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Old 01-22-2019, 11:54 AM   #31
growlycat
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Default Re: The discomfort between sessions and emails

I personally wouldnít work with a t that rigid. I used to have a t like that a long time ago but since I have had more flexible ts and I wonít go back.
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Old 01-23-2019, 06:35 PM   #32
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Default Re: The discomfort between sessions and emails

I saw my therapist today and asked him again why he no longer replies to emails. It just felt so difficult earlier in the week when it felt like I wouldnít see him for a while and I was afraid that I was starting to get all negative. I told him I felt bad about sending an email asking him to reply, and he said, ďyou felt bad being vulnerable and expressing a need?Ē He thinks this is coming from a younger place and there is nothing wrong with expressing it. He said he thinks that I have in some way expressed to him that I can tolerate these emotions, but would prefer not to and he thinks itís important for me to feel the emotions. He said heís never been comfortable with replying to my emails but did it because he thought he needed to or Iíd leave therapy in the beginning. He apologized for the way he communicated the stopping of email replies to me, and said he will always read my emails and will never stop doing that. Weíre also starting twice/week next week.
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Old 01-23-2019, 06:44 PM   #33
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Default Re: The discomfort between sessions and emails

How dense is he? Of course it feels bad to be vulnerable and express a need, only to be met with silence. I mean, duh! I'm not saying I think he should have replied, but really...

As for the other stuff, yeah, I figured his old-school self wouldn't have been comfortable when he was replying.
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Old 01-24-2019, 03:30 AM   #34
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Default Re: The discomfort between sessions and emails

"He said he thinks that I have in some way expressed to him that I can tolerate these emotions, but would prefer not to and he thinks itís important for me to feel the emotions"

For me this is where the tension lies. If you think he's right on this and that his method of enabling you to feel is a hard but tolerable one then all's good.

But if you think he's read you wrong and/or his methods ate too harsh then you may need to think again.

I do hope 2x a week helps.

As for him expressing you feel bad because X to be that his just him verbalising it so he's sure you acknowkedge it and own it and not hide behind 'bad'.
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Old 01-24-2019, 03:35 AM   #35
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Default Re: The discomfort between sessions and emails

I do feel for you as our Ts are very similar esp with the whole email saga but she will, or has to date, responded if I ask are you there kinda of thing.

Your Ts belief as to toleration is a bit like the old NHS bind, unless you actually succeed when you try and kill yourself, it would be because you weren't serious, ill enough, were just being manipulative etc etc etc so you don't actually need any services! Sending strengthing vibes.
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Old 01-24-2019, 06:02 AM   #36
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Default Re: The discomfort between sessions and emails

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Originally Posted by Lrad123 View Post
He said he thinks that I have in some way expressed to him that I can tolerate these emotions, but would prefer not to and he thinks itís important for me to feel the emotions.
To me this seems like the key, in addition to him reinforcing that he's always been willing to read your emails. And you have tolerated the emotions, because your head has not imploded, or at least I assume so given your ability to clearly write a post.

I'm glad you will be able to start 2/week, and I hope it is helps. I think it will.
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Old 01-24-2019, 07:21 AM   #37
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Default Re: The discomfort between sessions and emails

How do you feel about his saying that he's never been comfortable replying to your emails? I think that would bother me. Out of curiosity, would he be willing to, say, just send a reply saying "Email received"? Or just a blank reply to show he'd read it?
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Old 01-24-2019, 07:42 AM   #38
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Default Re: The discomfort between sessions and emails

I cant remember if you shared this or not, but were any of your emails inflammatory or angry?
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Old 01-24-2019, 08:08 AM   #39
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I cant remember if you shared this or not, but were any of your emails inflammatory or angry?
Yes, for sure. Some expressed anger, distrust and skepticism of him. I only did this via email and not in person and I always apologized. Iím hoping Iím past this phase. Most of my anger, I think, has been related to the stress I feel between sessions because of emotions being stirred up during session and then feeling left alone to deal with it. Most of my emails, though, have been about expressing whatís going on for me between sessions and processing what came up during our sessions. He has said this is important and helpful to him. I asked how I know he wonít change his mind about this and suddenly decide not to read my emails and he gave me his word he will never do that.
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Old 01-24-2019, 08:23 AM   #40
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Default Re: The discomfort between sessions and emails

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Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight View Post
How do you feel about his saying that he's never been comfortable replying to your emails? I think that would bother me. Out of curiosity, would he be willing to, say, just send a reply saying "Email received"? Or just a blank reply to show he'd read it?
I told him I was uncomfortable with this and asked how Iíll ever know what else heís doing with me thatís uncomfortable. Like, what else is he hiding? I particularly asked if he is or ever will be uncomfortable reading my emails and he leaned forward and pretty convincingly said that will never happen. He said he would even like to reply to my emails sometimes, but doesnít think itís the right thing for me. He said he initially replied even though that was not the norm because he thought Iíd leave therapy without it. He was probably right.

He will not respond to emails other than for scheduling purposes. He was clear about that, but also very kind about it and about understanding my frustration. I do feel hurt by that, but heís pretty clearly there for me otherwise. He reminded me of a story I had told him about when my son was about 4 and he called me as I was driving to work crying and saying ďyou didnít hold my handĒ referring to our ritual where Iíd hold his hand while he walked down the stairs. Never mind that he was asleep when I left the house or that my husband was home with him. He said itís ok to have desires like that as an adult (you didnít reply to my email!) but as we grow up, and certainly as parents, we understand that weíre still there for our kids and still hold them in our minds even when we are not physically there. Not sure if Iím explaining it well, but it sort of made sense to me at the time. Obviously part of me would still like a reply!
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