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Old 07-14-2018, 03:12 AM   #1
YMIHere
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Default Thrill Seeking and Need for Novelty - Please Don't Judge

I am 47 years old and I have issues. I mean, don't we all, right? But you would think that I would learn from my mistakes and I feel like I just don't.

I have a boyfriend who is TWENTY ONE years younger than me. He's Muslim and we're married according to Islam because it is the only way we are able to carry on what we here in the west would call a NORMAL relationship. Because of our hectic schedules we actually moved in together so that we could at least pass each other in the hall although we were sleeping in separate bedrooms until said Islam marriage four months later. I'll let you read between the lines on that one. We've discussed legal marriage. He overstayed his visa and legal marriage would make his life so much easier and I WANT to be able to do that for him.

This would be my third marriage. First marriage was to a guy 20 years older than me. Second was to a guy that I met and married while he was in prison. Sensing a trend here?

But you know, apparently a 26 year old DEVOUT Muslim boyfriend isn't off the wall enough. I work in a halfway house and we have a new guy that I am SUPER attracted to. I've been here for less than a year but long enough. There have been a number of guys that I would have to say have been attractive, but I NEVER contemplated doing the stupid things I have contemplated doing with this guy.

I would definitely be attracted to this guy on the street. We get along great. He is, in all likelihood, innocent of his crime. I'm sure you think they ALL say that but honestly, they don't. Plus the Innocence Project is working on his behalf and if you know anything about them, they don't take many cases. They pretty much take the cases that they know they can win based on DNA evidence.

The other day in talking I made the mistake of asking him what he is most looking forward to when he leaves. He tells me, "You already KNOW." Lol. I tried to divert the conversation by asking him BESIDES that but it eventually came back around to how he can't wait to be able to hold a woman blah blah blah. Me? I would LOVE to be the recipient of 20+ years of pent up sexual frustration lol. That is DEFINITELY part of the turn on, but honestly, we have a LOT in common. I genuinely like the guy. Before that convo I had told him that I would really like to be friends with him outside of here when he leaves (I'm actually not supposed to be fraternizing with clients even after they leave). I told him I'd just love to see the world through his eyes as he gets back into the world after 30 years. I suggested a 3D IMAX movie.

Like he was seriously hinting the other night. It's my fault. I LOVE talking to him. I stay near his door when we talk so that I can be picked up on the cameras and not accused of anything inappropriate, but like he told me to come in and shut the door the other day and saying no was the HARDEST THING EVER.

Dude has been locked up for THIRTY YEARS. I realize I'm like any port in a storm at this point. Plus a horrible cliche. But MY GOD what I would love to do to that man. He's got a huge legal team and one of his people (a woman) was telling him to be careful because there are going to be a lot of crazies coming after him and all I'm thinking is I'm the crazy she warned you about. She was talking about those that will want to save him. Those that will see that he is probably going to have a better life coming (if he gets exonerated the state will have to pay up). I don't see me as trying to save him OR after a payday but here I am sitting here trying to sort out what this dude has brought up in me emotionally. Why can't I ever just be happy where I am?

EVERY RELATIONSHIP I'VE HAD since I'm a teenager, I ended. I get bored usually.

As much as I would love to pounce on him I'm ASTONISHED that I didn't shut the door when he told me to. Thank you Adderall!

Maybe this wouldn't feel so overwhelming if my relationship with my boyfriend wasn't as unstable as it is. I'm not going into those details in an open forum, but if I love him, how did this other guy capture my attention SO EASILY? Oh yeah! Because he's new and exciting! WTF is wrong with me?!?

I feel like if I got the impression that I WASN'T any port in a storm, I'd probably be on that. Mind you, I'm not saying that he's giving off that vibe or anything. We have a GREAT time talking and vibing. I just know that realistically, he'd probably **** the Wicked Witch of the West if she was giving it up. That's just reality and as much as I want to do all manner of dirty unspeakable things to him, I'm fairly certain it would leave me feeling crummy emotionally. Oh, and technically because of the power dynamic, he can't consent, so I ask again, WTF is wrong with me?

If anyone else manifests this type of self-sabotaging behavior, I would LOVE to hear from you.

Internet is a big place. REALLY hoping none of my coworkers come around these parts but there's no way to get the answers I seek by being vague.
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Dx: Bipolar I, Mixed Type and ADHD w/ Hyperactivity
Meds: Adderall XR 30 mg, short acting 15, Trazodone 150 mg, Lamictal 400 mg, Xanax .5 mg (as needed).

WARNING! I have ADHD. Expect long winded, off topic responses. Your understanding is appreciated.

Last edited by bluekoi; 07-14-2018 at 08:40 PM.. Reason: profanity edit
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Old 07-14-2018, 06:29 PM   #2
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Default Re: Thrill Seeking and Need for Novelty - Please Don't Judge

Fingers crossed that you're able to resist the impulse. It's your employment on the line.

I take it the young husband/not yet husband doesn't evoke such passion?
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Old 07-14-2018, 07:35 PM   #3
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Default Re: Thrill Seeking and Need for Novelty - Please Don't Judge

Quote:
Originally Posted by YMIHere View Post
I am 47 years old and I have issues. I mean, don't we all, right? But you would think that I would learn from my mistakes and I feel like I just don't.

I have a boyfriend who is TWENTY ONE years younger than me. He's Muslim and we're married according to Islam because it is the only way we are able to carry on what we here in the west would call a NORMAL relationship. Because of our hectic schedules we actually moved in together so that we could at least pass each other in the hall although we were sleeping in separate bedrooms until said Islam marriage four months later. I'll let you read between the lines on that one. We've discussed legal marriage. He overstayed his visa and legal marriage would make his life so much easier and I WANT to be able to do that for him.

This would be my third marriage. First marriage was to a guy 20 years older than me. Second was to a guy that I met and married while he was in prison. Sensing a trend here?

But you know, apparently a 26 year old DEVOUT Muslim boyfriend isn't off the wall enough. I work in a halfway house and we have a new guy that I am SUPER attracted to. I've been here for less than a year but long enough. There have been a number of guys that I would have to say have been attractive, but I NEVER contemplated doing the stupid things I have contemplated doing with this guy.

I would definitely be attracted to this guy on the street. We get along great. He is, in all likelihood, innocent of his crime. I'm sure you think they ALL say that but honestly, they don't. Plus the Innocence Project is working on his behalf and if you know anything about them, they don't take many cases. They pretty much take the cases that they know they can win based on DNA evidence.

The other day in talking I made the mistake of asking him what he is most looking forward to when he leaves. He tells me, "You already KNOW." Lol. I tried to divert the conversation by asking him BESIDES that but it eventually came back around to how he can't wait to be able to hold a woman blah blah blah. Me? I would LOVE to be the recipient of 20+ years of pent up sexual frustration lol. That is DEFINITELY part of the turn on, but honestly, we have a LOT in common. I genuinely like the guy. Before that convo I had told him that I would really like to be friends with him outside of here when he leaves (I'm actually not supposed to be fraternizing with clients even after they leave). I told him I'd just love to see the world through his eyes as he gets back into the world after 30 years. I suggested a 3D IMAX movie.

Like he was seriously hinting the other night. It's my fault. I LOVE talking to him. I stay near his door when we talk so that I can be picked up on the cameras and not accused of anything inappropriate, but like he told me to come in and shut the door the other day and saying no was the HARDEST THING EVER.

Dude has been locked up for THIRTY YEARS. I realize I'm like any port in a storm at this point. Plus a horrible cliche. But MY GOD what I would love to do to that man. He's got a huge legal team and one of his people (a woman) was telling him to be careful because there are going to be a lot of crazies coming after him and all I'm thinking is I'm the crazy she warned you about. She was talking about those that will want to save him. Those that will see that he is probably going to have a better life coming (if he gets exonerated the state will have to pay up). I don't see me as trying to save him OR after a payday but here I am sitting here trying to sort out what this dude has brought up in me emotionally. Why can't I ever just be happy where I am?

EVERY RELATIONSHIP I'VE HAD since I'm a teenager, I ended. I get bored usually.

As much as I would love to pounce on him I'm ASTONISHED that I didn't shut the door when he told me to. Thank you Adderall!

Maybe this wouldn't feel so overwhelming if my relationship with my boyfriend wasn't as unstable as it is. I'm not going into those details in an open forum, but if I love him, how did this other guy capture my attention SO EASILY? Oh yeah! Because he's new and exciting! WTF is wrong with me?!?

I feel like if I got the impression that I WASN'T any port in a storm, I'd probably be on that. Mind you, I'm not saying that he's giving off that vibe or anything. We have a GREAT time talking and vibing. I just know that realistically, he'd probably **** the Wicked Witch of the West if she was giving it up. That's just reality and as much as I want to do all manner of dirty unspeakable things to him, I'm fairly certain it would leave me feeling crummy emotionally. Oh, and technically because of the power dynamic, he can't consent, so I ask again, WTF is wrong with me?

If anyone else manifests this type of self-sabotaging behavior, I would LOVE to hear from you.

Internet is a big place. REALLY hoping none of my coworkers come around these parts but there's no way to get the answers I seek by being vague.

by the way getting married now days does not ensure someone is going to not be deported. there are many children, wives and husbands being separated as each other is getting deported if they have entered the states illegally or their visa's have expired. if you watch the nightly news reports you will see what I mean right now ICE and border patrols are trying to locate thousands of parents who have been separated from their children, there are many separated married people in deportation process where the wife or the husband has been or is being deported with out the other...

Last edited by bluekoi; 07-15-2018 at 10:03 AM.. Reason: Admin edit.
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Old 07-14-2018, 07:50 PM   #4
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Default Re: Thrill Seeking and Need for Novelty - Please Don't Judge

Quote:
Originally Posted by healingme4me View Post
Fingers crossed that you're able to resist the impulse. It's your employment on the line.

I take it the young husband/not yet husband doesn't evoke such passion?
That's not entirely true. The way I wanted him was MADDENING. Let's just say that Islam has made its way into our bedroom in good ways and bad and I'm wondering if, in time, the good will outweigh the bad.
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Meds: Adderall XR 30 mg, short acting 15, Trazodone 150 mg, Lamictal 400 mg, Xanax .5 mg (as needed).

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Old 07-14-2018, 08:07 PM   #5
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I don't fully follow, and that's ok.

Sexual tension and chemistry can certainly feel maddening. Hopefully in time you'll be able to harness that energy back to a dull roar.
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Old 07-22-2018, 08:35 AM   #6
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Default Re: Thrill Seeking and Need for Novelty - Please Don't Judge

I get restless and have had several relationships between my two long-term ones. The commonality? My mania and need for thrill seeking adventure. I am bipolar and one of the hallmarks of mania is to go through relationships from one to the other and being hyper sexually active. Looking back on it, I walked away from the two relationships during bouts of mania. I in fact needed to do so anyway, but the mania fueled the assertiveness and confidence to do so. Can you recognise any of this in yourself?

I am in a long-term relationship now but I am also in the longest period of stability I have ever been in.
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Old 07-22-2018, 12:04 PM   #7
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I am wondering what is missing in your current relationship, and why is it so unstable?

The instability to me speaks to your desires for someone else. Perhaps your current relationship is not the right one for you.

Also, it seems you have a pattern of being attracted to the bad boys -- someone in prison and now, someone who has been locked up for 30 years. Innocent or guilty, he's been locked up for a very long time. Not to mention, you work with him. I am not judging, but this seems like very poor judgement on your behalf. It is also inappropriate to extend relations with this man outside of your work environment. That is also very poor boundaries and poor judgement.

Are you in therapy? I think it would greatly benefit you to see a therapist to talk about your issues. Again, I am not judging, I am just being open and honest about what I see based on your post, and I think you need to evaluate your relationships & behavior more deeply.
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Old 07-23-2018, 02:36 AM   #8
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I don't think you can have both. And neither option seems totally secure for your long term future. Where do you see yourself in 20 years time with the 26 year old? Where would you see yourself in 20 years time with the guy that you lust after? Probably nowhere with both to be honest.
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Old 07-23-2018, 05:30 AM   #9
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Neither relationship will be successful in a long run because both men are not in
A stable pls e and you are tying to save them. Not a good start. I also advice you not to mix work and pleasure. I hope you see a therapist
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Old 07-23-2018, 05:32 AM   #10
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Who or what helps you overcome dangerous impulses? What has helped in the past? Do you see a psychiatrist or therapist?
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