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Old 12-24-2018, 09:48 AM   #1
Turtle_Rider
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Default Shunned by Coworkers

I just want to vent. I'm not sure where to post this since it happened at my workplace. It doesn't affect my work performance, so I decide to post it here.

We used to be a group of 8 women from different teams and divisions. We got close because we used to ate lunch together at the canteen. But for the matter I don't know, one began to avoid us. Later, the group leader made a new group chat excluding her. I asked what happened to both of them, side by side, but I got no reliable answer.

Soon, the another one shunned too, but this time I know it was her fault. Despite her effort to befriended us back, the rest kept rejected her. She gave up later. I'm proud to say that I'm the only one who still maintain the good relationship with them both up until now.

Looking at the two women above, I realize that they might turn and stab my back someday. And that 'someday' is now. I have no idea why, but I suspect it might be because of silly misunderstanding. I've realized they have shunned me for weeks or two months prior. At first, I thought that maybe I was too paranoid and such. Also like the second woman, I tried to befriend them back.

But today, I left the group. I don't put the detail since it'll be too long, so to cut it short, they obviously lied and got rid of me during lunch today. It made me quite angry and disappointed. I also realized that my efforts were futile and they were too negative lately. So I left this toxic one.

Thought it was over when I left. To my surprised, one of the remaining members asked me why I left, acted like nothing happened at all. As far as I know, they didn't do this to the first two women.

She whispered when she asked but it was in a room full of people and they can hear us. I don't know if it was a good move; I feel it should be discussed in private and feel uncomfortable to tell it in front of coworkers who weren't involved. I also questioned her motive. I'm afraid they would make a misleading gossip about me. So I lied, pretended I accidentally click wrong button, to minimize the information they'd get from me.

I tried to brush them off from my mind. Sadly, one of them has her desk in front of me. I feel so uncomfortable around them.

Thanks for reading this long post. Don't worry about my work performance. I don't mind to talk to them if it for work purpose.
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Old 12-24-2018, 10:36 AM   #2
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Default Re: Shunned by Coworkers

The fact that eight people were able to get along for so long actually amazes me. Likely, there was a misunderstanding and, worst care scenario, a conflict of interest.
Are you are not equipped to work with a toxic person? Is someone creating a toxic relationship causing you direct discomfort or an uncomfortable work environment? Is there an external factor that is not being considered?

Think about ways to ask this person, 'what is causing your distress?'. Seek an authority figure to work with. I feel that many larger corporations will seek the simplest solution to fix a problem and sometimes they settle with the most cost effective solution. Try not to feel bad, you made the right decision to leave as it sounds like what was enjoyable about the group became uncomfortable. Chances are there are others who feel the same way. I think it is nice that someone thought to ask why you left and maybe all she could think to do was get everything out into the open to avoid future conflict and clear a misunderstanding. I mean, when put on the spot like that it can be difficult to express your feelings and not attack someone else in the process.

Try to keep a clear goal of compromise or amendments for the future benefit of the group (without compromising too much of yourself or your beliefs). I hope my feedback in not too personal, but I get how a small misunderstanding can easily escalate into a larger problem. Take your time and don't feel pressure to mend your relationship. Put yourself first
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Old 12-24-2018, 08:55 PM   #3
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Default Re: Shunned by Coworkers

Thanks for listening.

It's not too long actually. We started to hang out at this early January, and every 3-4 months one of us go. It's my turn.

As I've written before, I had tried to befriend them back. It was also my attempt to ask, 'what's wrong with you guys'. However, whenever I tried to get close, they always make excuses to avoid me. That's why I think it was a futile effort.

And it doesn't affect work performance. It's truly a personal matter between us, so I don't think authority figure or HR need to be involved. Our departments are rarely interact. And if we did, I can handle it for professional reason.

I can't be sure if she asked me for good reason. I wish I could think the way you do. But I have seen how they treated the two women; They asked so they could make a gossip during the lunch time.

At this point, I don't want to get involved with them anymore (except for work purpose of course). There are a lot of group I can fit in. But it irks me so much because one of them pursued this matter again and again, acted like nothing happened, questioned my 'weird' decision, and probably try to get other coworkers involved. I'm really done with them and can't they just leave me alone?
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Old 12-27-2018, 04:13 PM   #4
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Default Re: Shunned by Coworkers

Quote:
Originally Posted by Turtle_Rider View Post
I just want to vent. I'm not sure where to post this since it happened at my workplace. It doesn't affect my work performance, so I decide to post it here.

We used to be a group of 8 women from different teams and divisions. We got close because we used to ate lunch together at the canteen. But for the matter I don't know, one began to avoid us. Later, the group leader made a new group chat excluding her. I asked what happened to both of them, side by side, but I got no reliable answer.

Soon, the another one shunned too, but this time I know it was her fault. Despite her effort to befriended us back, the rest kept rejected her. She gave up later. I'm proud to say that I'm the only one who still maintain the good relationship with them both up until now.

Looking at the two women above, I realize that they might turn and stab my back someday. And that 'someday' is now. I have no idea why, but I suspect it might be because of silly misunderstanding. I've realized they have shunned me for weeks or two months prior. At first, I thought that maybe I was too paranoid and such. Also like the second woman, I tried to befriend them back.

But today, I left the group. I don't put the detail since it'll be too long, so to cut it short, they obviously lied and got rid of me during lunch today. It made me quite angry and disappointed. I also realized that my efforts were futile and they were too negative lately. So I left this toxic one.

Thought it was over when I left. To my surprised, one of the remaining members asked me why I left, acted like nothing happened at all. As far as I know, they didn't do this to the first two women.

She whispered when she asked but it was in a room full of people and they can hear us. I don't know if it was a good move; I feel it should be discussed in private and feel uncomfortable to tell it in front of coworkers who weren't involved. I also questioned her motive. I'm afraid they would make a misleading gossip about me. So I lied, pretended I accidentally click wrong button, to minimize the information they'd get from me.

I tried to brush them off from my mind. Sadly, one of them has her desk in front of me. I feel so uncomfortable around them.

Thanks for reading this long post. Don't worry about my work performance. I don't mind to talk to them if it for work purpose.
I'm sorry that this has happened to you!

Last edited by Buffy01; 12-27-2018 at 04:14 PM.. Reason: Forgot to add notifications
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Old 12-28-2018, 04:59 AM   #5
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Default Re: Shunned by Coworkers

In these instances I always feel there is always a ring leader. I would hone in on who that is an check her motives.
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Old 12-28-2018, 05:53 AM   #6
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I would simply behave like you are still their best friend, That is most certainly what I would do....If nothing else it will confound them. When all is said and done, we are at work to do a job, the day goes quicker & smoother when we all work as a team and are pleasant to one another...If they choose to segregate themselves?, then that's their problem.
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