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Old 12-10-2018, 04:22 PM #1
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Default Things Iím working on

So my brothers mil is working with me on some questions. She teaches couples communication class. I thought I shared here and give you an opportunity to share.

What does it mean to me when I say Iím in a relationship?
It means Iím with that person , committed, devoted, constant, connected.

When I say intimate what does that mean to me?
It means close, caring, physical closeness, committed, permanent, daily, constant, emotional safety, connected, respectful, honest, genuine, warm and sincere. Heartfelt, earnest.

Writing this is making me Iím healthy and I know what healthy is. Intermittent reinforcement is very dangerous and destructive. Also being able to take space without being abandoned for doing so . That was probably my biggest problem in my relationship. I wasnít allowed to take space without being threatened with abandonment. I think itís fine if you need to take space if itís a negotiation . Sometimes therapeutic separation is necessary. and communication is key. No threats of abandonment. If you know youíre in it, youíre in it, no ďshape up or Iím outĒ. Itís take the time youíll need, Iíll be right here when you get back. Thatís what I need to hear! It takes two to build the relationship. I have no hope now.
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Old 12-11-2018, 12:40 PM #2
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My hope is that, in some way, you will be able to discover new hope to replace the hope you once had.
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Old 12-11-2018, 12:42 PM #3
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Originally Posted by Skeezyks View Post
My hope is that, in some way, you will be able to discover new hope to replace the hope you once had.


Iím not hopeless but Iím grieving and lost without my fiancť. Heís been incommunicado for 29 days now. Iím dying inside.
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Old 12-11-2018, 01:25 PM #4
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I'm so sorry you're struggling, leomama Are you still with this person? If you are, hopefully you can talk to him about this and start building a better relationship. Otherwise you can just leave him and start a new one. If you aren't, then I guess you just need to move on. Please don't give up hope though: you can still find the right person for you. It may take a while, but it is possible. You can do it! In the meantime keep working on yourself. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this
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Old 12-11-2018, 01:26 PM #5
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You have good ideals. I think it's going to hurt for now, but you'll be ok. Keep reaching out
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Old 12-11-2018, 01:41 PM #6
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Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky View Post
I'm so sorry you're struggling, leomama Are you still with this person? If you are, hopefully you can talk to him about this and start building a better relationship. Otherwise you can just leave him and start a new one. If you aren't, then I guess you just need to move on. Please don't give up hope though: you can still find the right person for you. It may take a while, but it is possible. You can do it! In the meantime keep working on yourself. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this


Iím estranged from him and heís my fiancť. He has gone off the radar for 29 days his phone is off, no social media, no reply to my emails, no word from his friends or family.
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Old 12-11-2018, 06:21 PM #7
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itís important for me to have my space to pursue my hobbies and spend time with friends. I donít believe in being attached to the hip. I need ton of space do my own things.

At the same time I donít believe in separation in commited relationship. When you are engaged or married, itís unreasonable to separate and expect other person still be there imho. Having space to do things and pausing a relationship isnít the same thing

If my husband wanted to separate and expected me to be right there when he comes back, Iíd laugh. I do not sit around waiting. People are either ready or not ready for a relationship. If they arenít ready, I am moving on.

Your guy took three years to get divorced. Sorry too long. Did he expect you to still be there after not seeing you for three years. Did he assume youíd be sitting around not dating waiting for three years? He is unrealistic. Unless he is in the war zone/combat, no one is going to wait for him

If he went no contact for a month, Iíd consider engagement is over and I am free . I think ideas of commited and connected and intimate relationship is perfect. But then when you have that, you wouldnít want or need separation and certainly non one would play games. The fact that 3 years of separation needed and he wouldnít even see after all those years of you waiting does indicate issues and lack of commitment.

Your idea of a healthy relationship is very good and realistic. But itís not going to be with this man. You have to find the right one for that (eventually)
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Old 12-11-2018, 06:31 PM #8
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itís important for me to have my space to pursue my hobbies and spend time with friends. I donít believe in being attached to the hip. I need ton of space do my own things.

At the same time I donít believe in separation in commited relationship. When you are engaged or married, itís unreasonable to separate and expect other person still be there imho. Having space to do things and pausing a relationship isnít the same thing

If my husband wanted to separate and expected me to be right there when he comes back, Iíd laugh. I do not sit around waiting. People are either ready or not ready for a relationship. If they arenít ready, I am moving on.

Your guy took three years to get divorced. Sorry too long. Did he expect you to still be there after not seeing you for three years. Did he assume youíd be sitting around not dating waiting for three years? He is unrealistic. Unless he is in the war zone/combat, no one is going to wait for him

If he went no contact for a month, Iíd consider engagement is over and I am free . I think ideas of commited and connected and intimate relationship is perfect. But then when you have that, you wouldnít want or need separation and certainly non one would play games. The fact that 3 years of separation needed and he wouldnít even see after all those years of you waiting does indicate issues and lack of commitment.

Your idea of a healthy relationship is very good and realistic. But itís not going to be with this man. You have to find the right one for that (eventually)
It took him five years to get divorced. We had a 3 year long distance relationship while he was married and then when I found out he hadn't filed for divorce I ended it until he got divorced. He on the other hand broke up with me one month before his divorce was final, that was last year. I have seen him just once this year and that was when he came over after I called him hysterical because my friend and seen him out in public with a woman. He claims that one woman was one of his clients, he's a peer counselor. I know he is not committed to me. He said he broke up with me in November 2017. I don't know why he told me he loves me and to fix it last month. Tomorrow will be 30 days of no contact from him, and no action on facebook either. I can not believe how harsh his aunt was towards me. I also can not believe his cousin ignored me although his father told me she only talks to people who are right in front of her.
I also don't know why he left up at least three social media sites dedicated to our relationship. He has not deleted any of those accounts. He claims he is not with anyone. He is known to do these disappearing acts, but he's never disappeared from me.
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Old 12-11-2018, 06:58 PM #9
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Sorry for the pain you are enduring, it sounds stressful, but this guy is bad news. It doesnít matter why he does these things. He isnít serious relationship material. Plus he ended it a year ago so him saying this or that is irrelevant as it was over. Mail him his ring back and be done
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Old 12-11-2018, 07:00 PM #10
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Sorry for the pain you are enduring, it sounds stressful, but this guy is bad news. It doesnít matter why he does these things. He isnít serious relationship material.


We were in a serious relationship for 3 years. You mean now?
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