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Old 04-10-2018, 10:20 AM   #11
s4ndm4n2006
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Default Re: Emotionally Unsupportive Husband

I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that it's perpetuating the cycle. you can't tell from the information given. from what he's said he sounds genuine in trying to do what is right but I agree there is a cycle that happens in abuse situations. There is the honeymoon phase following a peak in the abuse where the abuser tries very hard to win the victim's trust back etc.


I was actually going to ask if he's been here before where he feels the way he does and wanted to fix everything since that typically happens repeatedly.


I don't know how I feel with the couples vs individual counseling but I do feel individual counseling regarding himself is definitely a priority tho.
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Old 04-10-2018, 10:27 AM   #12
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Whether itís the first time through this particular cycle or not, if the OP doesnít get help for his underlying issues, he will almost certainly go back to the same actions. Abusers are like everyone else, people with wounds and dysfunctions that need to be addressed in order to achieve real change. Unfortunately itís just not as simple as switching a button from a-hole to not-an-a-hole.

Iím basing my observations in part on the OPís reporter actions: showering his wife with affection despite her aversion to it; waking her up, when she is tired and vulnerable, to make promises of change, rather than waiting until the next day to have a conversation where both can participate equally. Conscious or unconscious, these are not healthy ways of acting.
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Old 04-10-2018, 10:37 AM   #13
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Default Re: Emotionally Unsupportive Husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by Middlemarcher View Post
Whether itís the first time through this particular cycle or not, if the OP doesnít get help for his underlying issues, he will almost certainly go back to the same actions. Abusers are like everyone else, people with wounds and dysfunctions that need to be addressed in order to achieve real change. Unfortunately itís just not as simple as switching a button from a-hole to not-an-a-hole.

Iím basing my observations in part on the OPís reporter actions: showering his wife with affection despite her aversion to it; waking her up, when she is tired and vulnerable, to make promises of change, rather than waiting until the next day to have a conversation where both can participate equally. Conscious or unconscious, these are not healthy ways of acting.


Oh I agree for the most part with what you said here and previously I just try to have an objective view of things and see all sides of a situation.. Thing is he may or may not be genuine, but if he is, I think that his own individual counseling should and would be one of his priorities.


@OP your behaviors that you portray also did not become what they are overnight and like Mid said it's not as easy as turning on/off a switch. It's something that's going to take some work and practice and likely you don't understand all of the different dynamics of a relationship in a healthy way, therefore the reason for individual counseling.
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Old 04-10-2018, 11:21 AM   #14
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Default Re: Emotionally Unsupportive Husband

An epiphany can be a "wake up" call for a person, however, you cannot expect others to suddenly believe you when you tell them you are sorry and that you want to make things up to them.

It sounds like you have been at war with yourself, that you had a lot of anger and you ended up taking that out on your wife and your family. You can't expect your wife to just forget what you have put her through and that you pushed her to the point where she distanced from you. Her telling you that she is happier with this distance means that she finally realized that she was very unhappy and the distance brought her some relief and "freedom".

As someone who endured a lot of challenges myself with a husband that can be a Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde, I can tell you that just because my husband apologized, it did not "just" take away the "years" of suffering that I experienced. Also, you have to understand that just because you experienced a wake up call, it's STILL all about you and your world. Your tears are about "yourself" as well and while you woke your wife up and cried, you were crying for yourself NOT FOR HER.

Getting up and making breakfast "for" your wife is ALSO about you too, do you know that? When someone experiences a wake up call, it's THEIR wake up call. So just because you see your own faults and whatever you failed to appreciate it's still about you and NOT about all the years you took your issues out on others and basically ran over their feelings, emotions, and wants and needs to actually experience someone who actually CARES about them and what all the bad behaviors that may have gone on for YEARS did to them.

One nite my husband came home from an AA meeting and the discussion he listened to was that all these individuals who were working on being sober, learning how to live their lives sober, learning that the world doesn't revolve around them, learning to finally GROW UP, that these individuals would have to understand how their wives/significant others would FINALLY go through their OWN kind of breakdown. Their significant others would have to have their own healing process and greiving for all the YEARS they endured their partners selfishness and abuse where they basically lived their lives around the alcoholic and HIS broken world and anger and whatever he ran away from in himself and ended up turning to alcohol.

Truth is ALL THE TIME my husband was going to meetings and learning how to live his life sober and GROW UP and admit his faults, IT WAS STILL ALL ABOUT HIM. My husband just assumed that because he finally admitted he had a problem and wanted to change and do better that I WOULD BE HEALED TOO. However, my husband NEVER realized the depth of what his problem was and how getting sober was and still is ALL ABOUT HIM, has actually left ME feeling lonely.

Getting up with YOUR epiphany and waking your wife up and crying was NOT about her, can see that? Being nice and making her breakfast is not about her either, again even though you see things differently IT'S STILL ABOUT YOU. You have to realize that you have NOT lived in HER shoes and you were NOT on the receiving end of what it has been like to live with someone who was so self absorbed and angry. Just because you all of a sudden decided you love her and appreciate her is NOT going to change HER FEELINGS and HURTS.
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