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Old 12-13-2018, 12:56 AM   #11
MaroonAbalone
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Hmm.... I don't know. If there's nothing sexual going on and it's purely friendly chit chat, I think perhaps you are being a bit insecure about it? But if it crosses a boundary of your comfort level, then it's something to seriously look at and consider?
I probably was, and this made me open my eyes about all this. This is something I'll consider in the future if the situation ever calls for it. Then I can step back and think more clearly without making the same mistake. Thank you for sharing your input ^^
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Old 12-13-2018, 01:04 AM   #12
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Regardless if this was right or wrong for them to talk daily, I still think you had to take it up with him, not her. If he is talking too much to other girl then itís something to address with him. Just because other girls contact him or he is assessible, doesnít mean he needs to respond every time. If he felt itís too much, he should have stopped. He is an adult.

In the future if you see your partner is doing something with the other woman that makes you uncomfortable, you bring it up with him, not other women. Frankly daily contact with someone your girlfriend introduced you to is excessive. Even though I said my husband talks to many different people, I canít imagine him contacting my girlfriend daily (and vice versa) , especially if he didnít even know her prior to meeting me. Itís bizarre.
I don't think that kind of interaction is normal either, even if there are some people who can tolerate that, and then I remembered that I'm me, and just because my friend, who told me I had nothing to worry about, thought it was alright doesn't mean I should have to accept that. Also, I was thinking about this last night, and I found it ironic because despite learning over the years not to go after the girl, my instinct was to go after my friend. If this kind of thing happens a second time, I told myself I'd stop and think and talk to it about to my guy (hopefully it doesn't happen again, though). Thank you for sharing your input, it gave me a clear idea on what I need to prepare for in the future ^^
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Old 12-13-2018, 05:33 AM   #13
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No you shouldn't 'have to' accept it if it displeases you...and that is totally up to you. However, I feel I need to play 'Devils Advocate' here. Dating another person shouldn't mean that they are to socialise exclusively with you, not have friends of the opposite sex..trying to enforce this as a relationship condition is a sure fire way of alienating your boyfriend imo. Be confident in knowing that he is with 'YOU'...I'm not saying he won't ever meet someone that he prefers along the way, but that is part of dating...trying others on for size. Sure I know it sounds harsh, but that is life.

Just be happy dating, and focus/capitalise on making the most of what you have in common, and what you like about each other NOW...not what may or may not happen in the future.
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Old 12-13-2018, 08:53 AM   #14
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Something's been on my mind for quite a while, and I want to know: Is it okay for someone who you're seeing to be messaging another friend of yours as much as he does to you or more even though there's nothing sexual?



P.S.:: I didn't stop talking to him because of her, it's because of a whole other reason not related to my friend! Just FYI~



In short, a close friend of mine and a guy I liked would always message each other whenever we weren't talking (in a friendly manner, I saw convos they had w/ each other and I know my friend. She knows her boundaries yet, I've realized, she doesn't recognize what's wrong at questionable times). I used to bring it up with her several times but she'd give me this blank expression like she was confused. Another friend of mine called me "insecure" because I said I was uncomfortable with what was going on, it was strange to me. I hate to admit, but I also did make my friend cry because after a few months, I got fed up and indirectly lashed at her (ex. stopped talking to her).



I remember not being loud enough when telling her I didn't like this situation. Ugh, I wish I had more confidence then. I just didn't know, I've never been in a real relationship and that was my first, so was I supposed to let it slide?


I would have been like , I thought we had something exclusive going on. You have to define that stuff up front. I would be devastated if I found out someone I was into wasnít serious about me.
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Old 12-13-2018, 09:54 AM   #15
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Originally Posted by MaroonAbalone View Post
Something's been on my mind for quite a while, and I want to know: Is it okay for someone who you're seeing to be messaging another friend of yours as much as he does to you or more even though there's nothing sexual?

P.S.:: I didn't stop talking to him because of her, it's because of a whole other reason not related to my friend! Just FYI~

In short, a close friend of mine and a guy I liked would always message each other whenever we weren't talking (in a friendly manner, I saw convos they had w/ each other and I know my friend. She knows her boundaries yet, I've realized, she doesn't recognize what's wrong at questionable times). I used to bring it up with her several times but she'd give me this blank expression like she was confused. Another friend of mine called me "insecure" because I said I was uncomfortable with what was going on, it was strange to me. I hate to admit, but I also did make my friend cry because after a few months, I got fed up and indirectly lashed at her (ex. stopped talking to her).

I remember not being loud enough when telling her I didn't like this situation. Ugh, I wish I had more confidence then. I just didn't know, I've never been in a real relationship and that was my first, so was I supposed to let it slide?

To be honest, something needs to be clarified here, in the end you say this was a "first relationship" but nothing in what you'd said so far indicates there was anything serious going on meaning reason for this guy to feel he was exclusive with you. Unless that part has been left out. If there was some agreement and you were going out with him not just friends, then yes there can be a problem with the other person giving as much attention to others of the opposite sex. Otherwise I see no reason for him to think there was anything wrong with it.


We can talk about whether you were just insecure or not til the cows come home but first, I think you already know this. Second is that you had your reasons for that insecurity. Especially if you were quite fond of this person and assuming you didn't voice this to him and it wasn't known to him, that would feed your insecurity too. there are a lot of things going on here that were fundamental reasons for being insecure and I don't think you should beat yourself up about it at all.


The problem with the girl friend that looked at you as if confused was it seems to me she wasn't really trying to understand your view or empathize at all. she didn't try to respect or see your perspective but just wrote off your feelings as if they were invalid. I am sure that did nothing to help with your insecurities in the first place.
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Old 12-17-2018, 02:36 AM   #16
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To be honest, something needs to be clarified here, in the end you say this was a "first relationship" but nothing in what you'd said so far indicates there was anything serious going on meaning reason for this guy to feel he was exclusive with you. Unless that part has been left out. If there was some agreement and you were going out with him not just friends, then yes there can be a problem with the other person giving as much attention to others of the opposite sex. Otherwise I see no reason for him to think there was anything wrong with it.


We can talk about whether you were just insecure or not til the cows come home but first, I think you already know this. Second is that you had your reasons for that insecurity. Especially if you were quite fond of this person and assuming you didn't voice this to him and it wasn't known to him, that would feed your insecurity too. there are a lot of things going on here that were fundamental reasons for being insecure and I don't think you should beat yourself up about it at all.


The problem with the girl friend that looked at you as if confused was it seems to me she wasn't really trying to understand your view or empathize at all. she didn't try to respect or see your perspective but just wrote off your feelings as if they were invalid. I am sure that did nothing to help with your insecurities in the first place.
I did leave a lot of details out, yes, because it's a really long story to tell and I didn't want to burden any PC member who stumbled upon my thread with a novel, haha. It's also because it's a personal memory of mine and I just wanted to address what I felt was appropriate to address here on PC.

Yes, he and I did become official after some time (and along the way, we got to learn more about each other), but even after that point of developing a serious relationship, my friend didn't cease in message him and vice versa. Thank you , it took me a while to convince myself that not all of this was my fault. Some things just don't work out in one's favor (kind of referring to the breakup, but like I've mentioned, it wasn't related to my friend at all)

I learned next time, I'm going to be little more formal in introducing my boyfriend to my friends, and if my gut tells me something is up, I'm not going to deal with my concern gingerly.
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Old 12-17-2018, 04:10 AM   #17
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I think you need to speak up if something is bothering you, MaroonAbalone. I think talking about this with your boyfriend would have been the best solution. Personally I don't think talking to other people when you're in a relationship is a sign of infidelity. However, that is up to you. If it becomes a bigger problem in the future, perhaps you may want to work on yourself before dealing with a relationship. Sending many hugs to you
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Old 12-17-2018, 06:17 AM   #18
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Again if your boyfriend, if that what he really was, engages in excessive contacts wuth your female friends then the issue is him, not those female friends who might not even know he is your serious boyfriend. You keep blaming her but you never blame him. Why?

Iíd look deeper into reasons why you canít discyss with a man you are dating? Is it that he wasnít really official serious boyfriend but more just the guy you liked? Or is it that you are afraid to address issues with men yiu date?

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Old 12-17-2018, 10:18 AM   #19
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Given that this has been your first relationship, that means you are going to be learning and when it comes to relationships each person we have a relationship with is going to have their own way of interacting and a lot of times others are actually learning too. In all honesty, if I had a boyfriend and introduced him to a friend of mine and then this friend began to constantly interact with him in the manner you shared, I would begin to question this friends ability to respect MY boundaries. This friend of yours is showing that she doesn't "know" that her constantly interacting with your new boyfriend was getting intrusive. I think that all this new technology we have has presented some new challenges when it comes to respecting boundaries. This is especially true for younger individuals who tend to spend a lot of time interacting with texting and posting on facebook. The younger population has been gradually exposed to thinking it's ok to interact and collect friends with all this new technology and because others can see how much they interact with certain individuals, it's easier to see that it may be too excessive where the friend isn't recognizing that because they tend to be drawn to anyone that engages them.

If what this friend did was intrusive to you, given that she is your friend you should tell her that when you have a boyfriend you would prefer she limit her interactions with YOUR boyfriend interest. And you can also let whatever boyfriend know that you don't want to isolate him but it does bother you when you are engaging in a relationship with him and he ends up constantly chatting it up with a friend of yours as though his relationship is more with your friend than you.

If this friend of yours engages in ways that bother you then the next time don't introduce her to the guy you would rather have some privacy with while you interact with him to see if he is a good match for you.

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Old 12-18-2018, 02:46 AM   #20
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Again if your boyfriend, if that what he really was, engages in excessive contacts wuth your female friends then the issue is him, not those female friends who might not even know he is your serious boyfriend. You keep blaming her but you never blame him. Why?

Iíd look deeper into reasons why you canít discyss with a man you are dating? Is it that he wasnít really official serious boyfriend but more just the guy you liked? Or is it that you are afraid to address issues with men yiu date?
To this day, I wonder why I never confronted him about the issue instead of going ahead to hurt my friend like that even if she was doing something that concerned me. I've been taught my media and friends to always question the man in the relationship, but when it was me who was in that situation, I automatically, without a thought, attacked my friend.

And this was my first ever serious relationship with him being the first ever man I got romantically involved in. Never went on a date, never had a guy like me as much as he did before him. My entire life I've never cared for relationships nor did I ever talk to any guy romantically, so everything was a first to me. (He wasn't cheating on me with her, btw in case you were wondering, I think that small action happening just unnerved me on an abysmal scale)
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