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Old 12-08-2018, 08:34 PM   #1
MaroonAbalone
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Something's been on my mind for quite a while, and I want to know: Is it okay for someone who you're seeing to be messaging another friend of yours as much as he does to you or more even though there's nothing sexual?

P.S.:: I didn't stop talking to him because of her, it's because of a whole other reason not related to my friend! Just FYI~

In short, a close friend of mine and a guy I liked would always message each other whenever we weren't talking (in a friendly manner, I saw convos they had w/ each other and I know my friend. She knows her boundaries yet, I've realized, she doesn't recognize what's wrong at questionable times). I used to bring it up with her several times but she'd give me this blank expression like she was confused. Another friend of mine called me "insecure" because I said I was uncomfortable with what was going on, it was strange to me. I hate to admit, but I also did make my friend cry because after a few months, I got fed up and indirectly lashed at her (ex. stopped talking to her).

I remember not being loud enough when telling her I didn't like this situation. Ugh, I wish I had more confidence then. I just didn't know, I've never been in a real relationship and that was my first, so was I supposed to let it slide?
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Old 12-09-2018, 07:21 AM   #2
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I think for a first relationship that it was a learning curve in what brings out discomfort for you. No, going forward, you don't need to let things slide that bother you. It doesn't have to be sexual chatter to be at a level of a deeper connection than the one you were hoping to build.
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Old 12-11-2018, 02:39 AM   #3
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Originally Posted by healingme4me View Post
I think for a first relationship that it was a learning curve in what brings out discomfort for you. No, going forward, you don't need to let things slide that bother you. It doesn't have to be sexual chatter to be at a level of a deeper connection than the one you were hoping to build.
I agree with you there, I learned that if something truly made me uncomfortable, I shouldn't let it slide in the fear of seeming "disturbed". I dislike the fact that I was deemed "uncomfortable" because I care that he was talking to her so much, but oh well, I have to keep a sharper eye next time ^^
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Old 12-11-2018, 05:36 AM   #4
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It depends. Has he known her longer than you? Were they friends before you started dating? If so, then I don't see the problem. If they met when you two also met, it seems a little strange to me.
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Old 12-11-2018, 05:36 AM   #5
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Maybe your feeling uncomfortable was a signal for you to remove yourself from the situation. You cant change what other people do, but you can change what you do. You dont need to practice being on some guys string, always fighting another woman for him. Find a guy who puts you first.
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Old 12-11-2018, 07:05 AM   #6
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I am not sure why you asked her to stop talking to him if he is the one you are dating? He was the one you had to talk to about excessive communications with other girl.

But if you two werenít really dating, you just ďlikedĒ him then he and the girl are free to talk to whoever.

Overall itís really depends on the context and specifics, I just donít know enough to make a judgment whatís right whatís wrong as you didnít explain enough. My husband talks to all kind of people and I canít care less. Not like he is talking while on a date with me or being inappropriate or flirty. I am not threatened by him simply talking to people. So I am not sure about your situation
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Old 12-11-2018, 09:32 PM   #7
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I am not sure why you asked her to stop talking to him if he is the one you are dating? He was the one you had to talk to about excessive communications with other girl.

But if you two werenít really dating, you just ďlikedĒ him then he and the girl are free to talk to whoever.

Overall itís really depends on the context and specifics, I just donít know enough to make a judgment whatís right whatís wrong as you didnít explain enough. My husband talks to all kind of people and I canít care less. Not like he is talking while on a date with me or being inappropriate or flirty. I am not threatened by him simply talking to people. So I am not sure about your situation
(To answer your question, I introduced her to him when we were first friends. Not sure if I clarified that in my post, if I hadn't, sorry! I was just pouring out the junk I was feeling that day and probably didn't mention it.)

My friend did confide in me that, in the past, she was close to disrupting a previous friend's relationship because she was harboring feelings for her boyfriend (she withdrew herself as soon as she found out she was liking him), and of course, because of this, I felt paranoid (I didn't hate her for it because we're human, we're bound to make mistakes and such, but I was fearing a "What if it's happening again?" scenario). I regret lashing out at her, but it was that thought that was in the back of my mind.

He did keep me his #1 priority, though. In no way did he neglect me because of her or any other negative impact.

I mentioned it in another reply, but one factor that made me uneasy was how easily he was reachable. The other girls knew who he was and my affiliation with him, but they didn't care for talking to him. My friend and him would talk nearly everyday the whole time we were together. I think this is what troubled me the most.

Last edited by MaroonAbalone; 12-11-2018 at 10:01 PM..
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Old 12-11-2018, 09:49 PM   #8
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It depends. Has he known her longer than you? Were they friends before you started dating? If so, then I don't see the problem. If they met when you two also met, it seems a little strange to me.
Reading the responses to my post is helping me think about my actions in the past, and I'm coming to terms that I may have acted impulsively and I could have handled it a better way. I introduced her to him when he and I were first friends, and as the relationship progressed, they still were.

I believe one factor that made me uneasy was how easily accessible he was on social media. Like just because he's reachable doesn't mean you get to blow up your friend's boyfriend's inbox nearly everyday, even if it's on friendly terms?
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Old 12-12-2018, 06:53 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MaroonAbalone View Post
Reading the responses to my post is helping me think about my actions in the past, and I'm coming to terms that I may have acted impulsively and I could have handled it a better way. I introduced her to him when he and I were first friends, and as the relationship progressed, they still were.

I believe one factor that made me uneasy was how easily accessible he was on social media. Like just because he's reachable doesn't mean you get to blow up your friend's boyfriend's inbox nearly everyday, even if it's on friendly terms?
Hmm.... I don't know. If there's nothing sexual going on and it's purely friendly chit chat, I think perhaps you are being a bit insecure about it? But if it crosses a boundary of your comfort level, then it's something to seriously look at and consider?
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Old 12-12-2018, 08:13 AM   #10
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Regardless if this was right or wrong for them to talk daily, I still think you had to take it up with him, not her. If he is talking too much to other girl then itís something to address with him. Just because other girls contact him or he is assessible, doesnít mean he needs to respond every time. If he felt itís too much, he should have stopped. He is an adult.

In the future if you see your partner is doing something with the other woman that makes you uncomfortable, you bring it up with him, not other women. Frankly daily contact with someone your girlfriend introduced you to is excessive. Even though I said my husband talks to many different people, I canít imagine him contacting my girlfriend daily (and vice versa) , especially if he didnít even know her prior to meeting me. Itís bizarre.
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