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Old 03-15-2018, 11:58 AM   #1
graystreet
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Default Spinning Wheels

After things ended last Sunday, I was feeling calm, resigned, and ready to move forward. When I found out about her on Wednesday, I felt shock, anger, but mostly relief that my intuition had been correct. I had moments of sadness which took my breath away and left me sobbing, but they were fleeting. Mostly when I was in the shower; not sure why. but I was doing okay, and surprised at how strong I felt.

Since Monday though, Iíve been feeling odd. I canít relax, nothing seems fun to me. Iím off work because of an injury (have been for weeks) and, where I used to just happily lean into the abundance of time, it now just seems so big and quiet. I donít want to watch TV, read, journal. Canít go out for a walk (injury). I donít want to think about him, either, but I find the wheels spinning when I know itís just wasted energy, and no part of me really wants to dwell. But I canít find anything else to push it out of my brain.

The hardest part is that I miss him, or what I thought was him. I miss his texts, his voice. I miss our friendship. Part of me wishes I didnít know about her (them, probably more than one) and I could have gone on just thinking we werenít right for each other and it ended explosively, not that heíd been lying to me probably forever and about everything. And it doesnít help me to know he was likely texting other women. I want to think something was real; this man and I became close through very similar, painful circumstances. And I know that wasnít a lie; I witnessed it. I know he was once capable of loving deeply; I witnessed that, too, and watched him fall apart when she suddenly died 13 years ago. He still comments on her photo, every 3 years or so, that he loves and misses her.

But it doesnít matter what I want, Iíll never know what was real and what wasnít. Iím just trying to fill up the empty space where he used to be, and Iím not finding much success. And, unfortunately, I can probably only afford to see my T once a week.
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Old 03-15-2018, 07:04 PM   #2
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What you experience is normal. Human. Feeling all kind of emotions. Normal.

As about missing him. When you miss him, reread your posts and think of horrible things he did and said. He is honestly a horrible person.

I cannot imagine any even remotely decent person behave in such way and say such horrid things. No amount of excuses will change the fact that he is not a good person.

If you still consider him someone worthy of your time, then itís something to look into. Iíve met a lot of people in my life. Canít imagine anyone behaving like he did. What he said and did isnít something even remotely appropriate or common in any shape or form. He is a bad person.

Sure he was and is likely capable of love. Even the most evil people are capable of love. It doesnít make him a good person.

So what do you really miss? You didnít spend much time with him face to face hence you did not know who he really is. What you knew was fantasy that he skillfully created and made you to believe.

Space he occupied in your life with fantasy feels empty for now, but it is now available for something real. Men or no men. You can fill that space with real stuff now. You are free from fantasy.

Hope your foot injury heals soon and you can enjoy being outside as it gets warmer (hopefully spring will come soon). Hang in there.
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Old 03-15-2018, 11:59 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
What you experience is normal. Human. Feeling all kind of emotions. Normal.

As about missing him. When you miss him, reread your posts and think of horrible things he did and said. He is honestly a horrible person.

I cannot imagine any even remotely decent person behave in such way and say such horrid things. No amount of excuses will change the fact that he is not a good person.

If you still consider him someone worthy of your time, then itís something to look into. Iíve met a lot of people in my life. Canít imagine anyone behaving like he did. What he said and did isnít something even remotely appropriate or common in any shape or form. He is a bad person.

Sure he was and is likely capable of love. Even the most evil people are capable of love. It doesnít make him a good person.

So what do you really miss? You didnít spend much time with him face to face hence you did not know who he really is. What you knew was fantasy that he skillfully created and made you to believe.

Space he occupied in your life with fantasy feels empty for now, but it is now available for something real. Men or no men. You can fill that space with real stuff now. You are free from fantasy.

Hope your foot injury heals soon and you can enjoy being outside as it gets warmer (hopefully spring will come soon). Hang in there.
No, he's not someone worthy of my time. And I've blocked him from any way of contacting me, and I know he's done the same. I understand he's gone so far as to change his phone number. That's a lot of work to go through when I've had to go ahead and do the work of disconnecting from other means of online communication. Whatever; not my problem. My T says it's all part of the "feel sorry for me, I was a victim" narrative he has now switched to, and is maintaining. He was doing it with me regarding the previous woman he was dating (whom I know never cheated and likely did nothing that he said she did, but that was the narrative). It's just my turn. My T says it seems very likely, by his anger and reactions, that while he's very good at his game and has been doing it a long time, he's never been caught out quite like this before.

I miss how I believed things were. Of course it was a fantasy; he knew who I thought he was and played that up. He also knew what I wanted in a relationship, and played that up as well. He said just enough to make me believe he was on board with out really committing to anything, though I thought he did. But I had a certain idea in my mind for so long that it's hard to switch gears and say oh...this was a lie. It was all a lie. The sweet little made up way we said we cared about each other, it doesn't mean anything because it was a lie. The sweet things he did while I was there that were exclusive to me because they were for me and because of me didn't matter because it was all a lie.

My T said do you think it's possible he could have feelings for more than one person (she understands he is a covert narcissist, but she's getting at a deeper matter, here). Yes. I do. But that's not the point. The point is I just didn't want to bother if he were involved with other women. That, and he lied. Everything was a lie. And she knows that, but yeah, of course someone can have feelings for me and someone else.

Yeah, he's a terrible person. I know. I'm better now than I was earlier, probably because I had a T appointment between then and now. If I could have someone tell me every day that I'm not a terrible person, and that I didn't cause this, it would be helpful, because going a week between appointments seems to be where I'm struggling. And I can't afford to go more often. I'm not falling apart or anything, it's just that I need the reinforcement more often than just weekly.
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Old 03-16-2018, 05:52 AM   #4
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We can give you reenforcement. You did nothing wrong

I think itís more than cheating, with cheating he hoped he wouldnít get caught. But he said and did deliberately cruel mean things to your face or over the phone. You donít say these kind of things to strangers let someone you know.

Of course he tells ďvictimĒ story. Bet the story is that someone pursued him so aggressively that drove across the country to just be with him. Heíd skip the portion of the story where he was pretending to be on board with that. You donít know those people he is telling victim story to. Itís of no importance to you

You did nothing wrong. He preys on vulnerable women. Thatís how he operates. I bet he did this crap to many other women. Not just you
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Old 03-16-2018, 06:04 AM   #5
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I'm sorry you were treated this badly. It will take time to heal.. please, try to hang on.
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Old 03-16-2018, 06:46 AM   #6
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No, it's not your fault at all. He is responsible for his own actions. He cheated, he lied. It is all on him. When it comes down to character flaws like this, you have to look at it all square in the face and say to yourself that you are fine just as you are and that it's all HIM. Anyone who lies and cheats has major character flaws.

I am so very sorry that you were so misled. I know the feeling of realizing it was all a lie and something far different than you thought it was.

It will take time, but please do keep reaffirming to yourself that there is nothing you could have done differently.

I am glad you have blocked him.

(((((Hugs))))))
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Old 03-16-2018, 09:10 AM   #7
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Thank you, everyone.
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