to put her hands on my breasts and whatever often, and I get that it may be kind of annoying that she can't, but all the tears confuse me. She said this morning that she wants to feel "close" to me but we were like snuggling when she said that and I was like, what?? We are close. Why does her hand need to be on my crotch or breasts for us to be close? I snuggle with her all the time...I wish I could understand exactly why it is so important to her.

That sort of feels like a form of control to me on her part..... I still cannot put my finger on it. Does she have trouble with boundaries in general and respecting your privacy or private time? Do you take any private time to yourself? To see your own friends for example or to do your own activities without her?

It does sound like she has trouble understanding and appreciating boundaries. Anyone who DOES understand personal boundaries wouldn't be so hurt by this, or in tears. It also seems very contradictory to be in tears about it when you are snuggling and cuddling being close.

I wonder if you could have a candid heart to heart with her about why it is so important to her? To hear her out and also to express to her why it's so important to you that she not touch you when you don't want to be touched? Perhaps you need to really talk it out more and hear each other's sides so as to come to more of an understanding together?
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Old 03-21-2019, 07:39 PM #15
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Default Re: My girlfriend is upset because I don't want her to touch me.

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That sort of feels like a form of control to me on her part..... I still cannot put my finger on it. Does she have trouble with boundaries in general and respecting your privacy or private time? Do you take any private time to yourself? To see your own friends for example or to do your own activities without her?

It does sound like she has trouble understanding and appreciating boundaries. Anyone who DOES understand personal boundaries wouldn't be so hurt by this, or in tears. It also seems very contradictory to be in tears about it when you are snuggling and cuddling being close.

I wonder if you could have a candid heart to heart with her about why it is so important to her? To hear her out and also to express to her why it's so important to you that she not touch you when you don't want to be touched? Perhaps you need to really talk it out more and hear each other's sides so as to come to more of an understanding together?
Haha, if you do put your finger on it, let me know! I'd love your insight. I do think she has some boundary issues, and I believe it's because her last girlfriend had low self esteem and pretty much did whatever she (my gf) wanted. That's the impression I got--I can't be sure. However, I am NOT like that one bit, and she seemed shocked by how stubborn I am about my boundaries. Lol.

I try often to have conversations with her about it, but she is not a very effective communicator. I generally have to breach the subject and then ask her very specific questions. It's really rare for her to just voice her mind without being prompted. I've asked her why she thinks it's so important, and she either shrugs, says that the relationship feels 'too platonic' without it, or that it just bothers her that she 'cant touch and be close to me'.
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Old 03-21-2019, 07:56 PM #16
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Default Re: My girlfriend is upset because I don't want her to touch me.

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Haha, if you do put your finger on it, let me know! I'd love your insight. I do think she has some boundary issues, and I believe it's because her last girlfriend had low self esteem and pretty much did whatever she (my gf) wanted. That's the impression I got--I can't be sure. However, I am NOT like that one bit, and she seemed shocked by how stubborn I am about my boundaries. Lol.

I try often to have conversations with her about it, but she is not a very effective communicator. I generally have to breach the subject and then ask her very specific questions. It's really rare for her to just voice her mind without being prompted. I've asked her why she thinks it's so important, and she either shrugs, says that the relationship feels 'too platonic' without it, or that it just bothers her that she 'cant touch and be close to me'.

LOL. Well, I do suspect this has to do with a general lack of boundaries, or respect for personal boundaries. She may not understand what that means within a relationship.

It just seems SO odd for her to feel that she is not close with you when she IS in fact close with you and cuddling. And that you want intimacy and enjoy it. It doesn't add up -- her feelings that is.

It's like she wants her way with you whenever SHE wants, and not according to what you want. Something is really off to me about that.

I know you said you are each other's favorite company and everything else is great, which is what seems so odd about this one aspect. There's a lack of respect going on here. Almost like she feels a sense of entitlement to YOUR body.
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Old 03-21-2019, 08:07 PM #17
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Default Re: My girlfriend is upset because I don't want her to touch me.

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it just bothers her that she 'cant touch and be close to me'.
It bothers me that she apparently is willfully misstating what you are saying.
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Old 03-21-2019, 08:30 PM #18
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Default Re: My girlfriend is upset because I don't want her to touch me.

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Haha, if you do put your finger on it, let me know! I'd love your insight. I do think she has some boundary issues, and I believe it's because her last girlfriend had low self esteem and pretty much did whatever she (my gf) wanted. That's the impression I got--I can't be sure. However, I am NOT like that one bit, and she seemed shocked by how stubborn I am about my boundaries. Lol.

I try often to have conversations with her about it, but she is not a very effective communicator. I generally have to breach the subject and then ask her very specific questions. It's really rare for her to just voice her mind without being prompted. I've asked her why she thinks it's so important, and she either shrugs, says that the relationship feels 'too platonic' without it, or that it just bothers her that she 'cant touch and be close to me'.
It doesn't sound like you're being so stubborn about your boundaries, in my opinion, just that you have healthy boundaries. She sounds like the stubborn one.

You gave a lot of good information in this post in my opinion. It sounds like she's used to getting her way. Were her parents like that too? Did they let her do whatever she wanted? Regardless, it sounds like she walked all over her previous gf, at least, that's the impression you got. You don't sound sure though. I wonder why?

What other people are saying here sounds correct. It sounds like she has an issue with boundaries. I hope you keep sticking to your boundaries.
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Old 03-21-2019, 08:32 PM #19
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Default Re: My girlfriend is upset because I don't want her to touch me.

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LOL. Well, I do suspect this has to do with a general lack of boundaries, or respect for personal boundaries. She may not understand what that means within a relationship.

It just seems SO odd for her to feel that she is not close with you when she IS in fact close with you and cuddling. And that you want intimacy and enjoy it. It doesn't add up -- her feelings that is.

It's like she wants her way with you whenever SHE wants, and not according to what you want. Something is really off to me about that.

I know you said you are each other's favorite company and everything else is great, which is what seems so odd about this one aspect. There's a lack of respect going on here. Almost like she feels a sense of entitlement to YOUR body.
Good post, Have Hope! I agree with your insights!
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Old 03-21-2019, 08:32 PM #20
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Default Re: My girlfriend is upset because I don't want her to touch me.

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Originally Posted by Have Hope View Post
LOL. Well, I do suspect this has to do with a general lack of boundaries, or respect for personal boundaries. She may not understand what that means within a relationship.

It just seems SO odd for her to feel that she is not close with you when she IS in fact close with you and cuddling. And that you want intimacy and enjoy it. It doesn't add up -- her feelings that is.

It's like she wants her way with you whenever SHE wants, and not according to what you want. Something is really off to me about that.

I know you said you are each other's favorite company and everything else is great, which is what seems so odd about this one aspect. There's a lack of respect going on here. Almost like she feels a sense of entitlement to YOUR body.
Yes, I get the feeling of entitlement too. Maybe possessiveness? I really don't know. To me, it is strange, because if she told me that touching her in some way made her uncomfortable i wouldn't want to touch her like that...because I don't want to make her uncomfortable. I'm trying to like pick her brain to understand what underlying meaning it has for her. I don't want her to feel rejected, or like she has to be on eggshells around me.
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