Psych Central

Go Back   Forums at Psych Central > >



advertisement
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 02-22-2019, 10:15 PM   #11
Skull&Crossbones
Member
 
Skull&Crossbones's Avatar
Skull&Crossbones has no updates.
 
Member Since: Apr 2018
Location: United States
Posts: 221
Default Re: How do you get over the loss of an attachment figure?

I need you. I need someone. You were all that I had. You knew that.

I would have never abandoned you if you needed me. I promised. I KEPT MY promises.

Where are you? Can I talk to you? Was still being my friend a lie too?

Why?

What do I have to do? Who do I have to be?
Skull&Crossbones is offline   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Hugs from:

advertisement
Old 02-23-2019, 04:34 AM   #12
luvyrself
Veteran Member
luvyrself has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2015
Location: Phoenix
Posts: 661
3 yr Member
60 hugs
given
Default Re: How do you get over the loss of an attachment figure?

I am going through this now myself. I think you have to find activities and friendships that make you happy in your life whether you have a significant other or not.
I am very introverted and also isolate to some degree to prevent associating with the wrong people from triggering my disorder. Well, I recently did that and let the wrong person in, handled things inappropriately from my end, he shut things down, and it hurts like hell. We just werenít a match, but I still wanted it because I was so infatuated by some of his traits. But I am now trying to think more with my head, and less with my hormones, and go more slowly.
Years ago I made a list of everything I wanted in a relationship and I found the person who has been a great father to my son and lasting friend for 40 years. Things werenít good enough to prevnt a divorce (I divorced him) but bipolar is very complicated and I would now only want someone who truly understands bipolar. I marvel at how supportive some of the partners of some people on this forum are. If you keep putting yourself out there, hold on to what you want and donít settle, boost your self esteem by making friends and pursuing your music and your teaching, I think things well get easier.
We care about you. Keep posting.
luvyrself is offline   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Hugs from:
Old 02-23-2019, 07:33 AM   #13
MickeyCheeky
Wise Elder
 
MickeyCheeky's Avatar
MickeyCheeky My echo is the only voice coming back
 
Member Since: Jun 2016
Location: Italy
Posts: 9,116 (SuperPoster!)
My Mood: How do you get over the loss of an attachment figure?

2 yr Member
27k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: How do you get over the loss of an attachment figure?

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, Skulls&Crossbones It must be really hard for you. I'm so sorry. I agree with what all the others ahve already wisely said better than I ever could. You've been given some wonderful advice in this. I'd suggest to try to follow it if you can. It certainly takes a lot of time to grieve. Take all the time you need it. Take it one step at the time. Take baby steps. I'm sure many people can relate to what you wrote. Especially those here on PC. Just try to focus on yourself for now. Try to do something nice for yourself. Treat yourself well. That's all you can do for now. Please don't be so hard on yourself. There's absolutely nothing wrong with you. You're wonderful just the way you are. It's not easy to find someone who will truly accept us for who we really are. That's why so many people are struggling with their relationship. But that doesn't mean it's impossible! It can be done. Please don't give up. I'm sure you will be able to find someone tha truly loves you and cares about you. Don't give up hope! Just focus on yourself for now. That's the best way to find someone who loves you. Try to be content with yourself first. That's the most important thing to do, I believe. I'm glad you're seeing a therapist. I hope he/she will be able to help you. You could learn new ways to cope with your feelings. You could also learn new ways to grieve your loss. I hope you'll be able to get the help you need and deserve. You deserve to get better and to feel good. You deserve to live a good life just like everyone else. I'm so sorry, I know it's hard. I hope you'll feel better soon. It won't be easy. It will take time. It won't be easy. But it can be done. Try to hang on. You can do this! You're strong, I know that. I believe in you. I'm here for you if you need to talk about it. You know I won't judge you. If it can help a bit... we're here for you. Feel free to vent here ar much as you want. We'll listen to what you have to say. We all care about you here. We all love you here. You know we won't judge you here. You're a wonderful person just the way you are. Stay strong, Skulls&Crossbones. Stay safe and take care of yourself. You deserve to get better. I know things seem pretty bad right now, but trust me when i say that they can get better. Things won't stay like this forever. They can and will get better. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this
MickeyCheeky is online now   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Hugs from:
Old 02-23-2019, 12:53 PM   #14
Skull&Crossbones
Member
 
Skull&Crossbones's Avatar
Skull&Crossbones has no updates.
 
Member Since: Apr 2018
Location: United States
Posts: 221
Default Re: How do you get over the loss of an attachment figure?

The only thing I want to do is work more and I can't because of how classes are scheduled and I need the classes to get the better job anyway. Being in school ruins a lot of things I would enjoy otherwise. I can't read for fun because I don't have time and I don't have the mental energy after reading what I need for school and having to write little mini-essays over virtually every reading. What's even the use? There's so much information that I can't possibly absorb it all and it takes me all day to force myself to absorb as much as possible. I used to play video games, but they either get frustrating, I get too emotionally involved (in RPG's) or I don't feel right spending time on that when I have 5 million other things that need to be done before I get behind.

And friends...how does one even develop decent friendships? Especially when one's life changes drastically from year to year? Basically, I always get cut off from people before I feel comfortable enough to contact them and talk to them outside of in person. And the "friendships" I make are all based on someone using the hell out of me. I don't mind being helpful and I don't mind doing favors...but that's all the relationships are based on.

And it's not needing to meet new people. I don't connect with people I have things in common with so meeting new people will just lead to me knowing more people that I don't connect with and am not really friends with.

And I'm also not an introvert. I love being surrounded by people and chaos. My favorite days this semester are show choir rehearsal Saturdays and show choir competition days, just because I'm surrounded by people and chaos all day. I am shy and very uncomfortable around people so that's about the only way I can get that need fulfilled. Most people don't realize I talk until they're around me a while.

It's rare for me to get close to people at all, especially since I tend to be rejected at least partly because I'm queer. My ex never tried to understand the gender part and I felt like I had to erase my gender identity just because he was offended by my dysphoria and did not like some of my naturally more male physical characteristics (I just naturally produce more of those hormones). Then there's the whole I started wearing more men's clothes and his mom was asking him if I was transgender. And based on his answer, I find out how little he understands any of this.

I don't know...my point is I have no idea who's safe to get close to. And what's the point if no one can see me as I am.
Skull&Crossbones is offline   Reply With Quote
Hugs from:
Old 02-26-2019, 07:55 PM   #15
Skull&Crossbones
Member
 
Skull&Crossbones's Avatar
Skull&Crossbones has no updates.
 
Member Since: Apr 2018
Location: United States
Posts: 221
Default Re: How do you get over the loss of an attachment figure?

He at least partially met some basic needs like love and belonging...what do I do to get my needs met now? Or ever, for that matter.
Skull&Crossbones is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-27-2019, 12:09 AM   #16
ennie
Veteran Member
 
ennie's Avatar
ennie has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2018
Location: United States of America
Posts: 579 (SuperPoster!)
My Mood: How do you get over the loss of an attachment figure?

1,076 hugs
given
Default Re: How do you get over the loss of an attachment figure?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Skull&Crossbones View Post
And the "friendships" I make are all based on someone using the hell out of me. I don't mind being helpful and I don't mind doing favors...but that's all the relationships are based on.

And it's not needing to meet new people. I don't connect with people I have things in common with so meeting new people will just lead to me knowing more people that I don't connect with and am not really friends with.
It takes time to develop close friendships and relationships with people. In the mean time, you can have casual friendships with people, meaning going to hangout and have a social life so you are not isolated.

Once you determine that your friends are safe and will not use you, you can deepen your friendship with them.

If you don't enjoy their company, maybe you can enjoy whatever interest you share in common. For example, if you go to a concert with them, try to enjoy the music and practice being in the moment. And who knows, even people you don't connect with at first, you may connect with them as you get to know them better. Give them a chance and let them give you a chance.
ennie is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 02-27-2019, 11:09 PM   #17
Skull&Crossbones
Member
 
Skull&Crossbones's Avatar
Skull&Crossbones has no updates.
 
Member Since: Apr 2018
Location: United States
Posts: 221
Default Re: How do you get over the loss of an attachment figure?

The problem is that it never really gets to the hanging out part. I usually associate with people through work or meet-up type groups. On occasion, I'm invited to something outside of that. There never seems to be enough consistency to build any sort of relationship. At least for me. The other people seem to become great friends with everyone else in the group and I'm sort of just left out.

It also seems dangerous to me to develop any amount of emotional intimacy with someone as I usually start wanting a romantic relationship with them. I guess I want a partner as much as if not more than just a platonic best friend. I mean, I'm not sure how else to get needs for touch, affection, and close emotional intimacy than with a partner.
Skull&Crossbones is offline   Reply With Quote
Hugs from:
Old 03-03-2019, 08:18 PM   #18
ennie
Veteran Member
 
ennie's Avatar
ennie has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2018
Location: United States of America
Posts: 579 (SuperPoster!)
My Mood: How do you get over the loss of an attachment figure?

1,076 hugs
given
Default Re: How do you get over the loss of an attachment figure?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Skull&Crossbones View Post
The problem is that it never really gets to the hanging out part. I usually associate with people through work or meet-up type groups. On occasion, I'm invited to something outside of that. There never seems to be enough consistency to build any sort of relationship. At least for me. The other people seem to become great friends with everyone else in the group and I'm sort of just left out.

It also seems dangerous to me to develop any amount of emotional intimacy with someone as I usually start wanting a romantic relationship with them. I guess I want a partner as much as if not more than just a platonic best friend. I mean, I'm not sure how else to get needs for touch, affection, and close emotional intimacy than with a partner.
I understand. I'm sorry this is hard on you...I don't have a recommendation for an immediate solution to this (just thought making friends is better than being alone). But I'm wishing the best for you, that the right person will come at the right timing.
ennie is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 03-03-2019, 08:33 PM   #19
Skull&Crossbones
Member
 
Skull&Crossbones's Avatar
Skull&Crossbones has no updates.
 
Member Since: Apr 2018
Location: United States
Posts: 221
Default Re: How do you get over the loss of an attachment figure?

Making friends would be better than being alone. I just don't know how to do that either. I'm almost to the point that I'm not comfortable opening up or being myself around most people because I've lost important relationships partly because of who I am and because people think that's wrong or can't see me the way I see me. It's too much of a risk to be truly authentic around people, therefore I don't get close to people and don't have close friends.
Skull&Crossbones is offline   Reply With Quote
Hugs from:
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 06:02 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.




advertisement

 

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice,
diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider. .
Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.

 

HomeAbout UsContact UsPrivacy PolicyTerms of UseDisclaimer
Forums HomeCommunity GuidelinesHelp


 
Helplines and Lifelines