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Old 03-14-2018, 03:31 PM   #1
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Default Friend is being not so nice

I have a bit of a problem. A friend of mine has been really treating me poorly lately.

He and I have a complicated history. We met about 2 years ago when we started school together. We were study buddies, and then friends, and then more than friends. Finally he decided that he wanted to date other women and it has been downhill from there. Up until a week ago I still probably considered him one of my best and closest friends.

Also, I live with him in the same flat, but separate bedrooms.

He has always been critical of me, fast to complain and slow to show gratitude. But this past week has just been on a whole other level.

Last Thursday, as I was getting out of class my professor wanted to talk to me. He told me that I did really well on the quiz we had just taken and that he was impressed. He told me that he thought I was one of the smartest people in the class based on my contribution to class discussions, and that he thinks I have the potential to be an excellent physician (I'm a med student).

Hearing those words really was refreshing because I was already going through a hard time emotionally. I was struggling with my self esteem and hearing him say that made me think I was "good enough".

However, I lost track of time while I was talking to him. Turns out we had talked for 40 min. I checked my phone to see a few impatient but civil texts from my friend basically saying he was hungry. I sent him a quick message explaining that I had stayed late to talk to the prof.

"I have one thing to say, eff you" was the message he sent back to me, though he used the actual swear word. After that, he refused to talk to me for almost 24 hours.

Things were calm until Sunday. He had an activity planned at noon that he wanted me to be his partner for. He had someone assigned to him from his class, but he insisted that I come instead because he didn't know his assigned partner well. She also found someone else.

I had the same activity for my class at 10. I didn't know how long it would take and there was no clock in the room, but I got out at 11:50, ten min before my friend's activity.

He was angry with me again, saying that I could have caused him to fail. I tried to explain that it was a school activity and that there is nothing I could have done, but he kept saying I could have told my professor that I had to go at noon and rushed through it.

He was irritable all day. Later that night, he left to go to a birthday dinner with a mutual friend. He told me last minute that they were leaving at that very moment. I told him I was going to come later because I was video chatting with a friend that I hadn't seen for awhile.

As soon as I finished my conversation, I messaged him and asked him where they were. It took him nearly 30 min to reply. He told me later that he was thinking of not telling me at all so that I couldn't go, as "punishment" for how I had inconvenienced him earlier.

I thought that was seriously messed up, but I didn't say anything. It got better after that for 2 days, until yesterday when the peace was broken again.

This time there was a form we had to fill out for school, and I filled mine out alone. Apparently he had told me that he wanted us to fill it out together. I don't remember him saying any such thing.

I tried to talk to him last night about how yes, I can inconvenience him sometimes, but getting so angry just makes the problem worse. I offered to go through the form with it while he filled it out, but he refused. He called me "unreliable" several times.

It is now past 8 PM today and he still has not really talked to me. He did make me dinner while my class ran over, which I appreciated. But he still has been cold as ice.

His behavior is so hurtful to me. It makes me so mad that he would treat me this way. Swear at me, give me the silent treatment...he also told me earlier this week that he was starting to doubt that I was any smarter than our dog...

He gets upset if I do my laundry without offering to do his. He has only done his own laundry once this entire academic year. When I do something that he thinks as dumb he slaps me lightly as a joke. It doesn't hurt physically but it hurts psychologically.

I understand that I have inconvenienced him a bit this past week, but I don't think I deserve to be treated so cruelly.

I have ADHD so I frequently lose track of time and forget what people may have said to me. I try really hard but sometimes I still fail. I understand that having to wait 40 min for dinner or fill out a form by yourself can be a bit inconvenient, but to me it doesn't seem worth getting so angry over. I can't help being a little scatterbrained, but he has a choice to be mean or not.

Everyone here is stressed, we have a major exam in two weeks. But still, stress is no excuse to hurt your friends.

What can I do to try to keep the peace? I only have about a month left here, then I return home.
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Old 03-14-2018, 03:37 PM   #2
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He doesn't sound like much of a friend to me, honestly. My advice? Do your schooling, go home, and leave this guy in the dust. I see no redeeming qualities about him in this post, yet many reasons to end the friendship. I am sorry that he is treating you this way.

If you are determined to make this friendship work, it's time to sit down with him and have a discussion about his behaviour and how it affects you. Maybe show him this post or copy and paste what you wrote here into a word document and show him that (if you don't want him to know about your membership here). Whatever you decide, I wish you all the best.
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Old 03-14-2018, 04:12 PM   #3
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Hmm. I would ask him point blank what is bothering him because he seems to be very tense with lately and is taking out a lot of frustration and anger on you. IF the behavior continues after a discussion, then I would say it's time to terminate the friendship. Something is clearly up his a*s so to speak. Whatever it is, you have a right to know. I would want to know what changed and why.
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Old 03-14-2018, 04:22 PM   #4
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I would say either sit down with him and ask him why he's been treating you this way or try to get through the remaining month.
Either way I hope things get resolved for your sake.
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Old 03-14-2018, 05:42 PM   #5
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I just see one red flag after another. Seems he is taking it upon himself to be abusive. Slapping you? Guilt tripping you about your educational obligations? Name calling? Going from what I would consider exclusive intimacy to he'll be with whomever he wants, just don't forget to wash and fold his laundry? To making dinner(sweet moment) to saying you're less than your dog?

When does it end?
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Old 03-14-2018, 06:24 PM   #6
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Um, you're not his mom or his girlfriend, you're just his roommate and friend. He needs to respect boundaries. It doesn't sound like you have inconvenienced him at all. He just feels inconvenienced because he expects you to wait on him hand and foot for some reason. I would discuss boundaries with him and let him know his behavior is unacceptable. You are not his mother, his GF, or his doormat.
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Old 03-14-2018, 06:59 PM   #7
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I don't understand why he expects you to help him so much. You have your own life and your own studies. Why wouldn't you focus on getting your own work done instead of his? It's his responsibility to get his forms filled out and his clothes washed. You are not his unpaid servant!

It sounds like he has gotten used to having you take care of him. If you simply stop (which I would do), he will probably be hostile towards you as he was this week. The alternative is that you continue to sacrifice your own needs to keep him happy. At least you just have a month left. Take good care of yourself and good luck with your exams!
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Old 03-14-2018, 09:05 PM   #8
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Default Re: Friend is being not so nice

He has always been critical of me, fast to complain and slow to show gratitude.
Why have you put up with this from a “friend” and “more than that”?

Why do you do his laundry?

How is your self-esteem?
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Old 03-14-2018, 10:03 PM   #9
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Sounds a lot like what I went through with a so-called "friend". I ignored glaring red flags like what you're dealing with and tried to work it out - I kept taking the blame and tried reasoning with him when I knew something was his fault. There were some good moments that made it worth it to me, but in the end all I was to him was something to talk to until he had other friends to talk to and most of the time I was all he had. Eventually I had finally had enough, but it took me a long time to realize it would never get better.

It may or may not be the same case with your friend, and you should certainly try talking with him about it, but if he insists that you are the one to blame and the petty BS doesn't stop then do yourself a huge favor and leave his toxic behavior behind.
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Old 03-14-2018, 11:16 PM   #10
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Default Re: Friend is being not so nice

First of all, don't put up with someone insinuating you're not smart; you got into medical school. I've worked in the medical field myself for 17 years, and I know what you guys go through to get in. That's just some BS.

Anyway, I see way too many red flags here to let go of the fact that this may be a situation from which you need to walk away. Academically, you have to put forth too much effort to have to deal with someone playing mind games, and stressing you in the way he is. I might agree with those who are saying to sit him down and ask what is going on with him if he wasn't gently slapping you, and if you weren't in medical school. I'd hate to see him pull you down at a time in your life when you need to be thinking about you and your future, because you've still got a long road ahead of you.

I wish you the best.

PS I like your username
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