T changing boundary - Forums at Psych Central


Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 03-16-2019, 01:28 AM #1
goatee goatee is offline
Member
 
Member Since: Jan 2017
Location: Florida
Posts: 176
goatee goatee is offline
Member
goatee has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jan 2017
Location: Florida
Posts: 176

2 yr Member
250 hugs
given
Default T changing boundary

My T changed a boundary and took away something from me. We talked about it extensively, but this is the way it has to be from now on, she says. While I understand her reasons for doing so, I’ve been struggling. Sometimes I think I’m okay with it and have accepted it. But I’ve noticed that since this has happened, any tiny little hiccup between me and T (like her changing our appt time one week, for example), and I find myself in tears, panicking, basically freaking out in a way that’s unusual for me. This has happened multiple times now. I don’t know what to do. I logically and rationally trust my T, but I figure my trust deep down must be broken for me to keep reacting like this. T has already tried to help me in a few ways with feeling more secure, so I don’t want to tell her that I’m struggling yet again. She doesn’t seem to realize what a huge impact this has had on me. But I’m completely miserable since this has happened. It feels like it’s tainting everything.
goatee is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 03-16-2019, 01:55 AM #2
Echos Myron redux Echos Myron redux is online now
Grand Poohbah
 
Member Since: Apr 2018
Location: UK
Posts: 1,769
Echos Myron redux Echos Myron redux is online now
Grand Poohbah
Echos Myron redux is tired
 
Member Since: Apr 2018
Location: UK
Posts: 1,769 (SuperPoster!)

1,592 hugs
given
Default Re: T changing boundary

I think you need to keep telling her the impact on you and she needs to keep listening and understanding. Boundary changes are a huge deal to many clients with attachment difficulties (me included) so if she makes a decision like that it's her job to help you through it.
Echos Myron redux is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
Old 03-16-2019, 05:00 AM #3
sarahsweets's Avatar
sarahsweets sarahsweets is offline
Grand Poohbah
 
Member Since: Dec 2018
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 1,794
sarahsweets sarahsweets is offline
Grand Poohbah
sarahsweets's Avatar
sarahsweets Humor is my end game..
 
Member Since: Dec 2018
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 1,794 (SuperPoster!)

102 hugs
given
Default Re: T changing boundary

Would you mind sharing what it is that was taken away or changed?
__________________
"I carried a watermelon?"

President of the no F's given society.
sarahsweets is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 03-16-2019, 07:27 AM #4
DP_2017's Avatar
DP_2017 DP_2017 is online now
Grand Magnate
 
Member Since: Aug 2017
Location: A house
Posts: 4,200
DP_2017 DP_2017 is online now
Grand Magnate
DP_2017's Avatar
DP_2017 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Aug 2017
Location: A house
Posts: 4,200 (SuperPoster!)

646 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: T changing boundary

I hate when therapists do this. Especially suddenly, even though, I know in time, they likely all will... but it's usually something that becomes mutual choice.

I am sorry this happened to you. I'd suggest talking about how it made you feel

Mine did this to me. After constantly saying he never would...without talking about it. I didn't realized his version of that means "Me telling you it's changing" and it was hard for sure but I got used to it. Things were still ok with us.

Talking about it helps though.
__________________
Grief is the price you pay for love.
DP_2017 is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 03-16-2019, 09:06 AM #5
Omers's Avatar
Omers Omers is offline
Magnate
 
Member Since: Nov 2010
Location: Crimson cattery
Posts: 2,061
Omers Omers is offline
Magnate
Omers's Avatar
Omers has no updates.
 
Member Since: Nov 2010
Location: Crimson cattery
Posts: 2,061

8 yr Member
1,250 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: T changing boundary

changing boundaries with T when something we relied on is taken away is hard. Is there something T can help put in place to replace what is now gone? Like if you can no longer email between sessions could you now journal and check in with the journal at the start of each session? I mention email because I am pretty sure my T is thinking about changing his email boundary with me. He has stated from the beginning that he prefers we not use it, that we call instead. My T is working on it gradually though. He warned me that he would be responding to my emails less often and not as quickly... but I can always call. He also lets me know why which helps. His email is not confidential, he misses too much information in written form (things he can hear in a persons voice) and he sees it as distancing from real contact with him. He is also waiting on the timing of introducing it. He didn’t want to ask me to reach out to him in a way that is uncomfortable for me (phone) until we had gone through some uncomfortable things in session so that I know he will help me through both the discomfort of calling as well as what ever else is bothering me. I have not been able to call so he knows I am not feeling safe enough with the phone yet so taking away email would close a door between us.
If it was a situation he could not be so gentle with and take his time he would expect it to deeply undermine my trust and feeling of safety with him no matter how irrational I knew it to be. So, basically he would know we would go back to the level of fear I had our first session or worse. He wouldn’t keep rehashing the why, or allow me to keep rehashing the why. We would spend a LOT of time talking about the feelings it brought up and other times I have had those feelings.
__________________
There’s been many a crooked path
that has landed me here
Tired, broken and wearing rags
Wild eyed with fear
-Blackmoores Night
Omers is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
Old 03-16-2019, 02:35 PM #6
fille_folle's Avatar
fille_folle fille_folle is offline
Poohbah
 
Member Since: Nov 2017
Location: US
Posts: 1,171
fille_folle fille_folle is offline
Poohbah
fille_folle's Avatar
fille_folle wishes she weren't.
 
Member Since: Nov 2017
Location: US
Posts: 1,171 (SuperPoster!)

701 hugs
given
Default Re: T changing boundary

I'm sorry you're in such pain. One thing I do seem to notice is a trend in your posts is that you seem to believe your T is responsible for your emotions and that her behavior needs to be defined by not upsetting you. For example, you state that she doesn't realize what a big impact the changed boundary has had on you. I wonder if the reason you think this is that she hasn't reverted to the way things originally were. She can both recognize the effects while also maintaining the boundary she has set. I am not making this observation to say that your feelings are invalid or that your T is "right" and you are "wrong." The reason that I mention it is that it doesn't seem like this way of looking at things is very helpful to you. The implicit assumption with such thinking is that your T must not care about you because there are limits to what she is willing to do in order to not upset you. If that is what you base your feelings of security in relationships on, it seems like something worth addressing.

Perhaps you can find a way forward by exploring this sort of implicit belief with her.
fille_folle is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 03-16-2019, 06:34 PM #7
Sheffield's Avatar
Sheffield Sheffield is offline
Member
 
Member Since: Mar 2017
Location: United kingdom
Posts: 135
Sheffield Sheffield is offline
Member
Sheffield's Avatar
Sheffield has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2017
Location: United kingdom
Posts: 135

2 yr Member
55 hugs
given
Default Re: T changing boundary

Not promoting Richard grannon or Sam vaknin but I found their YouTube uploads in last couple days interesting around this issue of a therapists function in making the client “feel better” -
Sheffield is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 03-16-2019, 08:27 PM #8
BudFox BudFox is offline
Grand Magnate
 
Member Since: Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 3,783
BudFox BudFox is offline
Grand Magnate
BudFox has no updates.
 
Member Since: Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 3,783 (SuperPoster!)

3 yr Member
752 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: T changing boundary

For me this kind of shaming, punitive, disempowering dynamic does not bring to mind healthy relationships... more so vaguely exploitive relationships.

It takes a lot of mental gymnastics to spin this kind of thing as helpful the client rather than harmful. Boundaries serve therapists.
BudFox is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 03-17-2019, 04:31 AM #9
Sheffield's Avatar
Sheffield Sheffield is offline
Member
 
Member Since: Mar 2017
Location: United kingdom
Posts: 135
Sheffield Sheffield is offline
Member
Sheffield's Avatar
Sheffield has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2017
Location: United kingdom
Posts: 135

2 yr Member
55 hugs
given
Default Re: T changing boundary

BudFox- not sure if your post was in response to mine re Richard grannon and Sam vaknin or was nothing to do with it at all- but in case I wasn’t clear- I’m not supporting their perspective I just found it “interesting”
I’m not a fan of psychotherapy and am currently suffering the fallout of boundary changes/crossings and the general “throw the client under the bus and ignore” technique -ignoring/silent treatment done “professionally “ and repeatedly in face to face /email/txt has to be one of the cruellest techniques they’re paid to perfect-I feel for OP
Sheffield is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 03-17-2019, 06:19 AM #10
Anne2.0 Anne2.0 is offline
Magnate
 
Member Since: Aug 2012
Location: Anonymous
Posts: 2,952
Anne2.0 Anne2.0 is offline
Magnate
Anne2.0 elephant walks on
 
Member Since: Aug 2012
Location: Anonymous
Posts: 2,952

5 yr Member
131 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: T changing boundary

Perhaps it would be helpful, if conversations to talk about this have failed (it's not clear to me from your post how much you've shared with your T), to see another T or to quit therapy. Therapy shouldn't be a thing that tortures you, and it is a choice to walk away from that.
Anne2.0 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
"Thanks for this!" says:
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 02:51 PM.

Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

Psych Central Forums

Psych Central is the leading mental health website, overseen by mental health professionals since 1995.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider. .

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.
Please read the full disclaimer.