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Old 02-10-2019, 04:01 PM   #1
Waterloo12345
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Default Attachment struggles

Hi All,

I'm displacing an urge to write to my doc for whom I had serious parental transference and attachment and to whom it is now forbidden to contact.

I've also realised spent the day sleeping, eating and surfing the web in a serious effort at distraction from feelings. Also paralysed over work. What fun.

Am trying to identify my feelings. I live with my mum but she's left me to go travel today. Yes I am a full grown adult but abandonment runs deep. She's left me all alone. The baby and the two year old are agitated. The 10 yr old is sullen.

A repeated pattern is what my ****ing t said. At the time I just shrugged and was like whatevs. Now am like why do you identify these things, correctly, without telling how to fix them? Or moderate them. Or live with them. And why do they cone on late at night when I need to sleep for work.

So I want to write to my doc to get comfort, safety, security.

But that is not an option.

**** the prob with ceasing distraction and identifying feelings to sit with them is that they appear overwhelming. She left me, he left me - this is so not working. I may go spam my Ts email.
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Old 02-10-2019, 04:20 PM   #2
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Default Re: Attachment struggles

For a lot of people, night time is the worst. This is the case for me too. I think it's because we're no longer busy, and our mind starts to review everything.
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Old 02-10-2019, 04:29 PM   #3
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Default Re: Attachment struggles

Quote:
Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel View Post
For a lot of people, night time is the worst. This is the case for me too. I think it's because we're no longer busy, and our mind starts to review everything.
For sure relate to this, you have a good point
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Old 02-10-2019, 05:54 PM   #4
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Default Re: Attachment struggles

Thinking about it is the worst. Gotta break the thinking loop... wish I knew how.
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Old 02-10-2019, 11:46 PM   #5
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Default Re: Attachment struggles

Morning all, I spammed my Ts email, word vomited the thoughts and feelings and was able to dial down the agitation. Slept like ****, gotta work now but at least I didn't email the doc. Winnnnnnning. Thanks for your support.
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Old 02-14-2019, 03:52 AM   #6
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Default Re: Attachment struggles

Do you feel like you were traumatized, victimized or exploited by your therapist?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Waterloo12345 View Post
Hi All,

I'm displacing an urge to write to my doc for whom I had serious parental transference and attachment and to whom it is now forbidden to contact.

I've also realised spent the day sleeping, eating and surfing the web in a serious effort at distraction from feelings. Also paralysed over work. What fun.

Am trying to identify my feelings. I live with my mum but she's left me to go travel today. Yes I am a full grown adult but abandonment runs deep. She's left me all alone. The baby and the two year old are agitated. The 10 yr old is sullen.

A repeated pattern is what my ****ing t said. At the time I just shrugged and was like whatevs. Now am like why do you identify these things, correctly, without telling how to fix them? Or moderate them. Or live with them. And why do they cone on late at night when I need to sleep for work.

So I want to write to my doc to get comfort, safety, security.

But that is not an option.

**** the prob with ceasing distraction and identifying feelings to sit with them is that they appear overwhelming. She left me, he left me - this is so not working. I may go spam my Ts email.
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Old 02-14-2019, 01:49 PM   #7
Waterloo12345
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Default Re: Attachment struggles

Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
Do you feel like you were traumatized, victimized or exploited by your therapist?
It's my doctor but I don't believe I was victimised or exploited. A lot of the work he did has proved very healing and he acted from the best of intentions but cptsd is difficult to treat even for the most effective therapists with lots of supervision.

He stopped all contact when he saw that it was turning the corner into real AIT so before it was well bedded in as pathological transference as opposed to a re parenting type interaction.

Was I traumatized? I use the definition: tauma is often the result of an overwhelming amount of stress that exceeds one's ability to cope, or integrate the emotions involved with that experience.

The stopping certainly traumatised me initially. The first wee bit was bad including SA.

I'm still in it but I do have, at present, a working ability to cope with life so am more distressed but prob not traumatised though not sure done much integration. For all I know I may have buried it deep and I'm riding a fake wave. It's too early to say.

I guess it depends where ones thresholds are. I see my t 3x and my new doc 1x, only working part time, very emotionally liable. I guess I just see, for me, true trauma, as curled up in ball, mute, or seriously agitated and jumping off bridge. So who knows.

But at the moment I see it as a learning experience. I'm glad he cut it off, seems to me to be part of his care, and it's made me think and hopefully grow as realised the falsity of the person Id constructed in my head. I mean he was not false but I was using him in a false manner.
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