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Old 09-08-2016, 09:12 PM   #11
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This about not boundaries in this thread this is about a mask being called a boundary

We are not talking about the same thing
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Old 09-08-2016, 09:13 PM   #12
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This about not boundaries in this thread this is about a mask being called a boundary
The only person we can talk about regarding boundaries is ourselves because boundaries is an inside job. That is my belief. You have a different one. I will leave you and the other poster to it.
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Old 09-08-2016, 09:15 PM   #13
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The only person we can talk about regarding boundaries is ourselves because boundaries is an inside job. That is my belief. You have a different one. I will leave you and the other poster to it.


I understand your point and do not disagree... However, What We are talking about here is the miss use of the word boundary.
And using that word to cover up a behavior that had nothing to do with a healthy values set.

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Old 09-08-2016, 09:31 PM   #14
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It sounds like you're describing a defense mechanism more than a boundary.
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Old 09-08-2016, 09:43 PM   #15
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It sounds like you're describing a defense mechanism more than a boundary.


Yes that may be a better way to put it. Thank you
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Old 09-09-2016, 10:28 AM   #16
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I understand your point and do not disagree... However, What We are talking about here is the miss use of the word boundary.
And using that word to cover up a behavior that had nothing to do with a healthy values set.


We can not assign motive to others, all we can do is say how others affect us, otherwise we are judging them and if we think they are behaving badly, now we are too. Rather then asking why are they doing that we should be asking why am I feeling this? Others are not responsible for our feelings, nor are they the cause .
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Old 09-09-2016, 11:41 AM   #17
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Leomama: I think one would ask rather what am I observing instead of feeling. As feelings are not objective, as they are produced by perception and can be misinformed by a false perceptions.

How we are affected by another persons behavior is exactly why this is a problem. The idea of using a word in this case "boundary" to cover up symptomatic behavior is not healthy nor does it lead to successful interpersonal relationships. This really is not rocket science as this is quite obvious in the example of avoiding and pushing away. Or when someone is first learning how to be assertive.

Healthy boundaries are not an issue as they are heathy. The problem is when a person who has gone into therapy, learns about boundaries & using this healthy idea to cover up PD behavior.

Again judging and discernment have nothing to do with being judgmental. A person who is judgmental has a cognitive issue in relationship to what they are looking at. But that is another topic just like the topic of boundaries are another topic.

This topic is about masking PD behavior with a word that is associated with healthy behavior...

I will post a few articles on this just incase I have not been clear here.
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Old 09-09-2016, 11:43 AM   #18
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-> we are still judging another when we ascribe meaning to their behavior. All we can be sure of is how it affects us. We can not why they are behaving the way they do unless we ask them and accept their answer.
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Old 09-09-2016, 11:46 AM   #19
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Some people can't stand to be criticized at all and they'll say their boundaries have been crossed. Other people would say extreme, unwarranted criticism has crossed their boundaries. It's subjective to each person, it's not a thing to judge, it just is what people say and how sensitive they are.
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Old 09-09-2016, 12:10 PM   #20
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Quote:
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-> we are still judging another when we ascribe meaning to their behavior. All we can be sure of is how it affects us. We can not why they are behaving the way they do unless we ask them and accept their answer.


When a child has gotten into the cookie jar and has chocolate chips all over their lips and cheeks it is not being judgmental to understand what has occurred. The same is true for using a word like boundary to mask PD traits.

This behavior can be addressed several ways for example and these are just a few ideas.


1) wanting to continue the relationship with the understand the relationship will not be a normal one and so reducing expectation of having a normal relationship.

2) the behavior is off putting &
staying in it would be stifling

3) ) stay positive and supportive but realize the relationship will be very limited. Try to work with this person and in time help them establish actual boundaries that match their values.

4) Have limited contact until you see they are able to be in a normal healthy relationship

All of these would of course take a lot of acceptance like in the case of a parent.
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