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Old 04-09-2018, 05:18 AM   #1
Xzillo
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Member Since: Apr 2018
Location: Amsterdam
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My Mood: Ruining a very important friendship because I can't seem to learn from my mistakes.

Unhappy Ruining a very important friendship because I can't seem to learn from my mistakes.

I hope I am doing this right. I honestly don't know where to start, because I would need to go back 7 years, and communicating is not my strongest suite. It is actually one of the biggest strains I have put on this friendship since day one. This guy is my best friend, my brother, my companion. We have very separate lives but we had a very strong connection to each other. I value his opinion, his suggestions, feedback a lot, I listen to him, he is very wise and has overcome a lot of issues and I see the progress.
Recently I have been very unhappy and he gave me the push to quit my job and is letting me live with him free of rent so I can figure myself out. In return I agreed to help out around the house, cook, clean, etc.. pretty much be an assistant to him, which I have done once before a few years ago. I have now been living with him for a month and there have been numerous occasions where I have done a task wrong and messed something up, despite his numerous attempts to give me clear direction. We have been fighting non stop because I have an issue with really listening and understanding. In return I break down, my low-self esteem kicks in, my depression, my anxiety, my PTSD from being verbally and physically abused as child. I break down, I shut down. It is now at the point where he can't stand to be in the same room as me. He shuts the doors when he's in another room. He went from being excited to have me here, to telling me I have interrupted his space. He no longer trusts or respects me. He does not want have me around him or in his life, and I don't blame him. I want to fix it, I want to help myself. I am 32 years old, and things that should come easy to someone at that age, do not. I have a hard time learning, and I am very far from being a functional adult. I can't communicate properly, I get angry and act out of impulse, I am very reactive. The worst part of it, I am now realising all of this a little too late. Why did it have to take for me to lose the one person who means so much for me to seek help? Is it too late? I am at a loss, I am overwhelmed. I don't know where to start but I need to start ASAP.
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Old 04-09-2018, 10:18 AM   #2
carcrashonrepeat
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My Mood: Ruining a very important friendship because I can't seem to learn from my mistakes.

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Default Re: Ruining a very important friendship because I can't seem to learn from my mistake

Have you shared with him what you've written in the OP, that you understand you have difficulties with communicating and it's something you want to work on?

Perhaps this is a good time to sit down and take inventory of what specific tasks you have trouble performing and why. Also be mindful of what triggers you to become reactive in a way that isnt helpful.

From there, both of you should create realistic boundaries. Perhaps stick to tasks that come more easily. Find ways to get out of his house for a walk or to run errands.

I would also look into finding a job. I fear you might be growing too dependent on him which would obviously strain your friendship.

If you havent already, I would do something nice for him. It seems counterintuitive but at the end of the day he's letting you live there rent free. I find it's a great gesture and a way to begin anew, this time with a conversation on how to respect one another's space. Maybe develop a timeline for when you might be able to leave.

Hope this helps
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Old 04-12-2018, 04:50 AM   #3
Xzillo
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My Mood: Ruining a very important friendship because I can't seem to learn from my mistakes.

Unhappy Re: Ruining a very important friendship because I can't seem to learn from my mistake

I have not shared with him what I have written, but I did share with him that I am actively writing in forums. At least starting to. I took your advice and did something nice and we had a very good day 2 days ago. Yesterday I messed it all up again and this time might have been the last. I am starting to freak out because i can't get myself out of this cycle. I am now feeling physically incapable of change. I am broke and can't just get up and go see a therapist here, and I can't seem to get him to understand me. I am not sure what to do anymore.

Quote:
Originally Posted by carcrashonrepeat View Post
Have you shared with him what you've written in the OP, that you understand you have difficulties with communicating and it's something you want to work on?

Perhaps this is a good time to sit down and take inventory of what specific tasks you have trouble performing and why. Also be mindful of what triggers you to become reactive in a way that isnt helpful.

From there, both of you should create realistic boundaries. Perhaps stick to tasks that come more easily. Find ways to get out of his house for a walk or to run errands.

I would also look into finding a job. I fear you might be growing too dependent on him which would obviously strain your friendship.

If you havent already, I would do something nice for him. It seems counterintuitive but at the end of the day he's letting you live there rent free. I find it's a great gesture and a way to begin anew, this time with a conversation on how to respect one another's space. Maybe develop a timeline for when you might be able to leave.

Hope this helps
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Old 04-12-2018, 10:10 AM   #4
carcrashonrepeat
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My Mood: Ruining a very important friendship because I can't seem to learn from my mistakes.

113 hugs
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Default Re: Ruining a very important friendship because I can't seem to learn from my mistake

What happened to make you feel like you screwed up? How did your friend respond?

It sounds like you're really hard on yourself when you've done something wrong and you obviously feel guilty for messing up the friendship. I understand that and it's already a stressful situation which compounds misunderstandings and missteps in communication. I'm sorry.

It sounds like you need to apply for jobs if you havent done so already. Sit down and determine how much you'll need to save in order to move out and find housing elsewhere. If you show your friend you are making plans to leave and are following through on this plan, it might help to lessen the tension between you two.

I was in a similar situation a long time ago. It was harder because my friend was in a relationship that wasn't working and it was awkward for everyone. We had a big blowout but I made sure to contribute to a portion of rent and bills, and gave myself a month to move out. We are still best friends to this day, but we gave each other necessary space.

Some friendships are strong enough to endure rough patches, others not so much.

It sounds like you need to focus on getting your own life together. You need to be kind to yourself right now, which I think may also help in keeping the communication open and honest with your friend.
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