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Old 11-08-2018, 07:01 AM   #21
WishfulThinker66
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Default Re: How does one maintain a healthy virtual relationship?

Look qwerty68, this is a common thing which has invaded the culture of many slavic states and in particular Russia. Things are very very very bad right now especially for women. Economies have take a tail spin, yada yada yada. Just one way things have impacted these places negatively is that the average lifespan in these places has plummeted. As a result, people are trying to get out and if they can't afford to leave they find it necessary to do so by other means - including the internet. Russian women looking to be 'mail order brides' has become so frequent one can say it is now ingrained in the culture. They look for a man - vulnerable regardless of finances - to be a potential route out of the country. All they want is to escape and marry someone. It has become a common way to do so. Please please please don't allow yourself to fall prey to this scam and become one of the many taken advantage of. I implore you to consider this.
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Old 11-08-2018, 08:43 AM   #22
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Default Re: How does one maintain a healthy virtual relationship?

Does your therapist have group sessions?
Or do you have any interest in taking a class on something you like. Just for the social aspect.
I was just thinking if this online relationship is advancing because of loneliness tha. Maybe being around d real people will help.
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Old 11-08-2018, 10:18 AM   #23
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Default Re: How does one maintain a healthy virtual relationship?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Amedley71 View Post
Does your therapist have group sessions?
Or do you have any interest in taking a class on something you like. Just for the social aspect.
I was just thinking if this online relationship is advancing because of loneliness tha. Maybe being around d real people will help.
Well said, good point.
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Old 11-08-2018, 01:19 PM   #24
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Default Re: How does one maintain a healthy virtual relationship?

Quote:
Originally Posted by qwerty68 View Post
I am not wealthy and she spends a lot of time for how little she could potentially scam from me if that is her goal.


The thing is that she doesn't tell me what I want to hear, she knows I am down on myself and gets after me about it which is kind of annoying. I don't like getting compliments and she knows it. It really bothers me but she does it anyway.


I am cautious, she doesn't know anything that could be used against me or to steal my identity or whatever. She hasn't asked or hinted either. If she is a scammer, she is extremely inefficient given the time spent vs potential reward if it is successful.At worst, it is a very fun waste of my time.



I am not big on judging people based on stereotypes.


Thank you though, I like hearing all perspectives.
Hey qwerty68,
Please be really, really careful about this. I won't say it's impossible that she's genuine, it has happened before.
But, like it has been said before, they are not only after the rich guys , they just want to get out of their countries, if it is Russia, Romania, Bulgaria etc.
I have no idea why I am feeling so protective towards you, but that's how it is and I don't want you to get hurt.
So please, take everything she does with a grain of salt.
Kristin
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Old 11-08-2018, 02:23 PM   #25
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Default Re: How does one maintain a healthy virtual relationship?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Amedley71 View Post
Does your therapist have group sessions?
Or do you have any interest in taking a class on something you like. Just for the social aspect.
I was just thinking if this online relationship is advancing because of loneliness tha. Maybe being around d real people will help.

I am not currently in therapy.


I can go to the VA hospital and they have all sorts of group sessions. One of the reasons I decided to find someone online was the difficulty I have in face to face socializing with strangers.



There are programming and network security meetup groups I should be going to to stay current but I can't seem to do it. Talking online is very difficult for me and those video chats are extremely challenging to do.



It shouldn't be so hard, just 8 years ago I was teaching college courses, which is a little different than meetup groups but if I can stand in front of 100 strangers I should be able to do this. I have always had avoidant tendencies but they just get stronger as I get older and my mental state devolves.


I have many years of college and have nothing to show for it socially. These were normal college courses and not adult night courses like they have at the local community colleges, so my classmates were significantly younger. That is a good idea to take some night courses.



She asked if she could come in September, she isn't sure she can or even wants to but I said yes. She will be starting the visa process if she decides to come. We will have talked a lot between now and then. That will tell me a lot of her intentions and how sincere they are.


Well, hopefully. I am socially exceptional and have difficulty recognizing social cues unless they have the subtlety of a bat to the head.
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Old 11-08-2018, 04:44 PM   #26
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Default Re: How does one maintain a healthy virtual relationship?

What about taking classes which arent academic?
A pottery class? Painting? Cake decorating?
Really anything that gets you around people and allows you to socialize as much as little as you like.
You never know. You may meet someone who is shy or socially awkward and would love to meet someone just to have coffee.
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Old 11-08-2018, 07:01 PM   #27
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Default Re: How does one maintain a healthy virtual relationship?

An important concept is to act against the anxiety, to do what you want to do, and not let anxiety be in charge.

Easier said than done but still very important.

Perhaps therapy for a while would be useful in getting you back on track.
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Old 11-09-2018, 09:13 AM   #28
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Default Re: How does one maintain a healthy virtual relationship?

As people have mentioned, outside activities will promote social interaction. I point out too that they are a healthy distraction in our lives. In addition to classes of various sorts, I suggest volunteering. I have done a great deal of this. It provided me an outlet, a way to socialize, and that all important distraction to the loneliness. The other great thing about volunteering is that you are not as invested in the 'work' as you would be in a job. After all, as you are not getting paid, the need to perform at a high level just isn't there. You have a freedom of sorts you don't have with employment. consequently it is a more relaxing environment. I did so regularly with the museum in my former community. I was able to choose something of my own tastes and interests and help out accordingly. As I am now working I don't have the time to commit to an ongoing commitment but I still offer assistance to various organisations for events and fundraising campaigns. Note too that one has a sense of gratification in contributing time to something in addition to battling the loneliness.

Good luck in whatever endeavour you choose.
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Old 11-11-2018, 07:32 PM   #29
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Default Re: How does one maintain a healthy virtual relationship?

Quote:
Originally Posted by qwerty68 View Post
I am not currently in therapy.


I can go to the VA hospital and they have all sorts of group sessions. One of the reasons I decided to find someone online was the difficulty I have in face to face socializing with strangers.



There are programming and network security meetup groups I should be going to to stay current but I can't seem to do it. Talking online is very difficult for me and those video chats are extremely challenging to do.



It shouldn't be so hard, just 8 years ago I was teaching college courses, which is a little different than meetup groups but if I can stand in front of 100 strangers I should be able to do this. I have always had avoidant tendencies but they just get stronger as I get older and my mental state devolves.


I have many years of college and have nothing to show for it socially. These were normal college courses and not adult night courses like they have at the local community colleges, so my classmates were significantly younger. That is a good idea to take some night courses.



She asked if she could come in September, she isn't sure she can or even wants to but I said yes. She will be starting the visa process if she decides to come. We will have talked a lot between now and then. That will tell me a lot of her intentions and how sincere they are.


Well, hopefully. I am socially exceptional and have difficulty recognizing social cues unless they have the subtlety of a bat to the head.
Please watch “90 Day Fiancé.” Everything you have described seems very similar to the kind of mail-order-spouse scams going on in that TV series.
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Old 11-13-2018, 01:20 PM   #30
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Default Re: How does one maintain a healthy virtual relationship?

Just reading everyone's take on it is helping me stay grounded.


In a way, she is also. She tells me her 'bad things' so I have 'no illusions about her'. She says I am very warm and trusting so she doesn't want me to think she is the same as me. She also says that I keep her stable and calm which is funny to me because I am never calm inside and I am quite unstable but I guess I am pretty good at hiding it.


I said she could be a little cold but she can be more than a little. Not in a cruel way but it does give me pause. She also might have father issues which might be why she doesn't mind the age difference. She is 8 years older then my oldest daughter which sounds weird but my daughter was born when I was almost 22. The good thing is that it could take close to a year for her to get a visa due to there being far less US embassy workers in Russia now and she doesn't want to come in the winter so it could be a very long time before she can visit so I have lots of time to figure this out.


I have no doubts she is who she claims. I have spent too much time video chatting, even at her work to doubt that. I guess I just have to figure out her intentions. If she is real, maybe her intentions are as well? She just wants to meet me to see if she likes me and enjoys my company in person. Seems unlikely that she would like me. The only thing it is costing me is time, and I have lots of that and talking makes me feel less lonely, which I do realize I deserve to be alone but it is nice to feel this way.


Is it a bad thing she might genuinely like me? I realize it is odd since women don't like me as more than just very casual friends but I guess it is possible I found the one woman that might like me. I understand everyone's concerns about it being a scam, I have those same concerns. I get the impression that even if it is real, some of you have concerns.


Quote:
In addition to classes of various sorts, I suggest volunteering. I have done a great deal of this. It provided me an outlet, a way to socialize, and that all important distraction to the loneliness. The other great thing about volunteering is that you are not as invested in the 'work' as you would be in a job.
That is a good idea. I have looked around a little but I should do it more seriously. I do have commitments I made regarding my grandkids but I do have lots of time. Even once a week might be good for me. Between grandkids and updating my new house I do stay busy but being ex-coast guard I do enjoy helping people and maybe more time with adults might be a good thing for me.
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Last edited by qwerty68; 11-13-2018 at 03:13 PM..
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