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Old 08-27-2006, 08:10 PM   #1
seame
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Default What is stopping me in my tracks?

I can not seem to move on with my life and relationships since my divorce, 6 years ago. I am still in love with my ex, and we remained intimately close until recently. I am doing my best to not contact him, and getting more depressed as time goes on. I had been in long term relationships before that ended and I moved on. Something serious is going on here! My life has stopped Help!
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Old 08-27-2006, 08:22 PM   #2
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Default Re: What is stopping me in my tracks?

Seame - welcome to PC. I am divorced also (recently remarried), and I know how hard it is to move on. In fact, I'm not really surprised that you haven't, considering that you remained intimately close until recently. It took me at least 2 years to get to the point where I could think about my ex without feeling tears well up, so the fact that the "breakup" itself is fairly new for you (despite the divorce), you might be looking at some grieving time to go through.

Therapy did help me, but it didn't accelerate the process as I had desperately hoped. I didn't know anything about meds at the time, and don't know if it would have been appropriate for my situation, but I do know that if I had to go through it again, god forbid, the first thing I'd do is go to my Dr. to ask for an antidepressant. But, they aren't for everyone.

Do you have a therapist? If not, it would be a great idea, if for no other reason than to help you feel that you're taking some steps toward moving on without your ex.

I know that there isn't much I can say that will make you feel better - I personally felt like my entire world had come crashing down on me, and it was a looooonnnng time before I actually felt some hope for my future. But, the good news is that I DID get over him (as best as can be expected) and found new, better love. I no longer wish that we could have stayed together -- I am glad that he gave me the opportunity to have found my new husband, because he is all the good about my ex without any of the bad.

Hang in there, and I'm here to listen if you want to talk more.
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Old 08-27-2006, 08:58 PM   #3
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Default Re: What is stopping me in my tracks?

(((seame))) I agree, although you have been divorced you guys shared a connection, now you are really ending it. Perhaps somewhere you held out hope the two of you would get back togehter? I don't know. I went through something similar with my ex. Long story, and a big OUCH! I am still trying to put it all together, it's hard, therapy does help a whole lot, and having a place like here to chat it out does a great deal.

Any time you need a shoulder, just call out!!! hugs, Lisa
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Old 08-27-2006, 11:51 PM   #4
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Default Re: What is stopping me in my tracks?

Thanks for your understanding.
I get tired of hearing "Just get over it" if only it were that simple. My concern is that I have become so untrusting,suspicious, and fearful of being hurt that I appear unapproachable. The men that pursue me are not what I would involve myself with. Could I have unrealistic expectations of men in general?
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Old 08-28-2006, 12:53 AM   #5
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Default Re: What is stopping me in my tracks?

Well, maybe it's some of all of the above. A little of this and that. Right now, wouldn't you rather just heal from this, then go onto something else? I am a firm believer in clsing one door before opening another. You cannot drag in yesterdays news, if that door is shut, right? Right now being unapproachable might be a good thing. You are hurting, and when we hurt we tend to be vulenerable...no need having hawks come in and prey on us.

Unrealistic expectations? Are you looking for Mr. Perfect? He has no flaws? He doesn't exist. If you go by your core values, morals, and characteristics you won't go wrong. You may not find as many fresh perch, but you will avoid sharkm adn baracuda!!! What is stopping me in my tracks?

(((seame))) you will get past this, just give yourself the time you need, and know who you can count on. What is stopping me in my tracks?
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Old 08-28-2006, 01:10 AM   #6
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Default Re: What is stopping me in my tracks?

are you saying that 6yrs of being alone, single, is not enough time to welcome anyone into my life?
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Old 08-28-2006, 02:03 AM   #7
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Default Re: What is stopping me in my tracks?

well, do you really consider it to be 6 years, considering your recent relationship with your ex? For me, the healing wouldn't have been able to begin until after the intimate relationship ended.

I don't know - do you want to tell us more about how you're feeling or the circumstances? It's probably too easy for us to draw assumptions or to give suggestions that don't apply to your situation, since we don't know much.

But once again, my heart goes out to you, because I know that it can't be easy. But, it DOES get better...
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Old 08-28-2006, 11:38 AM   #8
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Default Re: What is stopping me in my tracks?

Under normal circumstances, I would say that six years IS enough time, but in your first post you said you're still in love and were still intimate with your ex-husband. In that case, then, no, it isn't enough time. I'd start the actual countdown from the point you have absolutely no contact with your ex. You didn't say if there are children involved that keep you needing to be in some form of contact though. If there aren't, I'd say cut the cord completely. Or perhaps the best thing in your situation is to not break up with him and stay in a non-married relationship.

Then again, I've never understood people getting divorced but staying together. What is stopping me in my tracks?
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Old 08-28-2006, 02:05 PM   #9
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Default Re: What is stopping me in my tracks?

I never said six years time wasn't enough alone time. You are the one that said you have still had someone, your ex, in your life all this time. Although the divorce papers went through six years ago, the emotional and physical connection have still been there, and for whatever reason they are stopping now. Perhaps now not only is this relationship ending, but also the full reality of the marraige over is coming to the surface. That can stop one in the footsteps, real easy...it's a lot to deal with. Like anything though, time heals it...it's a slow process. You can get through this. (((seame))) hugs, Lisa
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~*~Time is our friend and our healer.~*~

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Old 08-28-2006, 03:55 PM   #10
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Default Re: What is stopping me in my tracks?

I am new to this forum, but I am going to jump right in....

Your marriage died....but continuing your intimate relationship did not allow you to bury it, and move on...you haven't really gone through the greiving process if you are still making love with your ex husband.....

Your mind, might know it is diviorced, but your heart went right on loving.....

I had someone in my life, I was crazy in love with....I kept breaking it off and he kept showing up anyway....I had to find a friend...kind of like in AA....someone to help me be strong....when I wanted to give in and resume my relationship.....no matter how much I loved him....it wasn't healthy for me.....that was something that wasn't going to change.....

Even though I have been married for almost 20 years...this man still periodically calls me.....he shows up places where I might be.....he has been married 3 times in these years, and his last wife says he has photos of me up on the wall.....his poor wife....

Some times we just stay attatched to what we want something to be....what it could be.....not what the reality of it, really is.....

You are divorced, but you are not opening your Self up, to new experiences, and new loves, if you are still in an intimate relationship with your ex husband.....that creates a habit of loving......and never really allows you to let go.........

I feel for you.....it is good to find people to talk to....and find someone who will help you to be strong when you have trouble staying away..........

Blessings to you.......
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