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Old 03-13-2018, 10:32 PM #1
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Default No friends

After yoga tonight someone asked what I do with my friends. I said "I don't."
Then I was asked, "you don't have friends that you do stuff with, do you?"
I again answered, "I don't."
I'm really down about having to admit it out loud.
I have friends but none that EVER really want to do things. I didn't have fun at the radio club so I just quit going. I haven't even transmitted since December. I went to a funeral Saturday for a friend's mom, and the usual platitude of "we need to do something sometime" was passed around. I went to another friend's wedding, same Saturday, but there wasn't anything there for me and that drive is 75 minutes away. The few people I knew at the wedding beyond the couple just ignored me when I tried to talk to them. So, I mostly stay by myself, feeling depressed.
I'm also a bit down about something I don't quite understand. I tried to give an MP3 player I don't use to one of the instructors at the gym Monday so she could store the class's music on it. She got angry with me somehow, like I'd offended her in some way. I stopped talking at that point and did class and nothing else. She also got angry another time when I tried to give her an audio adapter to make hooking up her music easier for her.
It's not one thing but these things in combination that are causing me to start slipping downward. I might try silence again for a while. It was very easy to not speak to anyone about anything for a few days at a time. It kept me married for a longer time.
I know the problems here are me and I have to figure them out, but any help would be appreciated.
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Old 03-13-2018, 11:22 PM #2
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Default Re: No friends

I totally understand where you're coming from, SorryShaped, and I am sorry that you are feeling this way. I sometimes feel this way too, though I do have a handful of friends with whom I hang out and who have been invaluable to me during my recent issues. But it didn't come easily. It's difficult as an adult to find friendships, and when I've lamented a lack of friendships, people would always tell me to volunteer! go to church! take a class! sign up for online dating! just be friendly to people!! It's annoying because sometimes it's like well, I've tried all of those things and it doesn't work.

I don't know that I have specific advice for you except to try and be kind to yourself. This isn't necessarily about you; it certainly isn't exclusive to you. I don't know the situation, because I wasn't there, but I don't believe that the issue with the gym instructor was personal. Sometimes certain kinds of women, when approached by a man they don't know trying to give them something, get this idea in their head that he must be flirting and go on the defensive and get snotty. I'm not saying all women or even most women. I'm saying that it's possible because, in the past, I was this kind of woman, just not very open and friendly. So, like I said, if you can, try and chalk it up to an issue with her and not you.

Again, I don't know that I have much in the way of help to offer, but I wanted you to know that you aren't alone. And I'm sorry you are feeling this way.
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Old 03-14-2018, 01:27 AM #3
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Default Re: No friends

I agree with graystreet about the possible misunderstanding the instructor may have had, that because you're trying to give her something, maybe you're showing your interest and will expect something in return. It could also be against the gym policy to accept things from people, who knows.

I really can't say why you're having a hard time with your friends. There aren't a lot of details in your post and there are so many things that could be going on. However, I do think you were way too honest with that person who asked you what you do with friends and that some kind of evasion would really have served you better. You could have said you're really busy with work right now, or that you're new in town and haven't met anyone, or that you're a bit of a loner, or you could have just shared something that you enjoy and ignored the part about friends. That person was reaching out to you. Who knows, maybe you have a common interest? And if not that person, then maybe the next person who asks you some question. I think it's important to make a good impression and not be overly honest with strangers.
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Old 03-14-2018, 02:24 AM #4
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Default Re: No friends

Quote:
Originally Posted by DoroMona View Post
However, I do think you were way too honest with that person who asked you what you do with friends and that some kind of evasion would really have served you better. You could have said you're really busy with work right now, or that you're new in town and haven't met anyone, or that you're a bit of a loner, or you could have just shared something that you enjoy and ignored the part about friends. That person was reaching out to you. Who knows, maybe you have a common interest? And if not that person, then maybe the next person who asks you some question. I think it's important to make a good impression and not be overly honest with strangers.
Same. I don't get out a lot anymore, and it has more to do with the fact that I have a stressful job, would rather spend time relaxing, and my friends have families than the fact that I just don't have friends. So, when asked, I generally say what I'd like to do if I have a chance to go out, even if it's been over a month since I've actually gone out. Which has totally been the case!
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Old 03-14-2018, 07:45 AM #5
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Default Re: No friends

Volunteer? That's something the club did a lot of but I just quit caring about it. After I was elected secretary in '16, I had a mental breakdown into a fully depressive bipolar episode and I was never able to do the job. Another guy stepped in but I took it in the fall of mania and knew I couldn't do it but tried anyway. I go to some meetings and never say a word to anyone the entire time. After the time I went and tried saying hello to several people and they said hi and walked away to someone else. I also just don't care about the technical side any more.
Class? I take up to eleven exercise classes a week. Yoga is my primary focus, but I also take Pound once and Barre twice a week.
Online dating? Just no. If I don't meet someone naturally, I just won't. I really like someone but she ignores me too. So I'll go back to being single forever.
Church? I literally can't stand the Church. Too much history there from being bullied and beaten. My neck hurts daily from what probably was the genesis of my pain, being beaten over the head with hymnals and bibles for over twenty minutes by two bullies. Pun intended, even on this subject of pain. I also disagree with most of most religions and their practices. They're all so sexist and elitist and some are racist even.
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Old 03-14-2018, 09:54 AM #6
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Default Re: No friends

I think youre misunderstanding. Im not saying to do any of those things. Im saying sometimes, when one says they have no friends, those are often the go-to solutions people will give you.

You literally missed more positive, kind things myself and the other responder said to you, as well as what actually could have been of assistance to you, and focused on the things you hate.

Is it possible that some negativity is at play, here?
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Old 03-14-2018, 10:10 AM #7
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Default Re: No friends

I understand completely. I have also been plegued with friends who are absent. Most people who pretend to be friends are actually using me for their own gain. I have had to become a hermit to keep from being used by people who say they care about me and then turn around and use me later. I have basically given up on the human race.
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Old 03-14-2018, 10:13 AM #8
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Default Re: No friends

I'm sorry. I have lots of struggles with making friends as well. It looks like one doesn't know where to start from...
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Old 03-14-2018, 11:19 AM #9
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Default Re: No friends

@graystreet, I was agreeing in the most of ways by using examples.
I honestly don't know where to begin. I don't drink alcohol by choice, so bars are not a solid place for me to go. I can get very drunk and not feel it. Last time I drank with others they let me drive! I do go to the library sometimes to be near people but don't have to talk to them even though I do want to talk to them.
So, I go to the gym. I can always put on my headphones and zone out. I sometimes talk to others but then it never becomes anything outside of the gym, even when I try by asking.
I'm very depressed today and am considering full isolation for a while, even though I think yoga keeps me above ground.
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Old 03-15-2018, 03:46 PM #10
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Default Re: No friends

Have you considered what makes social people successful? If you wish to make change I believe the start to a solution is to observe those around you; how do they talk and what is their non-verbal communication?

Regarding your gym instructor she may have found your presentation threatening or otherwise unwelcome.
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