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Old 01-14-2019, 12:31 PM   #11
susannahsays
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My Mood: Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVIII

Default Re: Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVIII

I really don't want to get out of bed. I need to leave for class in an hour. I'm letting myself pay for parking, even though I shouldn't waste the money. I just can't face catching the bus today. Besides, I think riding the bus might make me late for our appointment later. But there won't be that excuse on Wednesday.

I hate riding the bus so very much.
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Old 01-14-2019, 01:02 PM   #12
SlumberKitty
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My Mood: Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVIII

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Dear Former T: thanks for emailing me back. It really didn't help though. I mean it was good to hear from you and to know you are okay, but it just didn't help. Hopefully I will remember that for the future. I see new T on Friday. Stuff to talk about for sure but not sure I will be able to. The trust factor is not there yet, y'know?! I wish hearing from you would have helped this deep pain that I'm in from not seeing you. I wish something would help. Kit
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Old 01-14-2019, 02:02 PM   #13
LonesomeTonight
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Dear T,
That wasn’t the direction I expected things to go in today, but that was an astute observation at how I react whenever that topic comes up. So it’s good we talked about it. And I think we’ll need to continue talking about it. Also, I seem to have hit the point where I can just talk about sex-related stuff with you without a hint of embarrassment. Well, ok, maybe when you asked me that question about the concert...but that was my fault for how I worded it!
But thanks for being accepting about the main topic. And trying to help me stop beating myself up about the mistake I made 3 years ago.
Love,
LT
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Old 01-14-2019, 02:44 PM   #14
toomanycats
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Default Re: Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVIII

Yes, my trauma matters to me. The voice tells me that it doesn't matter to anyone else, and that it's shameful of me to want it to matter to anyone else. But, I do. I want it to matter to you. So, thank you for telling me that it does. I will try really hard to hold onto that and not slip into doubting it.

It's just hard knowing you've heard a million of these stories. I cried about it last night. Wishing either that you were my dad (because, if you were my dad, it'd be different...I wouldn't just be one of a thousand clients throughout the years. I'd be your daughter.) or that I could've told my dad what happened. But I couldn't. It's not their fault - they had no idea what'd happened & they were doing the right thing - but them holding that "we discovered you were going to meet men from the internet" intervention just came at the worst possible time and made it impossible for me to tell them what had happened. Not that I would've told them anyways. We just didn't have that kind of relationship.

But, I wish we did. I wish I felt comfortable enough to be truly open with them. I wish I felt like they actually wanted to know what had happened. I would want to know if it were my daughter. But, whenever I've brought it up, I just get awkward looks and awkward silence. I have always, always gotten the strong feeling that they prefer not to know about any of the things I'm in therapy for. And I have genuinely tried to bring it up multiple times. (And I feel a lot of shame over that too. That it's shameful for me to have tried to talk about it with anyone I wasn't paying to help with it.)
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Old 01-14-2019, 03:18 PM   #15
Echos Myron redux
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My Mood: Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVIII

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Well so much with me being fine with missing you. It's hit me like a brick wall today.
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Old 01-14-2019, 05:16 PM   #16
LonesomeTonight
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Default Re: Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVIII

Dear T,
Sorry for email, just struggling. Maybe I should have let more emotion out in session...maybe you/we intellectualized it all too much? I don't know...I think it's just a topic worthy of multiple sessions, so we just dredged it up today. And can continue conversation Thursday...then Monday if needed. I think what I really want to know is...do you judge me for what I did? But I don't get the sense that you do. And I know, even if you did, it doesn't matter. But still part of me wants to know. And...have you ever done what I did? Or at least thought about it? Or has someone else done it to you?

Love,
LT
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Old 01-14-2019, 08:27 PM   #17
LonesomeTonight
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Default Re: Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVIII

Dear T,
Sorry, just want you to understand where my brain goes...I know you likely won't say anything until the morning, it's OK. I respect your boundaries.

Love,
LT
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Old 01-14-2019, 08:34 PM   #18
velcro003
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Default Re: Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVIII

i highly doubt your T is judging you. as he's said before, you judge yourself entirely too harshly as it is
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Old 01-14-2019, 08:34 PM   #19
velcro003
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Default Re: Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVIII

hey t. tomorrow's session should be interesting since i've decided to play hooky. i kinda never want to go back to work ever.
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Old 01-14-2019, 09:01 PM   #20
LonesomeTonight
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Default Re: Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVIII

Quote:
Originally Posted by velcro003 View Post
i highly doubt your T is judging you. as he's said before, you judge yourself entirely too harshly as it is

Oh, I definitely judge myself too much--more than anyway else could ever do.
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