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Old 02-02-2018, 07:10 AM   #11
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Default Re: Mother's health issues plus difficult relationship

Thanks all for your support and stories, it definitely helps.

Emgreen - Yeah, our dog was more or less attached to the hip with me all day, always watching what I was doing, so the house feels so empty. We have another dog, but she kind of lives in her own world, doesn't interact with us as much. Yesterday would have been his 13th birthday, so that was kind of tough.

For some reason this memory of a situation with my mother keeps repeating in my mind. It happened when I told her that my ex and I broke up. She completely treated me like a child that couldn't take care of herself.

First of all, she assumed that I was completely destroyed but the whole situation when really the writing had been on the wall for a while, so I was over it pretty quickly. I only told her about a month later when I was okay with it all so I could handle it better.

Then, she had the idea that all our mutual friends must have sided with him and I was pretty much abandoned and alone. Again, not true at all, I had plenty of support.

Also, she assumed that he made more money than me and I must not be able to pay the bills on my own. I actually made more money than him and was fine financially. The ex wasn’t even contributing to the expenses much since his parents were going through a divorce and he was helping out his mother with money.

She started on this whole spiel about how I needed to consider moving back to my home country to stay with them “while I got back on my feet”. Apparently she thought I was only living here because of him and my life revolved around him, when in reality I have a whole life here, friends, pets, my career.

They live in a touristy area with mostly just minimum wage jobs in tourist businesses, so there were no opportunities there. This was when the world economy was a mess, so it wouldn’t be easy to find a job in another area while living with them with so many people looking for work. I doubt in that climate many companies would pay for me to travel to an interview, for example.

I guess to me this was the perfect example of how she always tended to assume the worst about me and treat me accordingly. Also, and this relates to her NPD, I think in this specific situation she thought she could sweep in and help me “get my life back together” and be the hero of the situation, a story which she would later tell to everyone who would listen.
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Old 02-07-2018, 08:00 AM   #12
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Well, they've gone silent. I have emailed both my parents and nothing, even though they have been active on FB posting non-important stuff. It makes me feel like why should I bother. I'm not writing again unless they contact me.
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Old 02-07-2018, 06:34 PM   #13
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Wow, I'm sorry they are like that. It really does make you wonder why you should bother or why you should feel guilty about not feeling sad enough.
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Old 02-26-2018, 06:46 AM   #14
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Since then, I got have received only generic email from my dad, sent to various family members, saying the surgery went fine and that she would have a consult with her surgeon on the 19th. There's been no communication about how it went. She never answered my email, and my dad never answered my email to him either.

Now that I think of it, I guess I didn't realize it so much, she had pretty much delegated "dealing" with me to my dad for at least the last year and a half. Other other emails I sent her in the past were never answered either, same with Facebook messages. Any gifts were only acknowledged by my father, not her.

In a way, realizing that makes me feel better about my reaction. It's not like she wants any realationship with me anyways.

I wonder if that initial reaction where I felt like I snapped when I got the email saying she's not well was more because I could sort of just pretend like she doesn't exist a lot of the time. But this whole situation put me back on her radar.
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Old 02-28-2018, 08:09 AM   #15
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Another generic mail. I guess the first surgery didn't get everything, she has to go back in for a second surgery. I am just in no condition to be dealing with this right now, but I guess I should write back with a generic, "thanks for letting me know, we'll bet thinking of her, blah, blah."
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Old 12-13-2018, 07:05 AM   #16
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Well, she has ignored me all these months, just having my dad "deal with" me.


Last night I got an email from him saying that she had a stroke. It doesn't sound like it was so serious, but she has movement issues on one side and will need rehabilitation. The numb feeling is back and I haven't responded yet. Still trying to process.

A piece of me feels like I should try ot plan a trip at some point in the not so far future. However, the timing could not be worse.


We are in the process of buying a house. We should sign the deed within the next week. It's new construction, so it doesn't need extensive renovations, but we will need to handle getting some work done before we can move. The laundry room isn't completely finished, the yard needs grass and tiling, lighting fixtures and curtains/rods need to be installed, etc. Then there is the move itself. All that is going to take a lot of time, energy and money. We had basically resigned ourself for not taking any trips in the near future.


And then there is the part of me that wonders if she would even care or want me to come.


I'm just rambling a bit, thanks for listening. I guess I should at least give a generic response.
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Old 12-13-2018, 08:51 AM   #17
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How would going or not going affect your relationship with your father and siblings?

My NPD father passed away this year and it was so much harder than I expected. I made the best choices I could at the time but still have a lot of doubts. I'm sorry you are going through this, especially when you are moving into a new home!
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Old 12-13-2018, 11:01 AM   #18
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Hi Rechu,


I sympathize with you. I am going through strange feelings also after my mother-in-law died. I lived with her for a few years, and she was highly critical of me. I could not talk to her in private because she would twist my words or try to read my thoughts through my words. Instead of numbness, I feel anger. The living room is full of pictures that remind me of her. I sought some therapy, because it is hard for me to "be there" for my husband and my brother-in-law, who also live with us. My brother-in-law is the one who is unwilling to take down the pictures, so I get upset with him every day. I know there is nothing I can do about it except to get therapy.



I applaud you for setting up boundaries. Distancing yourself from your mom makes sense. However, if you just decide not to follow up on her at all, you might feel guilty later. I am sorry to hear about your dog and your mom. That is a lot to deal with at one time. Therapy would help you deal with grief. You are feeling grief now, and not everyone experiences grief the same way at the same time.
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Old 12-13-2018, 12:11 PM   #19
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Sending many hugs to you, rechu. Remember that you're very strong
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Old 12-27-2018, 04:35 PM   #20
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I can relate to the difficulties with your mom. Mine is narcissistic, judgmental and not interested in anyone but herself.
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