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Old 03-28-2018, 09:58 PM   #1
Momofmmsa
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Unhappy Can't figure out what's the truth or lies

I donít feel like a survivor because itís still fresh but I am alive. My husband is in jail, he is on state parole so I didnít even have to do anything except make the call to get him taken away. My problem is that I still love him. I saw him today for the first time in 18 days. It was a good visit, I didnít cry. Iím not experienced with this jail crap and the mail rules. He has asked for some medical papers and pictures and artwork from the girls. (The girls are not his biologically but in this last year and 8 months, he had been the closest thing to a father that they have had in their short 7 and 8 year lives.) I apparently used the wrong type of envelope and picture size and artwork was on construction paper and in crayon, what else is expected from 7 and 8 year olds. I didnít know the rules of mail, from what I found online everything I did was acceptable. Pictures have to be no bigger than 4x6, no one told me. So the things sent in the mail with the artwork are going to be returned to me. So, about 2 hours or less after the visit he calls and tells me how stupid I am that I canít follow simple directions, totally ruined the better feeling I was having. As of now, Iíve only been diagnosed with depression and generalized anxiety, thatís been many years now. Reading on this site, I think I need to speak to my doctor about other things, for one PTSD from this incident, borderline personality disorder, and childhood emotional neglect. I know tomorrow, heís going to call and tell me he misses me and loves me, and Iím going to believe it. I think he has an antisocial personality disorder but maybe he just doesnít have a heart. He will not ever be allowed by law to live in the home we had together until he is off of state parole. That was going to be in 2021. There hasnít been a hearing yet, the first 2 were continued and now itís set for April 20. Iíve always had trust issues and I trusted him and revealed things to him that I didnít share with anyone, he now uses those things against me. The verbal abuse has been going on for months. I grew up with that so after a while, it doesnít hurt as much. The physical, that just started in the last month or two. His parole officer said that if by some chance he beats these charges, he will be released to a Community Corrections Center (kind of like a halfway house) and have mandatory counseling. Is there any hope of an abuser changing? Or did I just throw away the last almost 2 years of mine and my girlsí lives?
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Old 03-29-2018, 02:19 PM   #2
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Your "girls" should not be seeing you being emotionally abused and talked down to by this man. Your girls will begin to think this is normal and what to expect from a male partner and you don't want them picking that kind of man to have in their lives now do you?
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Old 03-29-2018, 03:26 PM   #3
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You have said it all in your post.
He is not going to change.

Since you have children, your first priority is to protect them from witnessing abuse and from living with any of the associated fall-out.

You and your children deserve better.
Please seek out a therapist to support you.

My heart goes out to you.

WC
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Old 03-29-2018, 03:51 PM   #4
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Unfortunately your daughters are learning from you that itís ok to have abusive male partners. Longer you stay likely they are to choose same kind of men for themselves.
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Old 03-29-2018, 04:20 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Momofmmsa View Post
I donít feel like a survivor because itís still fresh but I am alive. My husband is in jail, he is on state parole so I didnít even have to do anything except make the call to get him taken away. My problem is that I still love him. I saw him today for the first time in 18 days. It was a good visit, I didnít cry. Iím not experienced with this jail crap and the mail rules. He has asked for some medical papers and pictures and artwork from the girls. (The girls are not his biologically but in this last year and 8 months, he had been the closest thing to a father that they have had in their short 7 and 8 year lives.) I apparently used the wrong type of envelope and picture size and artwork was on construction paper and in crayon, what else is expected from 7 and 8 year olds. I didnít know the rules of mail, from what I found online everything I did was acceptable. Pictures have to be no bigger than 4x6, no one told me. So the things sent in the mail with the artwork are going to be returned to me. So, about 2 hours or less after the visit he calls and tells me how stupid I am that I canít follow simple directions, totally ruined the better feeling I was having. As of now, Iíve only been diagnosed with depression and generalized anxiety, thatís been many years now. Reading on this site, I think I need to speak to my doctor about other things, for one PTSD from this incident, borderline personality disorder, and childhood emotional neglect. I know tomorrow, heís going to call and tell me he misses me and loves me, and Iím going to believe it. I think he has an antisocial personality disorder but maybe he just doesnít have a heart. He will not ever be allowed by law to live in the home we had together until he is off of state parole. That was going to be in 2021. There hasnít been a hearing yet, the first 2 were continued and now itís set for April 20. Iíve always had trust issues and I trusted him and revealed things to him that I didnít share with anyone, he now uses those things against me. The verbal abuse has been going on for months. I grew up with that so after a while, it doesnít hurt as much. The physical, that just started in the last month or two. His parole officer said that if by some chance he beats these charges, he will be released to a Community Corrections Center (kind of like a halfway house) and have mandatory counseling. Is there any hope of an abuser changing? Or did I just throw away the last almost 2 years of mine and my girlsí lives?
In my own openion, it would probably be best for your girls, bc they should come first, and best for you if you let him go. I have been with my verbaly abusive husband for over 26 years, and almost married for almost 25. He has promised many times over to change but here we are. I was abused in all ways when i was young, so i don't have any self esteem, and didn't realize what he has been doing to me is abuse. So i have a lot of thinking to do, and have to make a decision one way, or another. Please don't let it take you as long as it has me. Please don't put your girls through that. Please don't put your self through that. It has been a very long time since i felt like i was worth a kind word!!!!!!!(((((((HUGS)))))))
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Old 03-29-2018, 06:24 PM   #6
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You deserve so much better than all of this. We all have one life to live. I know it's hard imagining a life alone; but being alone won't last forever. Somewhere down the line you will find someone who deserves your love and will say they love you and mean it.
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Old 03-29-2018, 10:01 PM   #7
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No contact, no contact, NO CONTACT. Do not answer phone. Do not send money. Zero contact. Get an order of protection for you and your kids.
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Old 03-31-2018, 02:46 PM   #8
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Default Re: Can't figure out what's the truth or lies

Quote:
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No contact, no contact, NO CONTACT. Do not answer phone. Do not send money. Zero contact. Get an order of protection for you and your kids.
I have nothing to add except that I totally agree with this. Itís hard because you love the person and that makes you minimize the terrible things they did and said to you. Which is why NC is the only way. Itís like detoxing. And not only are you worth more than this, but your kids deserve better than seeing that itís okay to be treated this way.

I wish you all be best.
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Old 04-12-2018, 05:11 PM   #9
Momofmmsa
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I know you're right in my head. Thank you. I just need to use my head more often.
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Old 04-13-2018, 11:37 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Momofmmsa View Post
I donít feel like a survivor because itís still fresh but I am alive. My husband is in jail, he is on state parole so I didnít even have to do anything except make the call to get him taken away. My problem is that I still love him. I saw him today for the first time in 18 days. It was a good visit, I didnít cry. Iím not experienced with this jail crap and the mail rules. He has asked for some medical papers and pictures and artwork from the girls. (The girls are not his biologically but in this last year and 8 months, he had been the closest thing to a father that they have had in their short 7 and 8 year lives.) I apparently used the wrong type of envelope and picture size and artwork was on construction paper and in crayon, what else is expected from 7 and 8 year olds. I didnít know the rules of mail, from what I found online everything I did was acceptable. Pictures have to be no bigger than 4x6, no one told me. So the things sent in the mail with the artwork are going to be returned to me. So, about 2 hours or less after the visit he calls and tells me how stupid I am that I canít follow simple directions, totally ruined the better feeling I was having. As of now, Iíve only been diagnosed with depression and generalized anxiety, thatís been many years now. Reading on this site, I think I need to speak to my doctor about other things, for one PTSD from this incident, borderline personality disorder, and childhood emotional neglect. I know tomorrow, heís going to call and tell me he misses me and loves me, and Iím going to believe it. I think he has an antisocial personality disorder but maybe he just doesnít have a heart. He will not ever be allowed by law to live in the home we had together until he is off of state parole. That was going to be in 2021. There hasnít been a hearing yet, the first 2 were continued and now itís set for April 20. Iíve always had trust issues and I trusted him and revealed things to him that I didnít share with anyone, he now uses those things against me. The verbal abuse has been going on for months. I grew up with that so after a while, it doesnít hurt as much. The physical, that just started in the last month or two. His parole officer said that if by some chance he beats these charges, he will be released to a Community Corrections Center (kind of like a halfway house) and have mandatory counseling. Is there any hope of an abuser changing? Or did I just throw away the last almost 2 years of mine and my girlsí lives?


Something that concerns me about your post is the how in one statement you bring up the idea that he's the closest thing they've had to a father. First off. if the closest thing to a father is an abusive male like him, that in no way makes it ok to consider this person a father figure. The closest thing is never good enough really. It has to be someone that deserves the title of father, period and that is in lieu of a better example or not. Second part of this that bothers me is that to me it implies an attempt to sort of "make human" of your abuser. yes he is human but do you think in all the time he was abusing you that he ever considered you that way? No. It also shows that you need to be free of his influence for a good long time to find yourself and evaluate so you know you won't get in the abusive situation again with anyone, including him.


You are not obligated to send him anything and I think the interaction with him needs to be 100% cut off. you need to get past this abuse and relationship and move on but it won't happen until you cut everything off. Nows your chance to be free


Here's the kicker. He's in jail. The ultimate punishment excepting death itself. He is still abusing you. What does this tell you about him? He's still going to abuse you verbally when this jail sentence at the very least ought to be making him reassess his own behavior but it's not. You hve your answer whether he's going to change or not. there is no remorse here and no guilt.


I don't care what personality disorder, mi, upbringing, handicap or disability this person has. He has no right to abuse and hes paying for it. Wash your hands of this man and move on, both for your good and your children's.
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