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Old 02-21-2019, 11:15 PM   #161
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Default Re: Husband Walked Out

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Originally Posted by Doglover6335 View Post
I tried telling him that this is a huge overreaction to what I did, but he says itís the quantity of how often I get upset and freak out. Now Iím starting to feel insecure and think maybe heís right; maybe I have pushed him to the limit. He also mentioned divorce and said ďweíll talk about itĒ because ďour relationship is basically over now anywayĒ

Can you try this? When he is calm some time, ask if you can have a chat. Sit next to him, not opposite. Try something like: "I love and respect you babe. I see that you are unhappy. As your wife and closest friend I of course want you to be happy and well. I heard you when you said things are basically over. I am now seeing that you've been unhappy for a while now. I'm sorry I couldn't see that before. That must have been really hard for you, maybe even lonely. I see your unhappiness now and I am ready to help. I am not sure how best to help you and I want to understand your point of view. I think we need to go back a few steps in order to develop an understanding of our problems...before we got to this point today. When you are comfortable (that need not be right now) I am ready to listen to how you've been feeling. Let's stay calm and respectful toward each other. Let's hear each other out."

Maybe try to avoid evaluating his behaviors as a "huge overreaction" etc. Even though that could be true from your perspective, from his perspective it possibly felt justified...the phrasing could be hurtful to him and possibly trigger more anger and stonewalling. Try coming from a non-judgmental place of listening and understanding if you can.
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Old 02-21-2019, 11:17 PM   #162
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He's NOT right. He's just trying to make you scared. Trying to provoke you into being upset, then, dollars to donuts, he'd say, "See!" That's straight up nasty manipulation there.

Hold strong. We're in your corner.
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Old 02-21-2019, 11:23 PM   #163
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Default Re: Husband Walked Out

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Originally Posted by HopefullyLost1211 View Post
Can you try this? When he is calm some time, ask if you can have a chat. Sit next to him, not opposite. Try something like: "I love and respect you babe. I see that you are unhappy. As your wife and closest friend I of course want you to be happy and well. I heard you when you said things are basically over. I am now seeing that you've been unhappy for a while now. I'm sorry I couldn't see that before. That must have been really hard for you, maybe even lonely. I see your unhappiness now and I am ready to help. I am not sure how best to help you and I want to understand your point of view. I think we need to go back a few steps in order to develop an understanding of our problems...before we got to this point today. When you are comfortable (that need not be right now) I am ready to listen to how you've been feeling. Let's stay calm and respectful toward each other. Let's hear each other out."

Maybe try to avoid evaluating his behaviors as a "huge overreaction" etc. Even though that could be true from your perspective, from his perspective it possibly felt justified...the phrasing could be hurtful to him and possibly trigger more anger and stonewalling. Try coming from a non-judgmental place of listening and understanding if you can.
Wow, this gave me a whole new perspective. You are absolutely right, maybe he doesnít see it the same way as me. I hope he will let me talk to him so that I can say those things to him.
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Old 02-21-2019, 11:25 PM   #164
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Default Re: Husband Walked Out

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Originally Posted by Innerzone View Post
He's NOT right. He's just trying to make you scared. Trying to provoke you into being upset, then, dollars to donuts, he'd say, "See!" That's straight up nasty manipulation there.

Hold strong. We're in your corner.
So you donít think maybe Iíve pushed him here by constantly getting upset and freaking out? Because Iím starting to get scared and thinking maybe I do deserve this. I donít know if I would want to deal with me either 😕
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Old 02-21-2019, 11:26 PM   #165
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Default Re: Husband Walked Out

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Wow, this gave me a whole new perspective. You are absolutely right, maybe he doesnít see it the same way as me. I hope he will let me talk to him so that I can say those things to him.
Space and time first, right? The talk will only go well when you are both calm, ready, and able to stay calm throughout. Perhaps he's in a panic too about the situation and acting out is his way of dealing with his panic?? I don't know him. Just an idea.
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Old 02-21-2019, 11:29 PM   #166
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Anger is often an expression of underlying fear. Just something to think about.

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Old 02-21-2019, 11:43 PM   #167
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Me too. This sounds concerning.
Me three. Your husbandís response, behavior, replies, and lack of understanding/emotional support are red flags and unacceptable, in my opinion.
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Old 02-22-2019, 12:13 AM   #168
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Default Re: Husband Walked Out

Read many threads here to see what is happening to people in long term marriages and relationships; you just might decide that you are getting early clues and that it is better to cut this cord now than have it escalate. Just read and absorb - it would be beyond educational.
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Old 02-22-2019, 02:48 AM   #169
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Many people in bad marriages saw red flags as early as during engagement, their own wedding, and honeymoon. Yet they rationalized it or were in denial or felt they canít leave because of kids or were afraid to be alone or quickly became financially dependent on their spouses so they stay for many years: 20, 30, 40 etc

Do you want to be in the same boat 30 years from now? You are very young. You donít even need to be married at your age. Certainly donít need to be miserable

I donít agree wuth people who want you to focus on cuddling him and helping him to see the light so to speak. Analyzing why people do what they do is a waste of time because we might never get an answer. We can only analyze WHY we do what we do and control our actions, not other peopleís

Anyone who behaves like he does after only a month of marriage is not marriage material, at least not now. I believe your focus should be solely on improving YOUR own life, your health, your safety and your future. Take focus off him
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Old 02-22-2019, 04:37 AM   #170
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Default Re: Husband Walked Out

Yes, I agree with Divine, focus on you, especially your future.



I really think that even if he comes back this time, unless he is willing to go to couples' counseling with you and work on his own issues, he is probably going to pull the same stunt in the future.

It worries me that you don't seem to have a support system and are financially dependent. If I were you, I would work on setting money aside in an emergency fund. I think you said you are working part-time. Is it possible for you to work more hours or find a full-time job? Or, maybe, you can do something on the side to bring in some extra money that you can save? You need to look out for yourself.
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