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Old 01-16-2019, 01:47 PM   #1
Erecura
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Default Moving abroad and having a boyfriend

I'm sorry for the really long post, I just don't know how else to express everything I'm going through right now. I'd appreciate any second opinion or advice.

I haven't been in many relationships, but I have been in a few. Most of them had been awful, until I started one with a great guy in summer 2016. I'd lived my whole life with kind of an abusive and manipulative mother and I honestly searched my way out from my family and other ****** things in my life. So before I met my boyfriend, I'd been accepted to study abroad and felt very excited about it. I've always wanted to move abroad, I've honestly sacrificed my whole life to the idea of living abroad.

I told my bf about the university and about the fact that I'd been planning to move abroad for a very long time and he accepted it. He promised me that as soon as he finishes his studies, he'll move abroad and travel with me.
I graduated in January 2018 and he'd been by my side all that time, encouraging me, supporting me, loving me.

But he wasn't able to keep his promise about moving abroad and told me, he needs one more year to finish his studies. I moved back to my country because of him. My mother gave me an apartment where we both now live. I found a job and told him, that I'll wait a year for him, but no more, because I want to travel.

It's been 1,5 year now and we're still here and I'm starting to questioning his dedication. He keeps on telling my how awesome it is we has this apartment, we don't have to pay a rent and can basically live for free. The issue is, the apartment is mine, not his. My mother gave this privilege to me, not him. And he refuses to move abroad, because he keeps on telling me how good we're doing here.

I got fired from my last job and now I'm looking for a new one and thinking about going abroad without him. The thing however is, that I really love him and I think he loves me too.

Any advice?
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Old 01-16-2019, 02:18 PM   #2
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Default Re: Moving abroad and having a boyfriend

I'm so sorry, Erecura I feel like this is something you need to discuss with him. Even if he's not interested in moving abroad, that doesn't mean you should give up your dream. Would it be just a temporary thing or do you plan to stay abroad indefinitely? I think this is an important thing to address. You've already waited one year like you promised, now I think you have every right to go, whether he wants to follow you or not. Love requires some sacrifices, which you've already done by pushing the whole thing by a year. The question is whether he's willing to make those sacrifices or not. I feel like he needs to take some responsabilities. So I'd say definitely talk about this with him and see how it goes from there. Feel free to make your own decision. If he truly loves you, he will respect and support your dreams and your decisions. And if you do go abroad... Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. It's a very important and even pretty cool experience in my opinion. Sending many hugs to you
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Old 01-16-2019, 07:33 PM   #3
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Ok you are accepted to study abroad. If you want it and have opportunities and means for it then you should go and do it. He is a boyfriend. Not a husband or a father of your minor kids. No way you need to not enjoy things because of a boyfriend. And “you think” he loves you. Heck you don’t even know how he feels and you already put your life on hold. Ditch the guy and go enjoy your life while you are young.
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Old 01-16-2019, 08:55 PM   #4
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Hello Erecura. Interesting post! Thank you for sharing and sorry you've been dealing with a confusing situation. Sounds like you have a passion or dream which is calling to you! In general, research later in life suggests that people tend to regret more the things they never tried as opposed to the things they did try (even if those things didn't work out).

I have a hunch that you know what you want...you are maybe seeking reassurance? Is that right? If your bf is not following through on promises and not interested in the future you want (moving abroad) then I think life may be guiding you along here. Have you had a non-confrontational but direct conversation with your bf about your feelings about the current situation etc? I believe that happiness starts with the Self. We need to find and build our own happiness. We can certainly share it with others but they cannot create our happiness for us. So, if you are not happy staying in your country then...I think you can decide that for yourself.

Travel is exciting, enriching, and mind-broadening! If you decide to go, I wish you many happy adventures! I don't know if you are possibly considering emigrating (as opposed to temp study abroad) but speaking from my own experience I can tell you that it is a unique experience with it's own rewards and challenges. On a point of accuracy, I should point out that several comments on this thread about immigration and the U.S.A. are not accurate. Just a heads up for you.

One more thought: when we move to a new place (country or otherwise) we are bringing our past hurts and struggles with us. A new environment can be a wonderful opportunity to grow...it's just helpful to keep in mind that the prior problems won't necessarily evaporate on new turf iif you know what I mean. Personally, my road as an immigrant has not been an easy one and it has taken a lot of hard work but I've never looked back and my life is infinitely better than the one I had in my homeland. But that's just me. Everyone is unique. You don't know until you try

Whatever you decide, peace and positive energy to you!
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Old 01-17-2019, 04:56 AM   #5
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Hi Erecura. Yes, some things posted in response to your travel/stay in relationship thread were really off but I knew you could figure out the real scoop on studying abroad and/or immigration if you hadn't already If you do decide to travel, I wish you well wherever you go. I hope one way or another you and your boyfriend can find peace.

With regard to undocumented immigrants...I emigrated to a new country via the legal route but I have endless empathy for undocumented immigrants and asylum-seekers. I left a country which was torn apart by war...it was a miserable place to live. I was very fortunate to have the means to enter a safer country legally. Not everyone has the means. I realize that was not the point of your thread, Erecura. I'm just conscious of all the other folks who read the PC threads...seeking comfort and support...many of whom may be immigrants...with or without documents. I will leave the topic there but I always say that a person's a person. And I don't think anyone deserves to "rot in a detention center." We are all in this life together. All countries. All humans. Peace to everyone on PC and beyond
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Old 01-18-2019, 07:13 AM   #6
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I'll just add my two cents here as well....

People show respect to one another in a relationship by following through on things they say they're going to do. If I say I'm going to do the dishes or take out the trash, I'd better do it. Otherwise my words become meaningless, my promises, empty.

So if someone says they'd like X amount of time to figure things out and a person gives them X + Y amount of time and they are still not making headway or fulfilling their commitments to the other person, it's time for a serious rethink of the relationship and its future. Because today it may be about going abroad. But tomorrow it may be about other things of importance to a person, such as getting married, having kids, or moving to support a new job or something.

In short, if a person shows they are not capable of fulfilling their pledges to you, I'm not sure what I would be doing with that person long-term. While I don't believe in ultimatums, I do believe in living your own life. And if that other person doesn't want to be a part of the kind of life you want to live, that should never stop you from doing so on your own.

Good luck!
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Old 01-18-2019, 09:37 AM   #7
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Default Re: Moving abroad and having a boyfriend

I had the chance to study abroad in college and a boyfriend in my home country. I went! It turned out he was very needy, could not be alone and ended up dating someone while I was away. So, in the end we broke up.

You know what? Years later I can honestly say I have no regrets even though at the time I did love him. We were young; a lot of relationships at that age end up running their course. Seeing how needy he was made it clear we never would have worked together long-term anyways. I am more independent and he likely would have had problems with that. He ended up marrying the woman he started dating when I was away. Then he divorced and got married to someone else when the ink was barely dry on the divorce papers.

Studying abroad was an amazing experience that I wouldn’t trade for anything. I am now living abroad in another country and have been for 16 years. I am not sure if I would have done this if I hadn’t had the study abroad experience as a student.
I would say go for it. Maybe he eventually will meet you there. Maybe you will stay for a while and move back to be with him. Or maybe, you will break up. But, you know, you are only young once. This is your time to take advantage of these types of opportunities.
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Old 01-18-2019, 12:20 PM   #8
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Default Re: Moving abroad and having a boyfriend

Quote:
My mother gave me an apartment where we both now live. I found a job and told him, that I'll wait a year for him, but no more, because I want to travel.

It's been 1,5 year now and we're still here and I'm starting to questioning his dedication. He keeps on telling my how awesome it is we has this apartment, we don't have to pay a rent and can basically live for free. The issue is, the apartment is mine, not his. My mother gave this privilege to me, not him. And he refuses to move abroad, because he keeps on telling me how good we're doing here.
This would be a HUGE red flag for me about his attitude. He keeps saying how good you guys are doing YET he is living off your mothers kindness & calling that "GOOD" instead of having his own drive to get his degree fininished & have an independent life that both of you are in charge of. Not a good indicator for a long term relationship with someone with that attitude.

Also love has to be based on respect. It is not just a stand alone feeling. Can you really ever respect let alone TRUST someone who wants to sit back & take from people around him?

Just some things in the BIG PICTURE you need to think about.
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Old 01-18-2019, 02:23 PM   #9
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Default Re: Moving abroad and having a boyfriend

DO NOT miss your opportunity to study abroad because of this indecisive guy. He is holding you back and being selfish and he breaks promises.
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Old 01-18-2019, 11:45 PM   #10
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Default Re: Moving abroad and having a boyfriend

You think he loves you, but you are not sure.

A person who truly loved you, a person who is worthy of your love, would encourage you to do the things you love to do, the things that you have sacrificed your whole life for.

They would do whatever was necessary to support you in accomplishing your important goals.

They would not discourage you, they would not stand in the way of you doing those things.

They certainly would not break their promises to you.

***

If you want to find out whether or not he truly loves you, go travel abroad and take away the nice apartment.

The way he handles these events will reveal a great deal about him, and about his feelings for you.
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