Psych Central

Go Back   Forums at Psych Central > >



advertisement
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 01-13-2019, 07:13 PM   #1
DP_2017
Grand Magnate
 
DP_2017's Avatar
DP_2017 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Aug 2017
Location: A house
Posts: 3,749 (SuperPoster!)
My Mood: How can I stop thinking this way? Help!

574 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default How can I stop thinking this way? Help!

I am reluctant to post here again but this is the only place I know of to
discuss therapy stuff. I am not looking for rude or judgemental replies.

I’m well aware many people here hate my T and think he was very
bad with me. While, I agree (and so did he) that he is not a very good
T, what we had worked for me. Being able to connect to him like that
built my confidence, it made me feel like I mattered, I felt so comfortable
that I became assertive with him, we had this amazingly awesome
relationship that made me happy and helped me get through my crap
days. So it may not be “ideal” or whatever but it worked for me. This
is why I think so many therapy rules need to be revamped. Not every
client is the same, nor will they have the same reactions to things.

I went to therapy for anxiety related issues over my dog aging
and sadly he died in the course of my therapy but I had T to help
me through that. I never really went “deep”, I’d avoid feelings
as much as I could and I didn’t want to discuss the past much.
In that sense, I never got anything useful from therapy, which
is a huge reason why I wont go back, therapy isn’t for me…I
kept going all those months after, because of him. Plain and simple.


I didn’t see it as “paying a friend”, I never paid him directly, I paid
the company, so it was more like rental space. T got me a HUGE
discount so I felt really lucky anyway and a few times he didn’t
charge me at all.

In the final sessions, he admitted to having feelings (although wasn’t
specific on that) and a connection with me that he didn’t have
with the others. He said repeatedly with happiness and hope (some times)
that I can reach out in 2 yrs. I thought things were good all things
considered. We had a nice final session, we played a game and
laughed a lot and he really opened up to me about his ex wife and such.
It felt normal, happy. Then after we hugged for the last time and he
walked away…. and after his dreadful last text, my mood went
from happy/hopeful to wondering if I ever really mattered. His job
was over… so the care and all that ended. He didn’t have to deal with
me one more moment, just like that, I was in his past.

The reason I’m posting, isn’t for people to tell me if they like my T or
if they think he was “unethical” or for people to tell me to see another,
but to ask, any advice on dealing with the feeling of suddenly everything
feels fake and meaningless, on my own. I can’t even really sit and think
about the fun times we had because all I think of now was “well he
was at work, it meant nothing to him” and it’s driving me crazy. I WANT
to have that hopeful/semi happy feeling about it all again.

I can’t stop thinking about how, even though I may cross his mind here or
there, I no longer matter. In his goodbye letter, I told him that
I got through my dogs death so well because T made me feel loved, cared
about and like I mattered… but now my mind is saying, but that was
all just, for work. You see, I have a PT cashier job. I hate it. I go
there and put a smile on my face and “talk nice” to the customers
and tell them to have a good day but I literally don’t care about any of
them. It legit IS a job to me and nothing more. So I keep thinking of
everything with us, in the same way. Maybe if we had a more “normal”
T/client thing where I did go deep and share painful things, it might
make sense to me but I even told him I never saw him as a T.
To me, this was just a man, I got to know and I loved being around.
So it all feels fake to me now… like how can I mean anything to him
but he can casually walk away?

I’m unsure of how to get myself back on track with better thoughts but
I need some advice on it. Even if its a 1% chance of seeing him again
someday, I want to hold on to that and help me get through the day,
where as right now, I have 0% belief of it.
__________________
Grief is the price you pay for love.
DP_2017 is offline   Reply With Quote

advertisement
Old 01-13-2019, 07:35 PM   #2
Elio
...............
Elio is not home, please leave a message at the beep.... ... ... ...
 
Member Since: Sep 2006
Location: in my head
Posts: 2,312
My Mood: How can I stop thinking this way? Help!

10 yr Member
7,255 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: How can I stop thinking this way? Help!

Quote:
Originally Posted by DP_2017 View Post
The reason I’m posting, isn’t for people to tell me if they like my T or if they think he was “unethical” or for people to tell me to see another, but to ask, any advice on dealing with the feeling of suddenly everything feels fake and meaningless, on my own. I can’t even really sit and think about the fun times we had because all I think of now was “well he was at work, it meant nothing to him” and it’s driving me crazy. I WANT to have that hopeful/semi happy feeling about it all again.
I don't think have any new advice, seeing/turning all the good to bad is one of the things I struggle with. The one thing that comes to mind is distraction, get so involved that he is no longer part of your daily thinking life. I'm not sure that's new. I'm not sure how possible it is given your recent medical stuff. I've been using a puzzle app game on my phone to go to mindless numbing space. It lets the hours pass without me thinking about anything. Someone else at a different time suggested taking on learning a new skill or something like that. I'm not sure there's anything but getting distance on it in some way.

I think it might still be part of grief, but I'm not sure. Other than your dog, how have you dealt with loss in the past, not just relationship loss, loss in general? Is that method a safe method for you?

And yeah, you can keep posting here. Many people here do want to be helpful. I know I want to be helpful and wish there was something I could do to ease your pains.
Elio is offline   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 01-13-2019, 07:43 PM   #3
CharlieStarDust
Member
 
CharlieStarDust's Avatar
CharlieStarDust has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2016
Location: Canada
Posts: 193
My Mood: How can I stop thinking this way? Help!

2 yr Member
14 hugs
given
Default Re: How can I stop thinking this way? Help!

Just sent you a DM.
CharlieStarDust is online now   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 01-13-2019, 07:51 PM   #4
unaluna
Elder Harridan x-hankster
 
unaluna's Avatar
unaluna - Lee Van Cleef fangirl
 
Member Since: Jun 2011
Location: Milan/Michigan
Posts: 29,756 (SuperPoster!)
My Mood: How can I stop thinking this way? Help!

5 yr Member
38.8k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: How can I stop thinking this way? Help!

Well, at your part time job, you can either smile and maybe make someones day, or be crabby and totally ruin someones day. So what does that mean? (I dont have the answer, i want you to answer it.)

You dont want to talk about your childhood, but siblings of special siblings are often shortchanged. I tried to be the least bother possible to my parents, since my brother was such a bother. They never even noticed, of course! But thats not how this life thing is supposed to work.
unaluna is online now   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 01-13-2019, 08:00 PM   #5
stopdog
underdog is here
stopdog has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2011
Location: blank
Posts: 30,058 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
1 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: How can I stop thinking this way? Help!

Have you thought about the advice you have given others?
__________________
Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.
Oscar Wilde

Well Behaved Women Seldom Make History - Laurel Thatcher Ulrich
The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

"And psychology has once again proved itself the doofus of the sciences" Sheldon Cooper
stopdog is offline   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 01-13-2019, 08:03 PM   #6
DP_2017
Grand Magnate
 
DP_2017's Avatar
DP_2017 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Aug 2017
Location: A house
Posts: 3,749 (SuperPoster!)
My Mood: How can I stop thinking this way? Help!

574 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: How can I stop thinking this way? Help!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Elio View Post
I don't think have any new advice, seeing/turning all the good to bad is one of the things I struggle with. The one thing that comes to mind is distraction, get so involved that he is no longer part of your daily thinking life. I'm not sure that's new. I'm not sure how possible it is given your recent medical stuff. I've been using a puzzle app game on my phone to go to mindless numbing space. It lets the hours pass without me thinking about anything. Someone else at a different time suggested taking on learning a new skill or something like that. I'm not sure there's anything but getting distance on it in some way.

I think it might still be part of grief, but I'm not sure. Other than your dog, how have you dealt with loss in the past, not just relationship loss, loss in general? Is that method a safe method for you?

And yeah, you can keep posting here. Many people here do want to be helpful. I know I want to be helpful and wish there was something I could do to ease your pains.
I do use apps and movies, the exact things I used to zone out for my dog, it helps to a point but there's tons of things that remind me of him...

No my dog is my only grief type loss. I've lost a grandpa before but didn't seem phased in the slightest, I don't have any close family relationships so it didn't bother me
__________________
Grief is the price you pay for love.
DP_2017 is offline   Reply With Quote
Hugs from:
Old 01-13-2019, 08:12 PM   #7
junkDNA
Comfy Sedation
 
junkDNA's Avatar
junkDNA snowed in
 
Member Since: Sep 2012
Location: the woods
Posts: 18,232 (SuperPoster!)
My Mood: How can I stop thinking this way? Help!

5 yr Member
7,775 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: How can I stop thinking this way? Help!

there are some things in life that we are not granted closure for. I've dealt with a few. it takes acceptance and a willingness to keep moving forward. whether your t was being fake because it was his job or whether he and you had a very authentic relationship outside of the realm of therapy... doesn't really matter at this point. if you got what you needed from your therapist at the time then that's what matters... he helped you thru rough times in your life regardless of it being just his job or not. I don't think we can ever get a real truthful answer about this from therapists... at least I don't feel I can trust any answer from any therapist... which in my case is wise because I've been hurt before by people under the guise of help and therapy. I get the emotional turmoil over such questions but at some point I had to accept that I won't ever truly know.. and what matters is my life and the direction I want to take
__________________
junkDNA is offline   Reply With Quote
Hugs from:
Old 01-13-2019, 08:17 PM   #8
downandlonely
Poohbah
Chat Moderator
downandlonely has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2018
Location: United States
Posts: 1,879 (SuperPoster!)
Default Re: How can I stop thinking this way? Help!

I have been hurt by people who faked relationships just to get something out of me. It makes me angry, but I just try to realize it is more about them than it is about me.

This might be hurting you more because you have no close relationships in your life. Not sure what you can do about that though.
downandlonely is online now   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Hugs from:
Old 01-13-2019, 08:27 PM   #9
DP_2017
Grand Magnate
 
DP_2017's Avatar
DP_2017 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Aug 2017
Location: A house
Posts: 3,749 (SuperPoster!)
My Mood: How can I stop thinking this way? Help!

574 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: How can I stop thinking this way? Help!

Quote:
Originally Posted by downandlonely View Post
I have been hurt by people who faked relationships just to get something out of me. It makes me angry, but I just try to realize it is more about them than it is about me.

This might be hurting you more because you have no close relationships in your life. Not sure what you can do about that though.
Not sure.... maybe it's just tiring only meeting fake people. Feeling like no one ever really likes me or cares, they only do because they have to. It gets tiring.

I never thought he would be this way.... but in my mind, he's exactly like everyone else. So, I spent tons of money for someone to screw me over. That makes no sense
__________________
Grief is the price you pay for love.
DP_2017 is offline   Reply With Quote
Hugs from:
Old 01-13-2019, 08:46 PM   #10
zoiecat
Member
 
zoiecat's Avatar
zoiecat has no updates.
 
Member Since: Apr 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 490
158 hugs
given
Default Re: How can I stop thinking this way? Help!

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time DP.
I am not downgrading your therapist but from the sound of your last post it's like he was more of a friend than a therapist and you thought of him the same way. I would not necessarily say he does not care or he thought of you as just a job but it sounds like he wants to keep his options open to be a therapist in the future if things don't work out with what he's doing now that is why is keeping up his license. It sounds like he really did care for you not in a therapist way which isn't good for him as far as his license is concerned so that is why he is avoiding you for the next two years.

I can't say yes or no that he will want to see you in two years he may have a totally different life by then and so may you.

You probably don't want to hear this and I know you've said this in the past that you don't like making friends with people but it sounds like he pretty much had a friend relationship with this guy who happened to be your therapist. Why not make the effort and try to make friends with another guy someone that you can actually be friends with now and it may lead to something deeper down the road.

Right now it seems like you're experiencing a break up as you would with any boyfriend. That takes awhile to get over and eventually people end up replacing the one they broke up with with someone better.

I think you should give it a try in my opinion that is always up to you. You have proven to yourself that you are capable of making friends with somebody.

Another thing that I noticed from all of your post as you constantly say that you're not good enough to be friends with or that the rules should change.

Looking at reality I seriously doubt the rules will change. Also in looking at reality your feelings about why he is not talking to you are not fact either. The fact is he can't be friends with you right now because he wants to keep his license and he has to follow the ethical rules of his profession. It has nothing to do with you it doesn't even mean he doesn't want to talk to you but he has to follow the rules. You do deserve to have a relationship it just can't be with him right now.

I wish you the best.
zoiecat is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 02:05 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.




advertisement

 

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice,
diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider. .
Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.

 

HomeAbout UsContact UsPrivacy PolicyTerms of UseDisclaimer
Forums HomeCommunity GuidelinesHelp


 
Helplines and Lifelines