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Old 01-16-2019, 02:33 AM   #1
justbreathe1994
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Default How Did You Tell?

For those who have grown (overly) attached to their Ts, how did you tell your T you were becoming attached? I’m not overly attached to DBT T yet, but I’m afraid I will become attached. It seems like the logical scenario, after growing attached to my last two Ts. I would like to “problem solve” with her by asking her what if questions, like: “What if I grow attached to you?" "What ifI fall into a similar dynamic with you as I did with ex T?" "Do you think you could handle it or would you refer me on?”

I want to have this conversation but I’m afraid, like always, I’ll scare her away.
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Old 01-16-2019, 04:14 AM   #2
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I struggled with this because I got attached fairly early on. I noticed I grew attached when. I started worrying about him abandoning me. It took me quite a few sessions before I managed to open up and say that I view him as a sort of father figure. I literally held my breath and felt my whole face go hot. He smiled warmly and thanked me for telling him. It was a very accepting reaction. Every time I brought up attachment I was worried I’d be too much and he’d terminate me. Quite the opposite seems to have happened in that the more accepting he became, the easier it was for me to open up and forget the “filters”.

I think that this whole attachment thing seems like a much bigger deal in our head than in the heads of our therapists. I really don’t think your T will run away or be scared off. I’d be surprised if she doesn’t expect it.
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Old 01-16-2019, 06:02 AM   #3
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I think your DBT T will be fine with it. Do the nature of DBT she will teach you skills Apollo to handle the attachment. She will most likely tell you to check the facts and give you ideas of how to deal with it from your side.
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Old 01-16-2019, 07:35 AM   #4
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Default Re: How Did You Tell?

I hate the word attached, it feels needy and clingy to me and those are two things I hate being.

Anyway... so one day I emailed him and tried to tell him about these feelings but refused to say that word so I used the word "Bond"

We talked about it in session and when I said Bond there, he quickly changed it to "Strongly attached" which I thought was weird, because he seemed to know and pick up on how strong it felt, it wasn't hard at all. Was a easy topic to talk about

However... and this isn't to scare you because we had a weird relationship but at one point, I started to feel a bit needy and realized I felt "too close" and it terrified me. I emailed him this and it ended up leading to the big rupture we had in May... when it all almost ended.

The good thing is, after talking it all through, we actually seemed to be closer after and I trusted him more. I was finally able to accept that he did care about me.

I'd suggest if it's scary for you, email or write it down but they are so used to this stuff and honestly they probably already know.
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Old 01-16-2019, 07:38 AM   #5
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Default Re: How Did You Tell?

Quote:
Originally Posted by justbreathe1994 View Post
For those who have grown (overly) attached to their Ts, how did you tell your T you were becoming attached? I’m not overly attached to DBT T yet, but I’m afraid I will become attached. It seems like the logical scenario, after growing attached to my last two Ts. I would like to “problem solve” with her by asking her what if questions, like: “What if I grow attached to you?" "What ifI fall into a similar dynamic with you as I did with ex T?" "Do you think you could handle it or would you refer me on?”

I want to have this conversation but I’m afraid, like always, I’ll scare her away.
I was instantly attached. It feels like we have known each other before. Very different than any other T. I've never been attached before at all.

It's not something I've discussed, but it sure causes me to think of her 24/7. I've went to see her with intent to talk about it, but never do it.

Maybe someday...
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Old 01-16-2019, 07:53 AM   #6
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Default Re: How Did You Tell?

I attached instantly although we’ve never talked about it. I did send him an email last week telling him I’m aware I’m super dependent on him and I’m trying to change it. I know he knows, and we didn’t talk about it, but I felt like I needed to say that much to him.
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Old 01-16-2019, 08:00 AM   #7
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I think raising this with your T and asking your questions is the route to take.
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Old 01-16-2019, 09:28 AM   #8
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Default Re: How Did You Tell?

I would just tell her. I told my T that I was attached to her and we talked about whether it was a healthy attachment or unhealthy attachment. We both agreed it was a healthy attachment because even though I think of her often between sessions, I have never reached out to her between sessions for extra support. I always relied on my family, friends, and boyfriend for the "extra support" that I needed between sessions. I think if you told your T about the attachment, she could help you find extra support elsewhere (if that is what you). It helps to bring these up with you T even though I know it is scary. A good T will stick with you and work it out with you. Good luck.
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Old 01-16-2019, 09:41 AM   #9
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Default Re: How Did You Tell?

I told my T through an e-mail that I was afraid of losing her and I also mentioned a couple of things she said that had hurt me. (Because of me being so attached to her and me being "in love with the transference".



At first she scheduled a new appointment but me telling her about my attachment made her see her supervisor who I guess partly because of my attachment forced my T to end therapy with me.



This was never confirmed though, my T said it was because of their session limit we had already exceeded but I strongly believe it also had to do with the fact that my therapist:


1: Doesn´t know how to untangle transference feelings from a client.
2: Felt countertransference and warm feelings towards me she didn´t know how to handle.



So as a short answer, I told my T about my attachment to her in an e-mail and she abandoned me partly for that.



A bit off topic but I think it´s far and foremost therapists who own their practises and who work with "paying clients" who also knows how to work on more complicated cases and who expects transference and attachment as something to be dealt with. They need to be capable of that or else it's difficult to get a steady client base, especially if you´re a psychodynamically oriented therapist.



Therapists within public health care don´t know, don´t get the time and often aren´t aware about transference feelings and by that there´s a huge risk to let clients down and leave them in abandonment.
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Old 01-16-2019, 10:07 AM   #10
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Default Re: How Did You Tell?

I just told my t that i got too close to my first t and he was able to assure me he could still work with me and we set out some boundaries that me and him were comfortable with. 5 1/2 years later im still with him. If she is a good t she will understand and work with you through it. Hugs
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